Phase 2 contd (2)

[Pax_luv]

Hope everyone had a great weekend! I can not believe its thanksgiving this week! Ill be approaching my second holiday season without a spouse and im starting to get those holiday "triggers." This is on top of the audacious divorce triggers. Thank god for bootcamp and this board. It's the perfect distraction.

Just journaling 3 things on my mind-

1) I recently got reacquainted with an old friend. Many years ago we had a really stupid falling out. We were roommates and she would rather go out and party than pay rent which put me in a huge bind. We fought, she moved out, and I had to get the back-rent from her mom. We haven't spoken since. She was 21 and I was 19.

Prior to this, we were great friends and had a lot of the same values (minus the excessive partying). Well, here we are 14 years later and it's all water under the bridge now. The point of this is, time really does heal all wounds. I hadn't thought of her in years and years and now it's like no time has passed at all. We're reconnecting and it's fun. We had so manybgood memories and I barely remember the few bad ones... And the bad ones aren't even relevant in my life today.

Do you think the same thing happens with our ex- spouses? In time, if we don't intentionally create bad memories, do you think they'll think of us lbs's fondly? I wonder if my ex will wake up 10 years down the line and say, wow, I threw away my wife and marriage over something so stupid! (ignore the mind reading.... It's kind of a rhetorical question)

2) stbx's young boy- toy friend had posted something on facebook and a former mutual friend had commented on it and I was able to see it. I guess I was being nosy, but normally I would completely ignore this (in fact, I'm very close to eliminating this mutual friend because she's not a friend at all). It was a cheesy little essay about girls that stbx's friend wrote. It was not good. I had to cringe thinking how h has the patience for this kid. H is an elitist (so am I with all this judgment!) and even our former therapist said, "oh, no matter what, Mr. Feyth will always be the smartest person in the room." I wonder if it's an ego thing or if h really has common ground with this kid due to his current mental age. Again, kind of a rhetorical question. Doesn't concern me... Just boggles the mind.

3) I have a friend who has been contemplating becoming a waw over the last year. Her h had been unfaithful to her and she now was ready to walk. Her h quickly shaped up, was remorseful, etc. Over the last 4 months, She did the work to look deep within, she got her own life, found her voice and now her and her h have a relationship that is better than ever. They continue to work together, respect eachother, and respect their commitment. They both decided that marriage is really f'ing hard, but their spouses were worth it.

I think it's a beautiful story. As we all know, walking away without trying is the easy way out. I am so happy for them and where they've gone on their journey, but I'm also jealous. Why wasn't I worth it? I thought h was worth it so I went to therapy, got a DB coach, read everything I could get my eyeballs on. Don't get me wrong, I think he's a giant %*€~face, and I want to be as far from him as possible right now.... But why wasn't I worth it? Why wasn't I even a little worth it? He's never once demonstrated the slightest hesitation in his decision to exit the marriage. I know with certainty I was not a horrible wife... That was never his complaint. His chief complaints really revolve around him not getting his way like a pissy 2 year old. Blehh.

Enough about him.... Just my thoughts/ feelings. Wishing everyone a lovely week.


Have a good one!