Did her Mom go through any big changes in her life when she was in her early 40's?
Whatever the cause and whoever's fault it is, what's going on is not healthy, not normal. Not just the marriage itself, but each of you is not in a healthy place. So I believe you will benefit from a therapist. I hope you can find a good one. It takes a bit of effort to find a therapist that feels right. Whatever your wife is going through -- whether it might be diagnosed as BPD or not -- you are likely playing a role. Talking to a professional about all of that will help you figure out how you can be a healthier person.
I appreciate your advice and I admit that you are probably correct. I also agree that I am probably playing a role. Nothing happens in a vaccum, it takes two. However, this option is off the table for me. The reaction to suggesting therapy would be rejected and make my situation worse. I'm looking for ideas that I can do on my own.
