Still lost, still confused (part 2)

[j20a00g]

I can see where it looks like shifting but, the kids get upset when they "have" to go to her house for the night. They are ok for a few hours but only because she enticed them with new kittens. I know I can't control how things are at her house but, I should get some say in the exposure that they have.

[j20a00g]

It's as if things seem to calm a bit something is always thrown in to shake it up. I read somewhere that narcissists can't stand calm and have to have drama. Kinda makes sense

[MoveFrwd]

My kids were skyping me as it was happening. They called to tell me that they didn't want to be there. I told them to ask their mom if they could come Ronny house since she wasn't answering when I called. They said her door was locked and that they were also told that if they left their room before morning or even opened that they would be punished. That's when she barged in naked as she heard them talking to me.

So your kids were in bed, then? Ive told mine plenty of times that if they leave the room, they are going to get punished. It often times has nothing to do with being intimate, but more about them not going to bed.

Honestly, in my opinion, I think youre sticking your nose where it doesnt belong. Unfortunately, you only have 50% custody right now, and while you may take notes and add this to your file, I think suggesting they come to your house is out of bounds. I think it sets a bad precedent of you trying to "steal" some of W's time. Whats the limit when they can call you and say they want you to pick them up? You say you want your W and kids to have a good relationship, then I dont think giving them an out any time they arent having a good time is going to help with that.

I may be totally off base here, but I do have kids close to your kids ages. I dont really lock my door, but there are times when I am in my room with a closed door when they may be awake somewhere else in the house. I dont think theres a safety issue. It doesnt sound like neglect. It sounds like an issue that your W and your kids should be dealing with without you in the middle of it.

That said, I dont think what she is doing is RIGHT. I dont think its GOOD parenting. And I hate that your kids are going through this. That said, Id be pissed if my ex was calling me on my days at night to try to come pick up my kids.

[j20a00g]

Lots of discussion tonight about custody and such. I'm just so worn down. I'm almost looking forward to D as a invisible closure. What am I even fighting for? Realistically I am to the point where when I sit back and look at the last year I wonder why I didn't cut 11 months ago. At least I can know that I tried.

[fightin]

Hey j2, I admire that you've been DBing for so long, I can't say if I could even begin to endure that long. I know you've already heard it, but only you can decide when you're done. Wish I had something more to say, but I don't. I'm routing for you whatever you decide! Much love!

[j20a00g]

Yea. I think I'm there. Seeing actual papers makes it so real. It's just so crazy that she had the nerve to say: "I'll never say that anything is off the table in the future. But this is happening now"

Wtf?!

[ForGump]

What am I even fighting for?

j20, I don't mean to be flippant, casual or condescending about it, so I hope it doesn't come off that way. I'd like to answer this because it's something I've pondered for a long time. I suppose we all have.

First, you're fighting for your children's well-being. I think we both know that.

Second, you're fighting for your own soul, your own voice, your own wisdom, your own dignity and honor, in this soul-crushing experience. Some people here call it divorce-busting, but I think in reality most people don't bust their divorces. So the name is a little misleading. It's really tough to know what the right thing to do is -- even with the help of this forum -- because things are so complicated, and our friends in the forum simply can't know all the particulars of what each of us is going through. You have to ultimately find the wisdom for your situation yourself. If you're lucky, you might have the help of a good therapist -- but even a good therapist can't know everything, since it's filtered through your conversations.

Anyway, allow me to rephrase: you fought for a year to be the great husband that you want to be.

Is the fight over? Is your journey finished? Maybe it is. But something tells me it isn't quite over. I sense there is more you can do for yourself. Not for your wife, but for yourself. Am I wrong?

[MoveFrwd]

I'm almost looking forward to D as a invisible closure.

What am I even fighting for?

Realistically I am to the point where when I sit back and look at the last year I wonder why I didn't cut 11 months ago.

At least I can know that I tried.

I kind of asked you earlier in your thread but you didnt reply to it.

You say you are ready to 'cut', but what does that even mean? How do you think your life will be different if you were divorced right now? Would she treat your kids differently? Would you feel differently about her or OM?

[j20a00g]

For me, I have since day 1 said that to me (my feelings and thoughts) that once divorce happens it's over forever. I know many on here still work on themselves in hopes that they will have a new, better relationship with their former spouse but I am not one of them.

How does it look different? Once divorced, she will be the woman I impregnated twice. That's it. Nothing else. Not a friend. Not an acquaintance. Nothing but the woman who happens to be linked by kids. I get the whole "mother of my children" part. That's why I have been so respectful and flexible and patient. But if I am not treated with respect as "father of her children" then she will not get respect from me.

4 therapists were in shock on what I've dealt with and each but the last 1 suggested I run....fast! I didn't. But at some point, you stop allowing someone to disrespect you and your boundaries.

So what will be different after divorce? Everything. No friend. No coldness from me but complete and utter disinterest. The legal documents will say what can and cannot happen and those would be followed to a T. Legally binding and agreed by both.

[j20a00g]

What am I even fighting for?

j20, I don't mean to be flippant, casual or condescending about it, so I hope it doesn't come off that way. I'd like to answer this because it's something I've pondered for a long time. I suppose we all have.

First, you're fighting for your children's well-being. I think we both know that.

Second, you're fighting for your own soul, your own voice, your own wisdom, your own dignity and honor, in this soul-crushing experience. Some people here call it divorce-busting, but I think in reality most people don't bust their divorces. So the name is a little misleading. It's really tough to know what the right thing to do is -- even with the help of this forum -- because things are so complicated, and our friends in the forum simply can't know all the particulars of what each of us is going through. You have to ultimately find the wisdom for your situation yourself. If you're lucky, you might have the help of a good therapist -- but even a good therapist can't know everything, since it's filtered through your conversations.

Anyway, allow me to rephrase: you fought for a year to be the great husband that you want to be.

Is the fight over? Is your journey finished? Maybe it is. But something tells me it isn't quite over. I sense there is more you can do for yourself. Not for your wife, but for yourself. Am I wrong?

Fought for a year to be a great husband/father/man but it doesn't appear to have been enough....for her. You would think after a year of hearing that you aren't good enough it would become easier to hear but it really hasn't. Crazy how my mind tells me "dude, why the heck are you putting up with this crap?! Find someone that is just as crazy for you as you are of them" but my heart says "keep going! Never say never"

On that note, during the discussion of custody and such she said "I'm not saying anything is off the table forever but this (divorce) ) has to happen now".....I thought that was a peculiar thing to say so I asked for clarification and she said "oh no, we are over forever, 100% no doubt and guaranteed"

Lol how is it that I haven't picked up drinking during this?!