Me and Mildlife and...III

[CT1118]

Holiday coming soon. Time has passed both quickly and slowly. Spouse has been noticeably different in the past 4-5 weeks. Not sure if it is an adjustment to how/who I am or if it is an adjustment to how/who she is. Not sure I really care. I mean that, I am not sure if I care. I feel like I want to care, perhaps better said like I should care, maybe that's it, like I should. After all, one is so used to caring in all this.

To be honest, I am at a point where I have wondered on my own motivation for continuing to post on my ow sitch here (I do like to come here and read on my friends, sound terrible to say I 'like' to do that, given where we are). I have done so much digging, into me - gone so deep into me - found the things I felt were wrong, incomplete, or unacceptable about me. Identified, exorcised, and lobotomized what I did not like or agree with about me. There are definitely a few things I have left, but the earth-moving is done, and now I fell like I am only planting. Long story long, I feel really and truly honestly good about being me. An alignment of self, so to speak.

I am baffled why I even give enough of a chit (to use Eric's version of the word) to post my dealings with wife now, just thinking there must be something left in me that I am missing. Perhaps that something left is nothing more than the fact that I still love her, after all that has become, I still love her. And not for the surface reasons, which I trust at this point I don't have to explain here, I do think I have proven myself beyond that.

I was leaving her house tonight. I picked up some 'dishes' she had made for my family for Thanksgiving holiday. She called earlier today 'just to talk'. She called Sunday, when I had care of our son 'just to talk'. She says I love you quite regularly now. She sends me emails which have no point. She has begun texting on an interest level in the past few weeks to where I end it just because I don't feel like it. She makes me food...tonight she gave me a bunch of food she made for me to eat, not just what she made for my family. Third time in three weeks she has made food just for me. Tonight she made a joke about her brother, its his birthday and he got outted on having an affair a few days ago, and her joke was "I bet you don't want a divorce for you birthday". I didn't laugh, i felt like I should have walked out when she said it, but I have gotten beyond that childish display of anger and instead just looked her for a moment and changed the conversation. So, I was leaving her house tonight, and I just felt like she was a woman I am simply interested in (granted, in a deep way) and that all of the above did not much matter beyond other things which happened in my day.

I know she is still involved with OM. Does it really matter, no. Is there something I can do about it, no. Do I really think there is some deeper meaning to it, no. I am not concerning myself with any 'stage' she is in, or that I am in for that matter. I think I may just be writing to write it so to speak. Well, not entirely true, do always welcome the comments. It was tempting, for a moment writing this, to say why I loved her. I know why and I will keep that for my own. What I think works better here, is why I love my self. I love my flaws - they built me. I love that I was challenged by people here to confront the 'why' of me, and I met that challenge. I love that I asked for help, and that I received it. I love that I believe in my changes and what to keep them, until I need to change again, and then I will. I love that everyone here kept a promise to help me and that I return it. I love that I love my son in a better way than I did before I got here.

I love that I love me, I love my self, I am not done, but I am so very much closer than I ever have been before - as in my entire life. I still love her, maybe shouldn't, but to quote "deserve's got nothing to do with it". I am more than the sum of my parts. I love that I am the man she would be a fool to walk away from, and I love that this does not matter to me. The real DB should speak to realizing that I am the self I would be a fool to ignore. I am not that foolish, I am me, the best I have, still not the best I will be.