Sandi2 question thread

[sandi2]

Hi Cheesyt, I am not up to date about your situation, so my answers may seem rather general. However, I believe it would answer or explain the mindset of your WW.

my w came out with the I'm sorry I've been thinking a lot, I love you, I miss you, we are meant to be together, she made a mistake she wants to take back but is scared of what "others" will think and that she still needs to decide what's best for her & D10. all of course 7+ months after BD. W is still seeing OW, so yes similar to fighting "sorrys" but actions are still of betrayal. w has recently asked numerous times what I want and asked If I hate her. W is very interested in my life and what I'm doing.

The majority of cases I've read had a WW who wanted to keep one foot in her old life with her partner, and one foot in her new life with her new partner/lover. She is very concerned about you finding someone to replace her position in your life, so she keeps a check on what/when/who you are doing. Sounds crazy, huh? It gets crazier. She wants you to continue loving her......and actually be happy for her in her new relationship/affair. Her thinking is like, "Can we all just be good friends"? She probably won't tell you those blunt words, but she will say other things to gauge your emotional attachment to her. It sounds as if it is important to her what people think. Then again, I've heard many WW's say the same thing as an excuse.

I suggest you conduct yourself in a very calm and poised manner. Do not allow your emotions to surface. If she says something similar again, just look expressionless and say, "It sounds as if you still have a lot to think about". If she says she loves you, don't respond. If she says she is sorry, then say, "I'm afraid it is more complicated than that". (saying sorry doesn't fix it). If she asks what you want, tell her you would have to think about it quite a while.......and see what happens. In other words, see if the affair stops and she ends all contact with OW.

If she repeats she is sorry, you might ask her to be more detailed and explain what she is sorry about. If she says, "everything".......then reply with, "It's not that simple anymore". And btw, don't offer her affection when she is doing all this emotional "poor me" stuff. The WW is centered on one thing........herself!

When do we actaully know? I understand the remorse and the apologies have to come with actions. is that it? No actions, no M? No way to "encourage" the actions? I'm completely at a loss as to what to do in my stich now.

Her words are not valid unless they parallel with her actions. I would seriously doubt genuine remorse if she continued having an A. Do you want a M to a person who does not honor her vows of fidelity? Do you want an open M? If you have been the faithful spouse, are you willing to compromise your integrity to have a cheater? Without her ending her contact with the OW.......that's exactly what you will have.

I know it must be horrible for you going through this pain. I wish I could tell you how you could prompt her to reverse her direction and be willing to push up her sleeves to work on the M with you. Honestly, as long as she thinks you are on the back burner waiting.....she won't be in any hurry. IMHO, the best way you can hurry her to make the right action is for you to follow the LRT technique. You don't have to give up hope, but I think you will have to emotionally let go of her in order for her to do what needs to be done. She sees you as "safe". Maybe that should change. Remorse can come when that person sees what she's lost. As long as she sees you waiting, she doesn't see she's lost you.

I am not telling you to jump into another relationship, or that your W will never be ready to repair a R with you. Just serious GAL and stop being available to your WW. She has to go through a process all by herself. Remember that four letter word everyone here hates........"time".