Life is kicking my butt

[qt4x11]

Hey I’m just checking in. I lost my job about 4 weeks ago. I took a week off, during which I sat around feeling sorry for myself and watching baseball. For the past 3 weeks I’ve been on a ton of phone interviews and in person interviews. About a week and a half into it I got an offer - the problem is, the company lowballed me and I would have had to take a 10% pay cut from my previous salary. I was pretty upset and angry about this - and after thinking it over, I told them - I would like a week to think about it. I was hoping that in that week I would get a better offer from another company - but none of my final interviews in that time came through. So at the end of the week I called them to accept the job - but they told me they had to give the job to someone else.

So now I’m freaking out. I have a ton of interviews coming up, phone and in person. On one hand I’m grateful that I still have other possibilities at this point. On the other hand I’m frustrated, scared, worn out, and I wish this job hunt was over. I can’t handle it right now. There’s just too much going on in my life right now:

-I’m still in love with my wife, also I think I hate her at least on some level at this point for what she’s put our family through. Not that she cares, in fact from the way she’s treated me at least in our limited contact these days, it’s as if she hates me or is could care less about me. I’m also missing my kids like crazy, and the prospect of spending Thanksgiving away from them this year is almost too much to bear. I’m basically still an emotional wreck, I’m heartbroken, scared, lonely, sad, and lost every minute of the day.

-We have to sell our house, and I have to move out by the end of the month. I’ve had to look for a new apartment - the one I chose to sign a lease on is a really big step down from where I live now. Almost anything is a step down. I had to sign the legal papers to make the house sale final the other day, it was another arrow through my heart. We had worked for so long to buy our dream house, I planned to raise my kids in this house - now that dream is really dead.

They say that 3 of the biggest stress factors in a person’s life include: divorce, moving to a new house, and losing your job. I’m going through all 3 at the same time.

These interviews also don’t help. I’m a software developer. Our field is notorious for having a grueling and difficult interview process. I’ve had to stand in front of 5 senior developers and do binary number manipulations in my head, I’ve had to write full Java programs out with a pen an paper. In our field you need very calm and focused, and intense concentration.

Suffice it to say, I’m having a hard time dealing with interviews in my emotional state. I’m still in a state of deep depression right now. I remember I watched a video about depression during divorce in my Divorce Care group - people were saying stuff like - when I was going through my divorce, it took an hour and a half for me to shower and get ready in the morning, I’d stand in front of the mirror to brush my teeth - I’d snap out of it and realize 30 minutes had gone by while I was lost in thought. That’s how it is for me - probably worse, I was hospitalized for depression, I was in the outpatient program who had just gotten out of the ER for cutting themselves.

But I have to go on, I have no other choice. Bills are piling up, my bank account is dwindling. I have to move whether I like it or not, or whether I like the place I have to move to. I just need a job right now, preferably a good paying job at a good company. I need a steady paycheck and a routine so I can get to a stable place.

I have accepted that I’ve lost my ex wife. Right now it’s about survival for me. I have to stop this free fall that I’m on. I have to get to a place where I know where I’m going to live, when I’m going to see my kids, where I have a routine and money and can focus on nursing myself back to health. That’s it. Things are pretty grim, but I have to keep going.