Still lost, still confused (part 2)

[Vanilla]

Dark to J2

For me, I have since day 1 said that to me (my feelings and thoughts) that once divorce happens it's over forever. I know many on here still work on themselves in hopes that they will have a new, better relationship with their former spouse but I am not one of them.

I think you are missing the point.

Yes absolutely

People on here, like me, are working on themselves in hopes of having a better relationship with our next partner.

Yes, yes, yes

If that turns out to be our spouses, then I imagine many on here would be happy.

I always think it's the LBS that chooses in every sitch.

Unfortunately, none of us have control over that outcome; all we can do is understand where we went wrong in the old relationship and learn how to do better in the new one.

each R is different, what works in one may not in another or at a different time. Often we don't go wrong, it is not our circus or monkeys.

If your only definition of success is reconciliation, then I think you are setting yourself up for failure.

Absolutely

How does it look different? Once divorced, she will be the woman I impregnated twice. That's it. Nothing else. Not a friend. Not an acquaintance. Nothing but the woman who happens to be linked by kids.

OK. But how is that different from what she is to you right now?

Great post agree agree agree.

I get the whole "mother of my children" part. That's why I have been so respectful and flexible and patient. But if I am not treated with respect as "father of her children" then she will not get respect from me.

You get to choose how you treat someone. In my mind, Im going to treat everyone how I would like to be treated. What you are saying above sounds like the opposite of detachment - letting your actions be controlled by hers.


Wow, great thoughts.

4 therapists were in shock on what I've dealt with and each but the last 1 suggested I run....fast! I didn't. But at some point, you stop allowing someone to disrespect you and your boundaries.

Pro-marriage therapists?

In any case, why are you letting her disrespect your boundaries now? A weak boundary isnt really a boundary. So what are your boundaries? How are you going to maintain/protect them now?

I would love to know the answers too.

So what will be different after divorce? Everything. No friend. No coldness from me but complete and utter disinterest. The legal documents will say what can and cannot happen and those would be followed to a T. Legally binding and agreed by both.

Like I said, why is that different from right now? In my opinion, the actual act of 'divorce' is no different from changing your facebook status - it's just reporting your relationship status to the government. I dont see how the actual act will actually change anything about your life.

It may set him free to date and feel free. For some of us these changes aren't appropriate or permitted until D.

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I love this post by dark.

V