Wife has filed for divorce

[ngs]

ngs, besides the past cheating, have you been otherwise untrustworthy? Your infidelity created the loss of trust but your other actions since then may have also reinforced it to get your M to this point. It could be other big things or a bunch of little things that kept your W from regaining any trust in you.

No there has been no other untrustworthiness, but my wife has just never trusted nor forgiven me since then. The other issues we have had since then is just struggle with finances being a single income family and my being stressed all of the time about finances which just added to our relationship issues.

[ngs]

We have 3 boys ages 15, 13, 11. Our issues started when my wife was pregnant with our first son.

So help me understand, how did she possibly get pregnant with sons #2 and #3?
Have you been faithful ever since this first transgression?

Now 14 years later she does not forgive you?

Do I have the story right?

She stayed with me after the first transgression. However we never resolved our issues with the counseling we were doing and she never forgave me.

I had an EA a few years after our 3rd son was born which became a PA on 2 occasions before she found phone calls and questioned me about them. I ended it at that point. I have been faithful since then. She told me if anything ever happened again that we were done, but we never talked about it or resolved the situation. We have never been able to work through our issues, she has never forgiven me and I've never been able to build trust with her.

[ngs]

I made the mistake of having a discussion about the future last night. Not the future of our marriage but about our kids. This was after she informed me she was not coming to my parents Thanksgiving this weekend and I was not invited to her parents Thanksgiving, separate days, the kids will be at both.

Tried talking about how we need to be able to get along at least for the kids currently and so we can still work together raising them through High School and then supporting them through College. We may need to seek counseling to be able to do this, not counseling for marriage.

Her response was, what do you think I've been doing for the last 15 years is preparing our kids for the future. Now you're trying to make me feel guilty for the choices I'm currently making. It only makes me more angry when you say things like that. I'm only staying in this house because I have no where else to go.

My intentions in what I was saying was concern for my kids, not to make her feel guilty. We both want the best for our kids, my wife is a great mother and always has been, but we can't even discuss anything about the kids right now.

I guess I am best to not bring anything up about our relationship, the kids, ect. at this point and just let the divorce proceedings play out, we are a month in from her filing for divorce and have a pre-trial conference with the judge 01-10-17.

But avoiding/not talking to each other is just more of the same based on our past.

[Cadet]

I guess I am best to not bring anything up about our relationship, the kids, ect. at this point and just let the divorce proceedings play out, we are a month in from her filing for divorce and have a pre-trial conference with the judge 01-10-17.

YUP - that is what no relationship talks means.

DB'ing is counter intuitive, that means to do the opposite of what your common sense is telling you to do.

Let Go

[ngs]

Let Go

Yes, I think I have let go and then when I initiate a conversation I realize I haven't. Being in the same house everyday is hard, but truly letting go is all I have at this point anyway.

Thanks for the reminder Cadet

[sandi2]

There are people who will not let go of things in the past. There are some who will not forgive b/c of different reasons. IMHO, some people allow their resentment and pain to turn into a bitterness that blocks their ability to have a healthy relationship and prevent any peace in themselves. However, I am the one who betrayed my H...........so, my previous statements may not carry much weight.

If your W is keeping her unforgivness alive by nourishing it..........then the outlook could be discouraging. Forgiveness is not making what you did okay. It means she will stop feeding her anger, pain, bitterness, etc., related to the betrayal. She has to be willing to emotionally heal. If she refuses, then from the sound of things.......I think she intends to make you pay for the betrayal for the rest of your marriage.

I don't mean to diminish what you've done.......more than once, I might add. The way I see it, when you are remorseful, and you've taken responsibility for what you've done, and asked for her forgiveness with the promise it will not be repeated, and you have tried to be as loving as you know how.......what more can a fellow do? You can't make up for it. If she won't allow it. If you have worked for years to earn her trust, and you do whatever you can to show she has no worries........and she continues to points to the past offenses.........IDK. Maybe the LBS's can tell you.

I have a lot of questions. What do you do when she starts bringing up all that stuff again? What do you do when she's punishing you b/c of the past? What is your attitude and response? Have you forgiven yourself? Did you get counseling for yourself? Do you act like a victim when you are with her? Do you accept blame for things that are not your fault......b/c of the affairs?Have you been transparent in your activities, to show her no secret stuff is going on?

Have you suggested physical separation instead of a divorce......at least for a while? I think at this point, you may need to step back and not discuss the MR, the future, the past. You need to give her a ton of space. You may be anxious to secure the M, but the ball is pretty much in her park ATM. Even if you are willing to live with her unforgivness, she may not be willing to live with you.

I recommend you call the divorce busting number and set up counseling appointments for yourself. In the meantime, continue posting.

[G_Main]

I'm a LBS of a serial cheater. My husband had an EA for the first time four months after our son was born. It went on for a while and when I finally caught him, he was very apologetic and scared for our marriage. Turns out the OW didn't even know he was married or had a baby. Nice.

