A lot of people here talk about "garnering respect" from their wives, by a Man... I'd be curious how one delineates "controlling" from "boundaries" I've struggled with this along my journey as I know my wife would say that I was someone that had to be in control of most aspects in our lives.
So how does one garner the respect without appearing to be controlling? (Sandi2 hoping you'll chime in on this one ;-)
I wonder if the controlling thing in most cases for a WW is code for "we are married on paper only and I can do what I want...I don't owe you anything." I only say this because my wife was DEFINITELY the boss in our relationship, and I was a veritable doormat in an effort to keep her happy (which in hindsight was probably a bad idea because somewhere along the way she lost respect for me). She still likes to claim during this whole process that I am too controlling because I would ask where she was or if she was ok when she stayed out late. Or complain when she started texting/hanging out with new people and doing new things (one of whom was the OM). In other words, show concern regarding serious red flags in any relationship...what any normal, rational person would do.
In a nutshell, don't beat yourself up if they call you controlling...unless it was something they talked about pre-waywardness, it's not really an issue. It should be your clue that you haven't detached enough though.
Two cards the WW plays the most are the "guilt card" and the "control card". She will try to make the LBH feel guilty as a way to manipulate him. If he sets a boundary, she screams that he's controlling. LBS need not to explain where he stands or expound on what he said. The WW is using these cards to manipulate and get her way. The H needs to ignore these accusations.
I feel there may some who do not fully understand boundaries in a M. I can see how it could be misinterpreted as trying to control the other spouse. First of all, control is all about your spouse, and what she does, what she feels, etc. Control is keeping track of where she is every hour, who she talked to.......on & on. If she does not do it your way, then you punish her by giving the silent treatment, yelling at her or whatever. Control comes from fear; co-dependency; anger; inferiority; ...........on & on.
Boundaries are all about you. Boundaries are your limits. They are set in place by you...to protect you.....emotionally, mentally, & physically. Boundaries come from self-respect; dignity; freedom; values; integrity; & protection. They are not used to control or punish the your W for not choosing to do things your way.
Since honoring your boundary requires respect from the WW.........simply stating your boundary, may not be enough. Whatever your WW is doing that is hurting you, the benefits she receives for violating your boundary may outweigh respecting your boundary. (WW's are very resistant to the H's boundaries). So at this point, you need to enforce consequences. I did a little homework on the subject, so the list below reflects what I read.
A consequence is an effect, or result, of another action from you. You need to establish an appropriate consequence for your WW's disrespect, so that she will experience some type of discomfort due to her total negligence/irresponsibility of your boundary. Otherwise, your boundary will not be effective. A consequence needs to have some very important characteristics:
1. Boundaries and consequences are not about fixing your spouse, or making her choose better. They are about allowing appropriate cause and effect so that she will experience the pain of irresponsibility, and then change. 2. Be deliberate and not impulsive........or set in anger. Think it through, and maybe post on the board to get other view points of what an appropriate effect might be. It is not about getting even. It is about getting out of enabling the wayward spouse, and about protecting yourself from her wayward behavior. 3. Make sure this is something you can and will do. You need to make sure you have the power and resources to set the limit. Don't make threats. 4. Remember your spouse has freedom of choice. Don’t set a consequence by saying, “You have to,” “You must,” or, “I will make you. . . .” Consequences are not something you do to control your spouse. They are reactions to her choices. Let her make her choices, but prepare your reactions. 5. The consequence should be immediate as possible. Just as kids need quick consequences, so does your WW. She can make the association between her action and the results if they are close together in time. 6. You want reality to be your WW's instructor, as much as possible. For example, a WW who becomes enraged should have her H and children leave her presence for a while. No one wants to be around her when she's having tantrums. This is preferable to an unrelated consequence, such as leaving her alone to watch the kids an extra evening while you go out to GAL. 7. Stay away from humiliating or punitive consequences such as making fun of her or making sarcastic remarks. 8. Consequences don’t have to be forever. As your WW owns and repents, you can change the consequences. However, be sure that change has truly occurred over some period of time. Just saying “I’m sorry” is not enough to let go of consequences. The other side of this, however, is that you may have to escalate the severity of the consequence if your WW behaves worse.
I hope this will help someone in understanding the difference in boundaries vs control, and also consequences vs punishment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
