Wife had affair now moved out

[sandi2]

The part that is eating me alive is when I watch my normally outgoing D become shy and scared to be left alone even for an instant. I can't help but feel like I failed my daughter. When she is with me I out on a happy face for her and we fill out time together but I can't help but feel sad. It was always a family together, it's supposed to be that for her. I never wanted any of this.

She is only six, so it will probably bother you more to move than it will your daughter. My family moved a lot when I was in elementary school. Moving to another house was not an issue for me. Your little girl will take her cues from you.

I've begun to question myself over the last couple days, why am I fighting so much for someone who put us in this place and is not fighting for us

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As the days pass, you will be able to think more clearly without the fearful emotions running in high gear. I hope you read that post I sent about DBing detaching. I have a question for you. How much time do you spend hanging out with other guys?

She left because she needs to find herself and I'm left to pick myself up. We'll that is becoming easier when I don't focus on her. I don't know if that is detaching but whatever it is, it's working.

I would say not focusing on her 24/7 is a good beginning. Now maybe try some other detaching steps.

Btw, your W did not leave to find herself. That was a lie she fed you. She is speaking from the WW script. You will have better days, and then there may be things that will be difficult to endure. This is the time for you to become knowledgable and store up strength, b/c you will use it to carry you through this terrible ordeal.

All that pursuing stuff you said to her in the phone call kind of sets you back, but just be determined that you will do better today. Take it a day at a time. But since we are on the subject of pursuit...........no, you don't say those things to her. You can say those things here on the board, or say it in the wind, but do NOT say it to a WW! And........don't ask her out on a date when she is having an affair. Don't consider dating until you see a change of behavior and attitude in her. But she probably has a long way to go before that happens. There will be a lot of internal work she has to do in order to have a successful reconciliation.

I find myself wishing I knew that my M was done for good. Wishing that she wasn't acting like a coward, don't run away from your problems, instead either commit that we are both hurt so it's time to work on it or there is no going back and it's time for us to move on. I'd rather be weak than a coward.

I am going to bluntly tell you that she is not acting like a coward, nor is she running away instead of working on the M like you are looking at it. It's like she's in a time zone ahead of you. She is way past that stuff ^^^^^ at this point. You are just waking up and now are willing to work on things, but she is done with the M and has sights on a different life......and another man. She is in open rebellion of you and the M. The more you profess your love and ask her if she still loves you, etc., the less she is attracted to you. That may blow your mind, but it is the wayward mindset she has at this point. She does not want to hear you pleading with her and putting all that emotional pressure on her. It kills any chance of her having loving feelings for you........and if she says "yes" to any of your pressure, it is simply to keep you available for her to use. I hope you will think of this the next time you feel you just have to tell her again.

I have read newcomer H's who want to know the outcome without doing the hard work. Well, life just doesn't work that way. You seem to think if you had a means of knowing she would never go back to you that you could detach and GAL. There have been some LBH'S who were divorced and still wasn't able to detach.........and they realized they had no life apart from the M and wouldn't get off their backsides to just try it. My guess is that you have been so dependent on the MR, that you really don't know how to GAL apart from your W. I think my first post to you was answering a question you had about GAL. You never said squat, so IDK if you even read it. That's fine, but I want you to realize you have to help yourself in the steps of improving. The two things successful DBers have said that changed their life for the better was 1) detaching, and 2) GAL. So, there really is something behind it and we are not just blowing in the wind.

Your emotions are leading you and making you think you'll never be able to be a strong, confident man without your W by your side. Other men have said the same things you are saying. They pushed up their sleeves and got serious about doing the personal and necessary work on themselves.........and became strong. Their confidence excelled. They became emotionally stable, and even realized they did not need the W in order to be happy. There is a difference in wanting and needing. Happiness is your choice and your responsibility.