That devastated me right after the birth of our son. It felt like it took all the joy out of having a new baby. I was depressed, felt awful about myself and about my marriage. My body was all messed up from gaining weight, stretching out and being so tired. I felt so terrible, like my husband didn't want me anymore because of how I looked. It felt like he didn't want our son. Couple that with raging post baby hormones and I was a wreck. I never got over it and checked his phone regularly. About a year later, he started talking to some girl (19) who was a student of his. He got really defensive and claimed it wasn't a big deal and that there was nothing there. Two months ago he told me he wanted a divorce, and three weeks ago I found out that hes been sleeping with her.

It made me physically ill to think about. I lost 30lbs in a month and a half because I couldn't eat or sleep. Some days, I don't even know why the f--k I'm here fighting for him. I dont know how I'd get over the betrayal if he did come back. My fantasies about it usually include him groveling and crying and professing what an awful mistake he made, but if it actually happened, I dont know if I could believe him.

His two affairs happened over the course of two years and there was about a year and some change in between. My unforgiveness and lack of trust was so deep rooted after the first time that it just became a part of how i felt about him. After that many years of deep rooted anger, its going to take a long time to change it. She's had years to seethe and grow in resentment. Changing her perspective of you is not going to happen quickly.

She fell in love with you once though and you may have changed over the years, but somewhere in there is the person she loves and misses.

[ngs]

I have a lot of questions. What do you do when she starts bringing up all that stuff again? What do you do when she's punishing you b/c of the past? What is your attitude and response? Have you forgiven yourself? Did you get counseling for yourself? Do you act like a victim when you are with her? Do you accept blame for things that are not your fault......b/c of the affairs?Have you been transparent in your activities, to show her no secret stuff is going on?

Have you suggested physical separation instead of a divorce......at least for a while?

Thank you for the response. So to answer your questions, bringing stuff up doesn't happen often as it was so long ago but when it happens I primarily listen and acknowledge the pain I've caused her, she tells me I don't understand and I will agree I don't understand the pain she has/is going through. It mostly comes up now as her way of validating the divorce because nothing will ever change and the only way to get herself healthy is divorce.

Her way of punishment is just being angry all the time, ignoring me the best she can or snide comments if we are talking just in general and I always am calm and positive, it wasn't that way 4 years ago but I've done a lot of work on myself the last 4 years to get to where I am.

Yes I've forgiven myself, it took a lot of years, anger/resentment towards myself, self-loathing which only made our relationship worse over that time.

I have been in counseling and currently have been for 6 months and have no plans of stopping because my current counselor has been an enormous help.

No I don't act like a victim, although some statements I have made such as "Can't we at least just get along for the kids?" may have come across that way and she accuses me that being self-centered only to make me feel better, so I've stopped saying things like that.

Accepting blame is probably right on because I accept the blame for everything with where our relationship is, how emotionally torn up she is and even though she filed for divorce, I blame myself and for the family splitting up, which she basically told me is my fault.

I'm transparent I don't hide anything, email, phone, I've always told her where I'm going or what I'm doing or who I'm with, although since the affairs I really haven't done much apart from her anyway.

I have mentioned legal/trial separation but she essentially said she needs the divorce for herself to heal, and doesn't want to keeping putting on "the show" by only separating.

I am going to give her all the space I can, tough living in the same house, but I left for the weekend last week to give her a break from me. Pre-trial conference is 1-10-17, so its coming fast. I'm just going to completely detach while in the same house because any interaction with us at this point is just detrimental, except we still have to interact because of our kids.

Thanks again for the response, I really appreciate it.

[ngs]

I'm am really sorry for what you are going through, and especially appreciate your reply because what you have described in your response is almost identical of what I put my wife through, the only difference is it has been 10 years of not getting our marriage back on track to where we are now.

Your perspective helps me also understand what my wife has dealt with physically and emotionally and she has told me some of the same things you describe.

She fell in love with you once though and you may have changed over the years, but somewhere in there is the person she loves and misses.

Your last line is basically the small hope I have that in the end maybe we can work things out, I've even gone as far in thinking that there may always be a chance even after divorce, but that is not up to me.

Thank you for your reply and take care of yourself G_Main.

[ngs]

Last night after my sons and I got home from their floor hockey game that I coach and my wife got home from an activity that she had went to, she asks the kids how hockey went. So we all had a conversation for around 15 minutes about that. It was an interesting game and issues with parents so there was a bit to talk about.

Later as we were all setting in the living room watching tv or on various electronic devices my wife strikes up a conversation with me about what is going on with the North Dakota Pipeline protest asking if I had read much about it which I hadn't. She spends the next 30 minutes talking with me about it and showing me videos online.

So this is something that does not happen anymore, hasn't for a long time, we discuss nothing unless it has to do with kids or she brings up something about the divorce.

I'm not reading anything into it at all, other than she sometimes gets tired of not having an actual conversation in the house with someone else besides the kids, once in a great while she will talk to me about something unrelated to our relationship or the kids but it is very rare.

Anyone else have any thoughts?

It is nice when the tension is relieved some what and we can talk about something in general for a while, I don't bring anything up anymore but if she does I will engage in a conversation with her.

This will be our first holiday dinners apart, I was told I can take my sons to my parents Thanksgiving on Thursday and she will take them to her parents on Friday and I am not invited.