Wife has filed for divorce

[ngs]

I have a lot of questions. What do you do when she starts bringing up all that stuff again? What do you do when she's punishing you b/c of the past? What is your attitude and response? Have you forgiven yourself? Did you get counseling for yourself? Do you act like a victim when you are with her? Do you accept blame for things that are not your fault......b/c of the affairs?Have you been transparent in your activities, to show her no secret stuff is going on?

Have you suggested physical separation instead of a divorce......at least for a while?

Thank you for the response. So to answer your questions, bringing stuff up doesn't happen often as it was so long ago but when it happens I primarily listen and acknowledge the pain I've caused her, she tells me I don't understand and I will agree I don't understand the pain she has/is going through. It mostly comes up now as her way of validating the divorce because nothing will ever change and the only way to get herself healthy is divorce.

Her way of punishment is just being angry all the time, ignoring me the best she can or snide comments if we are talking just in general and I always am calm and positive, it wasn't that way 4 years ago but I've done a lot of work on myself the last 4 years to get to where I am.

Yes I've forgiven myself, it took a lot of years, anger/resentment towards myself, self-loathing which only made our relationship worse over that time.

I have been in counseling and currently have been for 6 months and have no plans of stopping because my current counselor has been an enormous help.

No I don't act like a victim, although some statements I have made such as "Can't we at least just get along for the kids?" may have come across that way and she accuses me that being self-centered only to make me feel better, so I've stopped saying things like that.

Accepting blame is probably right on because I accept the blame for everything with where our relationship is, how emotionally torn up she is and even though she filed for divorce, I blame myself and for the family splitting up, which she basically told me is my fault.

I'm transparent I don't hide anything, email, phone, I've always told her where I'm going or what I'm doing or who I'm with, although since the affairs I really haven't done much apart from her anyway.

I have mentioned legal/trial separation but she essentially said she needs the divorce for herself to heal, and doesn't want to keeping putting on "the show" by only separating.

I am going to give her all the space I can, tough living in the same house, but I left for the weekend last week to give her a break from me. Pre-trial conference is 1-10-17, so its coming fast. I'm just going to completely detach while in the same house because any interaction with us at this point is just detrimental, except we still have to interact because of our kids.

Thanks again for the response, I really appreciate it.