I know what it means to be fatigued to the soul by this. I had the benefit of getting some parental time with my children, but that added a new layer of responsibility on top of a full time job that I hadn't had to contend with before, plus the grocery shopping, house stuff that XW used to do as a SAHM, bills, doctors appointments, etc. It was simply too much.
What worked for me is that I had a strong support group:
My DB Coach. My Lawyer. My IC. My parents. This forum.
Every step of the way I had good advice. I didn't have to solve all of my own problems. I could just follow the instructions of the experts, and do what I needed to do in front of me.
The other thing I grew strong at was living in the moment. I quit thinking expansively. Thoughts about how it would feel to go through this for years, or forever, concern about how long I could keep it up, what my life would be like in the future, etc, I just put them to bed. I started living life day by day. Day by day. Day by day. I couldn't plan my future. I didn't know where I'd live, when I'd see my kids, what my job would be, pretty much anything. But I knew what I'd be doing that day. And I developed faith that while things might not be easy, I'd handle them.
Ultimately it was this faith in myself that saved me. I learned that the road would open up and while I couldn't see my future, it would be there. Someone once said it was like driving through the fog, you couldn't see the road in front of you, but each 50 feet you'd see that the road continued a little more, and you just knew it would keep going even when you couldn't see it. And I had faith that while it might be difficult, I'd continue to find the best course of action for whatever situation arose, and while it might not be what I wanted, I'd keep being appreciative for what I still had and that would get me through.
Appreciation. That was another big one. EVERY DAY. EVERY DAY. I'd spend a few minutes really being appreciative for what I had. I even had a hypnotist make me a recording I'd listen to every morning, part of the time was about feeling the hurt I'd been in, then it would be letting go of it, little by little, then feeling appreciation for what I had, those I loved, etc, until I was almost in tears for how much I appreciated what I had, and then allowing my energy to build as my day's plans took clarity, and then I'd finally get out of bed feeling like I'd put aside my boulder of pain for the day and ready to take on today's challenge.
So- good support group, one day at a time, faith that whatever comes you'll find the best way forward, and a tremendous focus on appreciation daily for what you have in your life.
Of course you could always move to the Bahamas and operate a banana stand and get high on the beach every day. This was my fall back position if everything else went south...
Hang in and keep posting.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
