Are there any signs that the W is feeling a loss and or showing remorse? My W has made some recent changes. My expectations are 0 but I can't help but notice she is different. Maybe she is playing/manipulating me.
If you have ever seen how a person acts when they realize the harm their actions have caused..........then that will give you a clue to how she feels when the remorse is authentic.
If the remorse is genuine, she will not have that intense anger lashing out toward her H. She will not make her digs at him when talking. She won't be sarcastic or bitter with him. She may feel so ashamed she acts uncomfortable around him. Her attitude will show humility. She may, or may not, make statements of feeling shame. She will feel so much sorrow and regret for her actions that have torn her M apart....and her family apart, that she may cry when she sees him leaving with the kids, or when he tells her good-bye on the phone.
Different women will respond to those feelings in different ways. She may not say anything right away, but the H may detect a softness about her overall. She isn't the unwilling, mean, blaming, and selfish person he had previously witnessed. She loses the entitlement. She does not display any behavior or attitude of disrespect for her H.
I believe it is critical that the H does not take her back immediately upon her apologetic statements. He can forgive her, but apology is not an automatic shift into reconciliation. It is a neccessary first step. It is also critical that she freely expresses her sorrow to him and apologize........without any prompting from him. . She may not express everything at one time, and if he eagerly jumps in and suggests they reconcile........it could stunt the progression of her journey back from her waywardness. He should not try to help her by putting words in her mouth. He needs to be quite and kindly listen. She may, or may not, ask for his forgiveness or ask if she can have another chance. But if she does, the H can either tell her he has a lot to think about, or he can calmly tell her he forgives. I think it's important that he doesn't assume that anything else comes from this moment. This is not reconciling. It is her expressing her sorrow and, maybe, apologizing. He should not start asking about her feelings for him, the future, etc.
On the subject of what are some signs that she is suffering loss....... it completely depends upon what is her loss. Some H's may never have a clue to what that one, or final, thing was that caused her fantasy to crumble into ashes.
An entitled WW who begins to experience loss to material things or not getting her selfishness appeased.........will usually show anger and vindictiveness. An accumulation of things could be effective in opening her eyes to her reality. However, it may not change her heart. As long as she displays resentment, sarcasm, bitterness, disrespect, and has a rebellious attitude..........she's a long way from feeling any remorse.
Let me add that in most cases, IMHO, her experiencing a particular loss is not a guarantee reconciliation will take place. However, I do think that it is necessary to break her stubborn pride, replaced with remorse, and prep her willingness to open the door for reconciliation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
