totite - once again, thanks for the visit - yeah, the mayor of daytona beach, it was a HOOT - one day i will write the story - daytona is my DREAM living place
totallyshocked - i really enjoyed the interaction with you last night, glad you found something i said helpful - i will check on your sitch after i am done in piecing
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JOURNALING
in talking to a few db'rs over the last couple of evenings i have discovered something about myself that is quite interesting
the db'rs i have spoken to have been both newbies (sorry for your pain) and oldtimers - and in the interaction with both sets, i have finally realized that i am truly DETACHED
it took me a long while, but i am so there. my time line:
bomb - may 2003 found db - june 2003 joined this board - july 2003 THOUGHT i was db'n - july 2003 - oct 2003 really started db'n - october 2003 THOUGHT i was detaching - october 2003 REALLY STARTED detaching - feb 2004 completely detached - march 2004
funny how march marks the 10 month anniversary of the bomb, and while i was still in california during that time, what i noticed after the anniversary date is that i didn't even realize it had come and went. i had dropped the rope (now what is it they say about a month for every year? - i think it works both ways - i think us LBS get better at that point too)
so i sit here communicating with different people trying to offer some paltry advice i might have and i find that i really cannot explain what it feels like to be TRULY detached. i FEEL it, but i dont know how i got here, but i know i am here. i cannot tell you HOW to do this - it's just one of those things you KNOW
i wont bother even trying to explain it here in my journal. i know the feeling and i love it - but i could never tell any of you what you need to do to get here. except that all the maps are on this website.
ok, i will try to explain it...
do you all remember the movie 'the miracle worker'? - there is a scene in it when helen keller finally GETS what the teacher is trying to tell her - and then she runs around frantically everywhere wanting to know what everything is, and the teacher spells it in her hand, she spells it back - it showed everyone that it CLICKED in her brain that there was a word for everything in her world and she then just KNEW she was gonna be alright
that is what it feels like to be truly detached, from your sitch and your relationship. you finally just GET it - call it an epiphany, call it what you want, but the feeling is the same.
there is no longer ACHE - there is no longer day long thinking about how you can better your sitch - there is no longer FOCUS on your mate and the r - there is focus on YOU and how you can continue to get better and better
what does this say about my marriage?
i very much love my husband, not the husband that is NOW but the one i fell in love with
i still love things about my husband that is NOW such as his genuine fathering ability and his industriousness. i love the way he can still make me laugh, and i cherish all of his "acts of service" that he does for me. i love that he cherishes "quality" time with me
he hasn't GOTTEN it yet, that i can finally see. and nothing i do or say will make that realization happen any sooner or even come at all
but i am content with the fact that he is home. he is providing for his family - and that he has some pretty awesome goals for the future which include his family
but i am FAR removed from his JOURNEY - this is SOLO for him, he will no longer drag me into his world that he is trying to muddle thru on his own. i am in my own world, loving life, loving friends, loving me
