New to the Boards. Marriage in Crisis.

[sandi2]

3. She is genuinely unhappy. Not just with me, but with life. And although she is a great mom, this unhappiness includes our kids. She feels like she's being held back. She's bored. She has aspirations for starting a new business but knows that there's just no time in our lives right now. So she often reverts to "auto pilot" to get through the day. (btw, she must be REALLY good at this auto pilot thing because I could list at least 10 times in the past week when she seemed genuinely happy in my presence and in the presence of our kids.)

Do you see the selfishness? A WW thinks only of herself. Having kids held her back? Too bad, b/c there is no return department when you bring new lives into the world. However, her mindset is so twisted that she doesn't even know what would make her happy! All she currently sees is that you and the kids aren't doing it for her, and she is all about finding what/who makes her feel good.

Your W is in rebellion. This is probably the most hurtful stage for the family of a WW, b/c of her hostility and bitter attitude. She will lash out at her H more than anyone else, directly or indirectly. There is little you can do about what she chooses, but you also have choices. Counseling requires talking about the MR, and a WW is going to blast away the H/M in the sessions. The more anyone tries to persuade her to work on the MR, the more she will resist. My stand on MC is that it won't work while she has a wayward heart. You are too vulnerable and needy to be revealing anything in a couple's session. You have to stop chasing her! That is the first step.

My suggestion to you is to stop trying to persuade her. Instead of "showing" her how much you want to work to save the M, step back and release that emotional rope you have tied to her. H's have fear of letting go, and yet, I would say this action is probably the most effective with a WW. Your ideas of what it will take for her to stay in the M........does not work. You have to apply the information you learn here. So, do youself a favor and turn lose. (btw, do not tell her what you are doing).

A H may think, "But won't that just push her farther away"? I really don't think it does. Outwardly, he may see her actions and think he pushed her, but the thing that really pushes a WW away is for him to hold her tightly. The mindset of a WW is so twisted from what is logical, and I think that is what H's have trouble getting past. The steps he sees as the logical way to save his M does nothing but push her away.

Of course she would tell the MC that she feels you are roommates. She has lost respect for the H who won 't stand up to her, tolerates disrespect from her, acts like her servant, and uses passive behavior. That type of behavior killed her attraction. Knowing this..........can you guess what it will take to get the attraction back?

4. She recognizes that she tends to take an "all or nothing" approach to everything. And if she wants to find happiness in her current situation, she has to figure out how to find a happy medium between extremes that she can live with.

That is her job, not yours. You don't control her. What you do is protect your own feelings from her selfish and disrespectful decisions of finding her happiness. You do control what goes on in your home and in front of you.