On Sunday I did go swimming with the W and kids. Then went over to her house for awhile to hang out. After doing that though I decided I have to stop doing that. I realize I am making it easier for her when she has the kids. She gets easily frustrated with them and for some reason I feel its my job to help. So I am making it a goal not to offer to hang out or anything that would take away from her having to be the parent when its her time.
Not only that, it is a way to keep you emotional dependent on the relationship. She needs to experience the picture of divorce. If you were divorce, would you being going inside her place and hanging out? One of the biggest traps to beware of while going through this part is doing things "as a family". That is eating cake, and does not show her how divorce looks. Divorce does bring a family together, it tears them apart.
It is not your job to take care of the things that cause her frustration. Don't be her free handyman around the house, and don't be an easy babysitter at the last minute. If she needs a sitter, she should call well in advance, otherwise, you have plans.
So, what are you doing in your spare time without the kids? What do you do for inspiration?
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It also made me realize that no matter what.. even if my relationship with my W does fully end I will be OK. A lot of my self talk has been that I don't want to end up alone. I now realize that is just a lot of fear talking. I will only end up where I choose to end up. I make the choices and am responsible for myself.
Be your own best friend when you self talk.......or in anything else. Don't speak in negatives. Talk positively like you would encourage you buddy. Do you like listening to motivational tapes? Maybe research for tapes, book, etc., for self-affirmation
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After leaving my W apartment I went home and did fall into a little bit of a depression.. It was strange being alone in my house.
Preplan around those times you feel are the loneliest. For example, when the kids first leave or you are walking into an empty house. For some people it's when they first get up in the mornings. Break routine, play music that gets you pumping, whatever works. Have something waiting that is fun, a game, movie, something to cook or eat, someone to call, a great book to read......just something to break the feeling of being lonely.
You are going to make it through to the other side. You will be a better man, when this is over, and you will like who you've become.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
