She moved out...now the work begins...II

[SBJ]

I know this will sound funny, but at least for now you have to shelve your love for her and make yourself a priority (probably for the first time in your life). We have always been told that we mustn't be selfish,... But this it the exact time to be selfish and to take care of yourself first.

You are 100% correct...I have been the least selfish one in our relationship for 25 years. We had a bad on-going joke that there are givers and takers...guess which one I was. I will try and focus on myself and my kids...it is dang near impossible for me to ignore my feelings for her, but I will work on "shelving my love for her" for a while.

If she reaches out to you, possibly asking you if you are happy answer her by asking if she wants to talk. When my ex asked me I said yes and no. Yes that I still had my daughters around me and that I could participate in their life. No, that I never wanted the divorce and that I had truely enjoyed being a husband. Even after that first talk don't expect or even want a sudden change. What I have seen is this usually ends up bad with the spouse running back into the tunnel. Take it slowly. Like I have said elsewhere it truely is like watching the grass grow. Enjoy the good moments when they come. Learn to read her enough to sense when she need space to process things. Continue to live your life and allow her the room she needs to heal.

I have truly enjoyed being her husband...I guess that is one of the reasons that this is so hard. It seems that I am just as disposable as a pair of shoes to her. I know that everyone says that the MLC'er is very confused, but it sure does seem that she has it all figured out.

I know you say that it is a slow process, but we are only about 5 months from BD to D filing. She has a plan that I am not involved in...so that is kind of scary to me.

At this point I am trying to prepare myself to go on without her...Something that was never on my radar. I guess I need to figure out how to keep my sanity. Rumors are floating around our small community that she has left me for this OM. It is all I can do to keep from searching out the ppl that are spreading this rumor. Even if it is true, I don't want my kids hearing it.

I just hope and pray that one day she will realize that what we had and how good things actually were.

It could be worse...some MLCers ditch the kids. If you feel strong enough, and the feeling becomes authentic, you could even actually, briefly, thank her for those reasons when you see her. Its just psychology...negative thoughts lead to more negative feelings; positive leads to positive. It does hurt and is extremely painful, but you can only control your actions and how you react to things. It takes practice, but hey! The focus is on you right now. Its part of your PMA. Its why we focus on us, and this is a way of owning our reactions to feelings and changing them. Practice makes perfect.

The pics are OK with me...they do sting, but I told my kids to send them and they know that I want them to have a blast. I actually want them to have a great time, but secretly, I want my W to realize that it wasn't as fun without me there.

She is a great mother and in know way has she shown that she will ever ditch the kids. The only person she wished to ditch was me. I guess in her mind I was the one that was standing in the way of her fantasy world.

I am trying to stay positive, but it is mentally challenging. My FIL/SMIL asked me over for dinner last night. It is kind of refreshing to know that they see what she is doing as wrong and toxic for our family. He told me that I am the son he never had and that truly makes me feel good...especially since he has another son-in-law.

Thank you all for your word of encouragement. It is a good feeling to know that we are all fighting this battle together. There is a true strength in numbers.