So I have been getting on with my life, we live under the same roof, sleep in the same bed, kiss each other good morning, kiss and hug when we go to work and again when we get home, the other night when we said good night out hands met and she grabbed my hand and held it for about ten minutes. When we sleep if we bed she does not Pull away.
These are the type of actions any normal marriage couple would have, right? Yet, you know your W is threatening to leave and possibly be in an affair. As crazy as it may seem, there have been many reports about WW's who do the same outward motions, but it's another picture inside her heart. Sadly, after the bomb drop, some H's see these motions as progress. However, nothing has changed.
In most cases when there is a wayward wife, things will get worse before real progress takes place. The reason being is b/c her disrespect and resentment toward you has deteriorated her loving feelings for her H. She may have been going through the motions for a long time, but the attraction/desire has been absent a long time.
You can't find the answer to this issue under 10 Ways to have a Better Marriage, or whatever bubblegum advice you see in magazine articles, or even in some of the books out there about marriage. The subject of wayward wives is not as popular, and a lot of H's had rather be in denial......or believe his W is having a MLC.....or anything other than being wayward. I think waywardness can change faster than a MLC. That doesn't mean it happens in every case, but I think it could if the H would take the action necessary to gain respect from his WW. The way women are emotionally/mentally designed, she has to respect her H as a man, before she can desire him. If she doesn't have respect for him, she won't have the loving feelings for him. IMHO, having her respect needs to be at the top of your working on the marriage list.
Your M can be saved! One requirement is to have your b@lls firmly attached, b/c she is going to play every card in the WW deck to manipulate you. She is not the girl you married (at least, I hope she's not). I talk about tough love, b/c it takes love and and toughness when dealing with a wayward wife. Being passive, trying to connect with her, and using a soft approach is not going to change her resentment and disrespect. She has to see a strong, confident man who is not afraid to set boundaries. Women prefer, and need, for the H to be stronger than she is. If he is weak, she'll tear him apart.
When she is convinced you will not pursue her and that she can't manipulate you.......and when she is convinced that you will no longer tolerate her disrespectful attitude/speech/behavior.........then she will begin to respect you as a man. But she has to have proof, and she will test you to see. I believe it is when she gets concerned that you no longer are emotionally attached to her & the marriage, that causes her to reconsider her actions. If she thinks she could actually be losing you........she will more likely realize she still has love for you. How much do you think your W is concerned she could lose you? No, this is not for a typical, healthy marriage relationship........but you that is not what you have. Waywards do not have the mindset of a rational, healthy W. Your M is not normal. She has the mindset of a rebellous teenager.......only worse. To continue interacting as though she didn't drop a bomb on the M, doesn't work with WW's. The WW wants you to be her friend, cuddle with her, comfort her and tell her to have fun as she goes out the door to meet OM. This is what she wants.........but it is not what gets successful results.
Now I am not telling you to run out and file for a divorce. In fact, don't jump into anything until you check it out here, b/c you are too fragile and are wanting a magic action that will fix all of this stuff. You will need to read a lot and gain DBing information.
Good for you for making the decision to work on yourself. Do you have any particular goals in mind?
You will get a lot of encouragement to get a life (GAL). That means you get away from her and the house and go do whatever you enjoy doing. It has positive results!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
