MLC H at age 32, maybe single mum with a toddler S

[AndrewP]

Maybe - I find that for me that I get (sometimes too much) attention to my own thread by "visiting the neighbours". Even just a quick drive-by like this one and saying "I feel your pain", "You're doing great!" will generate some interest.

Remember - this is a community and if you get out and about your neighbours will start to take an interest in you.

I will confess that I'm not very familiar with your situation but you seem to be doing your best in a very trying circumstance. There has been some writing and discussion on other threads about "quarter-life-crisis" which can happen as people go through different life stages. I'm not enough of a pro to really comment on that especially since the scientific community isn't a big believer in MLC itself.

In my brief browsing of your thread I haven't noticed too much that you are doing on "your side of the street". You've mentioned some issues that you feel you have had but not too much about what you are doing to become a better person - the person "only a fool would leave". Having your H still coming in an out of your place does make detaching and working on yourself tough - I know this well.

Good luck!

[Vanilla]

Sometimes I think we lose sight of good enough. Improving you is of course the most important thing.

None of this is your fault or responsibility, the tran escort is left of field and confusing. Well I could be confused in your shoes, my xH2 wanted to explore these options in his world, two years after we D, he decided he wanted 'his' M back and his ex.

Meh!

Nothing surprises me.

Truly it was never a crisis or my issue. It just was an option. H2 was a gentleman and the D was amicable and fair. A fizzler that fizzled out.

This isn't easy as a sitch.

Detach, go GAL and let go of the outcome.

Hugs

V

[j20a00g]

Ok. I'm still confused as to what you are hoping for. If it's just to vent and get stuff off of your chest then carry on. If it's to work a plan then nowhere on the plan is snooping productive. You have to work on detaching or you will go crazy. You know a lot about the escort, your H moves, what he's up to. Not seeing a lot about what you are doing for you.

[Zues126]

I don't know I am allowed to have a new thread along with my 2 others, but none are getting many comments and I'd like some advices asap...

So I have cut right down on pursuing. No messages on the days he doesn't visit, intentionally make plans so he visits less. He got annoyed and said, if you want to go out, why can't you just leave S with me. So I organised a dinner to do just that. He didn't want to be alone with S, took him to his mum. Texted a few times while I was at dinner, which I took time to reply. He texted, you must of having a good time coz you don't bother to reply. That would of been my text to him 3 months ago.

The only thing is I am not good at dealing with his questions. He asked repeatively was I going on a date. He said he doesn't care who I am seeing just want to know. Also said he wasn't dating and he would let me know if he is. I said no it's just a friend but he obviously doesn't believe it. Because I took time to dress up I guess. He was very argumentative after I returned, and when I pointed that out he said I am "shitting" him. I deep down wanted to laugh When I heard that.

Although I had stated that I don't want to share my plans because we aren't sharing. I feel like I am not handling it well enough. I asked him politely to leave multiple times, but he was staying till 9:30. But just grumpily playing with his phone on the couch. I will keep on GAL, but what to do when he's asking questions again? Still being vague? It doesn't seem to work coz he really persists on asking. And when I said I don't want to share, he got annoyed. Is this a good thing?

You're doing well Maybe. One thing I am a believing in is "showing" not "telling". The whole actions speak louder than words.

For example, instead of telling him you aren't sharing anymore, simply don't share.

His reactions and emotions aren't a good measuring stick. They are haywire right now, some of which are just reflections of his pain, some are reactions to long time resentment that has nothing to do with today, some are manipulation attempts, and some might be because of the bad pasta he ate the other day. Who knows. You simply cannot watch his behavior or listen to his words right now, no weight can be given to this, it will drive you NUTS!

Instead you truly have to believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, detach, and measure your progress on your own behavior and emotional forward movement.

Keep posting.

[Maybe]

Thanks Andrew and Jag2000. I agree that I am not doing well detaching. I found myself not looking into his eyes when we talked because I think I might give myself away if I do. How do you detach when you see S every other day? Please do share your ideas?

And yes, my GAL is perhaps all smoke and not much inside me had changed.... I feel very sad and frustrated at how much I want to change and how much I am not changing. I got a new job. Before BD I was a full time mum. I befriended another mum whom I meet 2 or 3 times a week for activities. I joined a yoga club but had to stop after starting my new job. I meet with people to do language exchange (I am learning Japanese) whenever I can). I see a psychologist once a fortnight but she's not solution oriented. I keep seeing her because she's more affordable. But I don't have family or other friends. I feel very lonely and sorry for myself. I need goals.

New goals:
1. start exercising again at least twice a week
2. Reconnecting with old friends
3. Make more plans for me and my son.

I am not reading a lot of other people's thread because I can only browse on my phone after my son falls asleep. He's sick a lot being his first year in kinder. It's also hard to GAL with a toddler. And I can hardly think sometimes...

[Maybe]

Thanks Vanilla, I am obviously not able to let go of the outcome yet. I know all the logical things I should be doing. But my heart is really listening to my brain!

[Maybe]

Thanks Zues, I do talk too much when he's around. I am trying to be friendly. But really nothing I tried is working obviously. After the jeolousy act last night, he canceled his visit today, which is very disheartening for me. I obviously wanted him to start turning around after making him think that he is really losing me. And yes, I am doing this all wrong coz I am still not doing things for me. I am doing things hoping I will like his reaction. I have a long way to go...

[Maybe]

After reading your comments, I decided to negotiate with H for him to come over less. I texted, no reply. I called later that night coz I got sick and decided to take a sick day from work. S has pink eye, can't go to kinder, original plan was for him to take a carer'S leave day to look after son. So I ringed to let him know I would be home so he did not have to come. He reacted badly, accused me of lying and keep stopping him to see S. I told him I didn't call to fight, and would talk when we are calmer. 30 mins later, We managed to have a productive conversation about his misunderstanding, he apologised.

