I am really scared when I read a lot of the newcomer stories. I am very afraid to become attached to someone because I feel like it is inevitable that they will cheat or villify me to justify leaving. I am afraid of entering into a dysfunctional relationship and not being able to recognize that it is or becomes dysfunctional.
I am definatly afraid to get close to the guy I have been dating because his FOO issues are major. He is very open about these issues and about his vulnerabilities , (which is night and day different from STBX) but it scares me.
in a very weird conversation, he said to me that he would forgive his wife of 30 years if she was to cheat on him. And of course I debated this. I took this to mean that he would be capable of cheating on someone he was with for a long time and that he doesn't share the same values on fidelity that I do. I asked him if he would be capable of cheating on someone he was with for so long, and he said he would like to think that he would not, but couldn't answer definitively because he has no way of knowing the circumstances..or something like that. This answer, while honest made me detach too.
I read somewhere that we tend to date people we are comfortable with. And that the people we are comfortable with are often the people that share certain traits with our exes. This guy has a more indulgent and addictive personality, like my ex and that scares me. I don't smoke and I drink very rarely, so wouldn't it be smarter to date some one similar? Although my closest friends are pretty big drinkers, eaters, partiers. Does that make them more accepting of cheating?
I feel like I am actively looking for red flags with him and I could end this at the drop of a hat because of those red flags. (Of course DBing has trained me to stay cool, and none of these thoughts are ever revealed) I think new relationships are usually filled with good feelings and endorphin highs, but I am certainly holding back.
I even wonder if the reason he likes me so much is because I hold back...and if there is dysfunction in that?
My ex was a very black and white thinker. He wouldn't entertain or acknowledge or validate thoughts or ideas. He hated talking about politics, religion, ideas or "what ifs" with me. BThis new guy enjoys conversation and discussion. He has said that talking is an aphrodasiac to him. We have very long conversations that are often silly and imaginative and he shares things he probably shouldn't with a girl he's trying to date. He is funny and makes me laugh which is a plus.
But I guess I have to get to know him better to determine if there is real potential. He has been very respectful, and a gentleman through and through. I'm just not sure if he would be capable of long term faithfulness.
