Blu, after some thought, I can see why you say what you say. And I agree, this is the perfect opportunity to do my 180. Lets see, I will not ask those questions. Depending on my W’s answer to “what are you hoping to gain from counseling” I will ask or might not need to ask about OW. I will not attend counseling while she’s still “seeing” “dating” or “sleeping” with OW. That I will not tolerate.
So that’s the plan for now, just chat about what she hopes or wants out of counseling. I will listen and validate to the best of my ability. W did leave out Marriage counseling, so maybe she doesn’t want marriage counseling. I guess I will find out tomorrow.
I don't even think you should ask her anything. No questions. Have zero expectations. See this only as more info you are gathering.
-Listen only -Validate when necessary -Thank her for opening up -You end conversation -Only If she tries to engage you in conversation or ask you questions, then (and only then) you can tell her you have a lot to think about now. Thank her again for opening up. End convo. Go as you were.
This has so many benefits. 1. You are showing her your patience and 180s. 2. You will not appear needy or eager. 3. You can actually take the time to think/process what she tells you. 4. You regain some power in this relationship. 5. You value yourself more than just to let her her jump back into your life the moments she decides. You are worth more than that.
Does this make more sense?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
Cheesy, I like the idea that if she says she wants counseling with you, you just listen and validate like Blu says. But if she comes right out and asks if you're willing to go, don't ASK her if ow is still in the picture, say "As long as ow is in your life, I am most definitely NOT interested in counseling or any friendship at all." Or something like that. I like the idea that she does most of the talking, and you stay kind of detached -- be a person who knows exactly what she wants, and has already decided, pretty much regardless of what W has to say or wants. Be strong, kind, sure of yourself. Because you're all of those things!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Well the ww strikes again. W texted to say D was sick. I offered for W to bring D over while she drove in my town (drunk college kids) for luber. W replied she didn't want to confuse D....ummm ok Cus w only had D meet 2+ people In 3 'months...but all of a sudden W is concerned about sending mixed signals to d?! BS! Then 30 mins later got a text from w to check my email. "I'm just not sure where I'm at right now. I'm still seeing the person I'm with, and I'm having issues deciding where it is I want to be. I feel like going to counseling would/could be good for you and I, but I'm stuck in this weird place bc I am also in a relationship... please just try to understand that I am struggling with this, and trying to make the best decision for me and D. I need a little more time to think on things before we meet... I'm so sorry to "chicken out" last minute like this, but I just don't feel right about this tonight..I'm so sorry, again. Please forgive me..." to which I replied by text Me- you're right I need time too. W- I'm so sorry... W- please don't hate me.
To all this I felt like replying eff you. It's so easy to tell me not to come back to MY home. Yet it's hard for her to tell SOW bye. Heck no. After re reading this email it's all selfish, I and me and I and more me. I'm not just sitting here waiting around for her. It might seem like that right now because she cried and asked for forgiveness but I was ok on my path. I'm pretty angry. Mainly at myself for letting me think W was going to come over and tell me SOW was out of the picture and that she wanted to work us out.
Also my little brother texted me that w added him on snapchat..I told him to ignore the request (he's only 14 so he listens) but after a beer I started to wonder how she found him when even I couldn't find his user name...just TODAY the prepaid phone arrived in the mail for him with a NEW number. One I texted and called most of the afternoon, w still has access to my phone records. So it dawned on me W had to check my phone records to see his number to add it in her phone to add him on snap to figure out who I'm talking to. It's too much. I don't doubt she's been doing this to all the numbers I've texted. I feel like telling her to leave me alone. She is so concerned about who I'm seeing talking and hanging out with yet she's sleeping with SOW.
Why I'm the world am I doing this? Why am I allowing my W to treat me this way? Is this worth it?
Cheesy, breath! Nothing has changed except the fact that she is starting to doubt the decisions she has made. If you think about it she made a huge life changing decision for all three of you and now she is having doubts and that's a huge thing for her to admit. She might need time to end her relationship with OP you just don't know.
She is asking you for time but that does the mean you stand still for her. Carry on as you were before this small bump in the road. I know it's made you disappointed but she has not closed the door completely.
((Cheesy))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Seems to me you are looking at instant results sometimes
I want this to WORK and work RIGHT the FIRST time back.
No,you have NO control over this. Let go of expectation. Detach from the outcome.
I will certainly ask what her motive for Counseling is, W always asked for counseling, I refused.
Why ask for her motive, if she told you it could be different tomorrow. Until WW has sorted her stuff, defer rather than refuse. Start validating instead,this might be that your WW wants to know you heard.
I feel like If we choose wisely it'll help through her fog, perhaps not.
MC isn't to help one of the parties through fog. It is for two committed parties to work their R. Smacks of judement to me.
We are meeting tomorrow night.
Listen and validate. You have two ears and one mouth in that ratio.
We will discuss her motives for counseling,
No. You both need to be committed to MC. You aren't. I think sensibly so.
I am not jumping into anything. which is why I feel it is necessary to continue to live separately at least until we are both ready.
Yes. I agree you are not ready, you may wish to communicate IC has better value. VALIDATE.
This helps me continue my GAL 180s and set the pace.
Yes. You set the pace? Really?
I see your point of not laying it all out because it may scare her.
Validate
However, 1. I am confident if it does scare her off, then it's not meant to be & I will carry on without her.
Really? That's a heck of a lot of controlling and judgement in my book. Where is the listening, validation and lighthouse? My way or the highway?
2. I need OW and OM out of our lives.
Absolutely.
I refuse to even "date" or do counseling if OW is still in the picture. That's a waste of my time, love, energy!!!
MC is inappropriate in an A sitch in my book. You can't demand but you may choose to set a boundary on it. And lover, compassion and caring is never wasted. It is the higher ground.
Patience will be my biggest struggle.
Yes.
I can do that.
Can you really? Your observations and comments are very dogmatic about your wants.
Ever heard the expression, he who wants never gets?
Detach let go of expectation and outcome. Live your life be prepared to deal with WW with validation.
--------------------------------
Those are my thoughts.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V - thank you. reading how you broke it down was not fun but oh so necessary.
Coly - thank you for the softer approach.
yes W is starting to doubt her decision. My ego i guess is what's feeling bruised. W doubts it but not enough to drop OW. I'm assuming this ties into me not being "good enough" for W. And that's what this brings me to. However, I must remember I am good enough for me and that's what matters. I don't need validation from my W.
NC with the W. I suspect from that email she will continue to ponder her life and decisions. I may be here and I may not when she finally makes a decision.
Had a great gal activity yesterday, my local college team played and won! they played a better team so it was a good win. Went to the bar with a friend, then we ended up at his house playing board games and just having a good night. Today I dog sit for the friend that has cable!!!! yay for ridiculous reality tv & crime shows!
