She moved out...now the work begins...II

[ciluzen]

I, for one, can attest to what Life Twists is saying. I have learned to view the D as part of the process. My experiences with XH this weekend have shown me that he still is not quite right, but his stressors are very big and numerous at the moment, from business to family. I make sure that I let him know by my actions and demeanor that I'm ok and even happy, but that I am a safe person to talk to. I do not contact him, but oportunities arise an I make the most of them. DBing is almost second nature at this point. Almost.

I, too, have struggled quite a bit with the pain of feeling left out of the "family fun". As my D's are grown, he has latched on to his EA's family as a surrogate (really has for years). I babysat her kids for years while she worked with my XH and now I am no longer a part of their lives...but XH spends most holidays with them. I only hear about things second hand, but I get the left out feeling with that and when he gets together with my own kids. I know receiving the pictures and texts are painful, but try this little technique (it is something that is finally helping me). When you get those pictures and texts, recognize your feelings are of jealousy of your W enjoying the kids and how unfair it is that you are not there to be a part of it...or whatever else you might be feeling. Then flip it and find the positives...and mentally thank her. Be grateful. Thank her for making sure that the kids are happy when they spend time with her. That she is trying to meet their needs and is a good mother. It could be worse...some MLCers ditch the kids. If you feel strong enough, and the feeling becomes authentic, you could even actually, briefly, thank her for those reasons when you see her. Its just psychology...negative thoughts lead to more negative feelings; positive leads to positive. It does hurt and is extremely painful, but you can only control your actions and how you react to things. It takes practice, but hey! The focus is on you right now. Its part of your PMA. Its why we focus on us, and this is a way of owning our reactions to feelings and changing them. Practice makes perfect.