Today he came to take S out for a few hours. I decided to focus on the positive and thanked him for being able to listen even when he was upset with me. He started to show concern for my sickness, made a doctor appointment, drove me there, and gave me money to pay for the doctor. Wow... haven't had that treatment for 4 months! I also thank him for keep paying the mortgage. He said, I put you in this situation, i need to take some responsibility even if hits me financially. Not saying it's sign that we are out of the wood, but I am glad to know that caring person I know it's still there somewhere, and I was allowed a look in today. I must of been doing something right?

Still having trouble detaching. I care about him a lot. Guess just need to not let his action affect me so much? I am not doing anything else until I read DR again.

[bsb]

I'm sorry for all of this for you. I know detaching is hard as I'm going through it also at the moment. It drives us crazy and they seem fine. I guess that is part of it. I'm going to try to have a better weekend so I hope you do to.

[Zues126]

You're a very loving partner and I appreciate you doing your best to stand for your marriage.

I like your idea of rereading DR.

Today he came to take S out for a few hours. I decided to focus on the positive and thanked him for being able to listen even when he was upset with me. He started to show concern for my sickness, made a doctor appointment, drove me there, and gave me money to pay for the doctor. Wow... haven't had that treatment for 4 months! I also thank him for keep paying the mortgage. He said, I put you in this situation, i need to take some responsibility even if hits me financially. Not saying it's sign that we are out of the wood, but I am glad to know that caring person I know it's still there somewhere, and I was allowed a look in today. I must of been doing something right?

The main point of my last post was that tying your emotions to his behavior, then trying to influence his behavior with your behavior, this is a good way to go insane.

How can I get him to _____? I can't believe that when I did ____ he did ______! Maybe if I ______ he'll ______... AND SO ON.

This doesn't work for so many reasons. First of all, it is controlling behavior, and it will feel controlling to him. When a man feels controlled, like he is a puppet being tugged on, his reaction is to try to create MORE DISTANCE so he is outside of your influence. Secondly, you become more and more attached to his behavior. What he does creates more and more impact on your emotional frame of mind. And finally, it doesn't work, and you will just be beating your head against a wall again and again, wondering why you can't find a way to act that will give you the outcome you want.

Have you heard of Allanon? It is a group designed to help the spouses and family of alcoholics, because many of these individuals destroy their lives by contorting themselves around their loved one's drinking. Trying to nag them to quit. Reward them to quit. Hiding bottles. Shaming. Punishing. Guilting. Etc. In the end, they must learn to let this person go. They may drink forever. They may not. But whatever that person does, they have to be the one to do it, and the best thing they can do is drop the rope.

Still having trouble detaching. I care about him a lot. Guess just need to not let his action affect me so much? I am not doing anything else until I read DR again.

As for loving, I posted this the other day:

The problem is that newcomers saying "I love my WAS so much I will do anything to save my M", are really saying "I need my WAS so please show me how to control their behavior so I get what I want when I want it!"

Selfish.
Controlling.
Diminishing pain and feelings of WAS.
Impatient.
Unappreciative.
I could go on.

Fighting to save the M is a noble spin on some really unattractive and destructive emotions and behaviors.

This site is about fighting to save the marriage by letting go of those behaviors and becoming a partner that someone would CHOSE to be with, not finding a way to manipulate someone back into a dysfunctional relationship with a puppet master.

Those are all human emotions, no shame in feeling them. Hopefully it helps to see the two roads so you can choose day by day which you want to travel.

The right answer is to really detach.

Someone got mad, said there is a lot of talk about detaching, but not much on how to do that. Well, I've already written a lot here so I won't make a separate thread about how to detach, but I think there should be a sticky with tips on how. But sometimes the easiest way to define the 'DOs' is to identify the 'DON'Ts'. Hopefully my post here has helped you see what doesn't work and why.

What are the times when you feel most attached to his behavior? What are the thoughts you have the start with "I need him to" or "I want him to" or "I hope he", etc? For me, I'd start by examining those situations. This usually comes from the idea that things will only be "OK" if he does what you want, and that if he doesn't that things will be "Not OK". When you feel that your life will be happy or wrecked forever depending on what he chooses, of course you'll be attached! Which is why detaching truly means learning to accept the loss of your marriage and finding a way to move forward and finding some type of peace even in a situation that you never asked for.

DR poses the question of what you'd do if your H died. In that case you couldn't control him back to the marriage. No, it's not what you wanted. But you'd have to keep going.

For me what saved me was APPRECIATION. How dare I look at God and say that despite my health, children, loving family, many gifts I've been given, place to live, food, and wonderful experience to enjoy, despite all of that, I couldn't possibly enjoy any of it and it was all one big pile of $hit if I didn't get my XW back, without her I couldn't possibly be happy...if I really felt that way, if I was that impossible, if I was really THAT unappreciative, would one woman really suddenly put my heart at ease and make me happy? I don't think so. I used that as a challenge, and I learned to be happy and appreciative in my life with or without my ex. And a good thing too, because she wasn't coming back!

In fact, I've never been happier, because for the first time this forced me to learn to be appreciative. Divorce is horrible and you will not find a bigger opponent of divorce than me. You won't. I'm not saying my divorce 'was a good thing'. Nope. I still feel that my wife was murdered and I am now co-parenting the children with her murderer. Don't get me started. But the point is that was out of my control, and while my life is permanently crippled in some ways compared to what could've been, I am enjoying what is left to me more than I enjoyed what I had before.

OK, I'll put a cork in it. This is tough and you're very new in your sitch. Keep posting, keep reading, and keep reflecting. It's a process. I'm sorry you're in pain Maybe.