Coffee and spinning

[Surfer]

Spinning is anxiety. Anxiety is fear. Fear is the loss of co-dependency. Let go (become independent, you - not co-dependent GAL etc) and detach and you won't fear or be anxious. Then you actually can't spin, even if you try.

Surfer.

[Altair]

To me (and this doesn't negate other definitions) spinning is an out-of-control mind. Thoughts spin and jumble, and keep arising, repeating themselves. Memories get rerun and analyzed over and over, with bleak thoughts and emotions as outcomes.
This is where the yoga, the meditation, any exercises and reading comes in.
For me, my mind is still spinning, obsessive and cluttered. Fear, too, is there but it is fear of seeing H as much as fear of not seeing H. Other original fears (such as losing H over NC) have subsided. I know it requires focus and work, but to stop my spinning mind has been quite the challenge.

[Surfer]

Exercise, yoga etc is 'practical' detachment. Particularly CV exercise.

When you do this your mind is already occupied in 'fight or flight mode' so your thoughts can't use this 'mode'. Try thinking deeply about your situation for more than 20 secs uninterrupted when your heart rate is 150 BPM and you are on a treadmill.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Coly,

Running might not be your thing. It doesn't matter. What matters are those GAL activities that occupy your mind. They are very important. Even if it's just a walk. Talking to others too. These things stop overthinking.

Surfer.

[Altair]

How goes it Coly?
Feeling good after my month of NC-- need to snap that rubber band!

[Coly23]

Hi everyone thank you for your comments. Surfer, I do like running but we've been so busy at work I've been too knackered to go to the gym!

My mind has definitely been spinning Altair exactly the the way you have described it. I tried yoga but I really wasn't for me. I have seen a learn to sew class in a nearby community centre which I might try. I need to try something different to what I usually do which is going to the gym. Well done in your month of no contact. I remember how tough that was but I didn't spin as much as I am doing now so it was definitely worth it. Keep snapping that rubber band.

Journaling - saw H for coffee again today. It went really well. The previous two meetings I was very tense and felt like I was putting on a show but today I was too tired to be something other than myself and it really helped me to relax. We are meeting for coffee again next week. That is all....

[Altair]

coly,
here's a question. Any evidence of an OW? Does he seem depressed when you see him? or coming out of something? Just curious as our situations are so similar. On my end, at this point I probably don't even want to know, but there's no evidence of an OW.

[Coly23]

Thanks for the edit Job!

Hey Altair, as far as I know there is no evidence of an OW and as far as depression goes he seems pretty normal to me but he could be putting on an act IDK.

We were talking about D's birthday and Christmas presents and the fact that she has such expensive taste! He's going to look into a few things that we can get her together because we really couldn't afford it on our own and it seemed like a pretty Normal conversation.

I had IC yesterday and she asked me what the first sign would be that he wanted to try again and I said off course it would be him asking. However I don't know if you remember me stupidly texting him just before I went dark in a fit of fear and asking if we can start seeing each other once a week to start to rebuild and he said not at the moment? My IC thinks this could be one of those signs but I'm not convinced yet...

After coffee we had some really good text chat about my phone and whether I should renew it but then I pushed it and went a step to far and tried to keep the convo going and he shut down and hasn't responded back. Watch, monitor and stop making the same mistakes!!!

[Surfer]

Coly,

Like me. You seem to be the one that sends the last text. It comes across as needy. It is actually you loving the 'company' of your H.

I think think this is a skill for life. Just short brief texts. Just one if you can and always in response if possible.

Positive steps. No expectations however.

Surfer.

[pinn]

Great advice surfer.

Sounds like you are doing well Coly... keep it up! I would step back a bit now and see if H initiates anything.