From what I have observed, I think you will experience up & down days for quite a while. It's like grief......you have to get through it, and everyone is different at how they do it and how long it takes for their emotions to get on an even keel. People grieve in different ways. As long as you are trying to help yourself move forward, I think you should not beat yourself when you have feelings bombard you. You are a human being with emotions and memory. Along with the good there are parts not so good.....but thank God we get to feel and remember.
The year my family faced losing a most beloved and respected family member, I had read that it helps a little to change things around during holidays. Like you, I was dreading Christmas (especially) b/c we had always celebrated Christmas Eve at this family member's home. So, that year I asked the family to meet at my house to have our traditional celebration. Yes, I missed those cherished times of yesteryear. We have to move forward and make new traditions as best that we can.
In the meantime, I hope you will seek sources of inspiration. Don't expect the sources to go to your front door and knock. You have to look for them. I love to listen to a certain type of music. It gets the blood pumping! I also like reading material that encourages me to do better in a particular area of my life, or try something new, etc. I try to stay away from the sad movies, b/c I know it will bring me down. (When I'm already experiencing a personal loss in my life). Whatever good thing that will make you feel more encouraged that day.....then do it. Be good to yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
