There are people who will not let go of things in the past. There are some who will not forgive b/c of different reasons. IMHO, some people allow their resentment and pain to turn into a bitterness that blocks their ability to have a healthy relationship and prevent any peace in themselves. However, I am the one who betrayed my H...........so, my previous statements may not carry much weight.
If your W is keeping her unforgivness alive by nourishing it..........then the outlook could be discouraging. Forgiveness is not making what you did okay. It means she will stop feeding her anger, pain, bitterness, etc., related to the betrayal. She has to be willing to emotionally heal. If she refuses, then from the sound of things.......I think she intends to make you pay for the betrayal for the rest of your marriage.
I don't mean to diminish what you've done.......more than once, I might add. The way I see it, when you are remorseful, and you've taken responsibility for what you've done, and asked for her forgiveness with the promise it will not be repeated, and you have tried to be as loving as you know how.......what more can a fellow do? You can't make up for it. If she won't allow it. If you have worked for years to earn her trust, and you do whatever you can to show she has no worries........and she continues to points to the past offenses.........IDK. Maybe the LBS's can tell you.
I have a lot of questions. What do you do when she starts bringing up all that stuff again? What do you do when she's punishing you b/c of the past? What is your attitude and response? Have you forgiven yourself? Did you get counseling for yourself? Do you act like a victim when you are with her? Do you accept blame for things that are not your fault......b/c of the affairs?Have you been transparent in your activities, to show her no secret stuff is going on?
Have you suggested physical separation instead of a divorce......at least for a while? I think at this point, you may need to step back and not discuss the MR, the future, the past. You need to give her a ton of space. You may be anxious to secure the M, but the ball is pretty much in her park ATM. Even if you are willing to live with her unforgivness, she may not be willing to live with you.
I recommend you call the divorce busting number and set up counseling appointments for yourself. In the meantime, continue posting.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
