Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

Agreed with doodler on this one. J, I don't have any advice on how to deal with their delusions other than to keep walking away and detaching. As long as we cling to the desire for them to see things our way, understand the damage they've done, regret their decisions, etc, it just hurts ourselves.

Something else is on my mind. I think relationships are impossible the way most people seem to want to go about them. It is similar to my impatience at times with the DB fixation on growth.

It's like there's an idea that if we grow, learn proper boundaries, learn to express ourselves, control our own happiness, maintain our own friends network, overcome our additions and compulsions, avoid co-dependencies, give people chances but trust our guts, date enough people and learn from our failures, clarify our expectations and deal breakers and stand up for them boldly, value ourselves, fill our own life but be open to committing time to others, be giving but not taken advantage of, have standards but not unrealistic expectations, join the right dating sites or the right singles activities, see an IC so we don't recreate FOO issues, then psychoanalyze our potential partners so they don't either, teach people how to treat us without trying to change others or deny they are who they show us they are, and on and on and on...then we will be able to find the right partner and maintain a healthy relationship.

Where I come from they call this 'analysis paralysis'. It's simply too much to calculate. It's like trying to throw a crumpled up newspaper in the waste bucket and solve for air resistance, gravity, humidity, and all of that...it's impossible. But if you just throw it in the bucket it goes in. It's like when the toad asked the centipede which leg it lifted first when it walked, and suddenly the creature could no longer move.

My feelings are this doesn't work. I don't believe it works. It doesn't look like it works.

It all looks really good on paper. Hey, if we could really do all of that and execute that plan perfectly, how could it not? But as the saying goes, "There is no difference between theory and practice- IN THEORY- but there is in practice".

Am I saying we shouldn't have boundaries? We should allow ourselves to be mistreated? We should take the path of least resistance and make decisions that are bad for us? That growth and conscientiousness is worse than ignorance and laziness? NO!

But the opposite of over-analysis isn't necessarily making all of the mistakes that we're frantically trying to avoid. It is simply letting go of the control a little bit, relaxing our white knuckle grip in the way we try to force the universe to give us what we want.

My hunch is that the analytical/logical/rational part of our brain is incapable of navigating through a relationship. We are all smart, these forums weed out the illiterate. And we can easily feel like we are smart enough to 'solve the puzzle'. I don't think we are. I don't think we can.

I think what would work is if people didn't give control of the steering wheel of their lives to their rational brain. If instead of trying to lead, they tried to FOLLOW. Christians believe they make trouble in their life when they try to control their own lives, exert their own will. Instead they try to turn their lives to God, that His will be done. They hit bottom when they try to do it all themselves, it's considered almost sacrilegious, like the Devil is tempting them to put ourselves higher than God, because we know better and can do better for ourselves than He can. When the truth is that we do better when we follow the lead of what the spiritual leaders tell us to do. Which is actually pretty simple. Love our neighbors, serve our community and our parents and our spouses, etc. No where in there does it say to control everything.

I'm not particularly religious, but I believe things worked that way for a long time for a reason. I don't think we can serve ourselves and make it all work. I think as long as people make themselves their own God in their lives they will fail. That the only way relationships will work is if both people put the relationship ahead of themselves. In the Church, marriages can work if both people put God ahead of themselves, and serve the other the way God would have them serve Him. Well, that can't happen when we immediately say "yeah, but only if it fits the parameters of this 14 book series I've written for myself about how relationships in my life have to be..."

So if we all just let go, stayed with one partner, strove hard every day to let go of the resentment that comes from expectations, and instead served them to the best of our ability and appreciated what they gave in return...if this was our culture, if this is what we learned and taught and the lead we followed...I think relationships could work.

But we think we have it all figured out now. We are going to get what we want, because there's a way if we just figure it all out, because we deserve it, and we are too smart to accept less, that's for suckers. And in thinking this we as a culture have turned marriage into an endangered species, yet we think the answer is going further down the same road.

This is why I don't feel safe in a relationship. While I'm a champion, in a relationship I'm on a team, and I'm only as good as my partner, and everyone seems to think this way and it simply won't work.

OK. It's out. I'm good now.

I'm not saying I'm right on this guys. I just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out. I love and respect all of you, and wish you all the best. The intentions are all positive, and, as I said, we are so conditioned to this way of thinking that individually all of our goals and boundaries and everything looks so natural and positive. Hey, maybe you are all right, you will all find lasting happy relationships this way. I hope you all do.

As for me, I'll take care of my kids, keep doing my job, and when I'm free I'll just shoot balls into pockets. Somehow that makes sense to me.

PS- after 7 consecutive draws Sergey Karjakin won game 8 of the chess world championships with the black pieces! I caught the end of the game with my kids and it was super exciting. Only a maximum of 4 games left, Magnus Carlsen needs to find a win with white quickly or he loses the title. Life is good