MLC H at age 32, maybe single mum with a toddler S

[Maybe]

Am not doing too well for the past few days. Had a feeling that H may not be coming over tonight, so took the initiative to make plans with my S, and called him to pretend we got an invite for an outing. He said, so you don't want me to come over? I said, no, I would love you to see S, but if it's just me and him at home tonight, then we would love to go out. He said, then go do that then. All in all, I am glad I don't wait for him to come anymore, and I didn't give him a chance for blaming me for not seeing S.

I was wondering why I am having a hard time to stay positive. Now I realised it's been exactly 3 months since he moved out. I have officially moved out of crisis mode and enter limbo land. I am also settling into my new job, I need something else to keep me going. I found an pole dancing class that is close to me. I was looking for salsa dancing, but this is better location and fits better into my schedule with a toddler. I think I should go for it. I have always been curious anyway. Better not wait till my son is 18 to start pool dancing I figure...

Still struggle to find support as I don't have family and close friends where I live. Sometimes I just want to vent. I find myself keeping falling back into the "fear" trap, and keep thinking about what he's doing, thinking. I know I need to focus on me, but the brain is not talking to the heart. I was laying on the bed waiting for my S to fall asleep, outside a car drove pass and the light went across the bedroom ceiling. I used to like that because on the odd nights he was not home, that could be his car. I know it is not him, and will not be for a long time. I cried silently trying not to wait my son. Maybe this is a good sign as I am finally starting to mourn my loss?

How do I convince my heart that I will be okay, and my son will be okay? Acting as if it's very very tiring...