I do know you helped her move out. So I assume you are there?
V
Yes, I am in the Marital Home. She moved out for "space" in September. At the time, she was still claiming that she was depressed and needed some time and space to think...hence me helping her move in. It is only now that I realize the real reason she moved out is because she was sick of meeting up with the OM in parking lots (he has/had roommates who work with them).
On Monday (the day after I confirmed the PA), I contacted her and told her she could visit the kids on MWF starting on Wednesday (yesterday) but those visits would need to be supervised for the time being. She agreed. But yesterday she texted and asked if she could leave work early and pick them up so she could have more time with them (I assume the real motive was to avoid me) and I told her no...we need to stick to the schedule.
When she first arrived it was super awkward. Neither of us really said anything and I tried to make myself scarce while she interacted with the kids. Eventually I came downstairs and had a brief conversation with her, trying hard to follow the rules about listening and not giving too many details. After that she loosened up a bit. Almost too much. Starting helping herself to our food. Walking in and out of our MBR and even calling it "Mommy and Daddy's bed" before correcting herself...pretty much acting like she still lived there and cake eating.
While she was getting the kids to sleep, I started working out (sure to wear a tight shirt, ha) and pretty much ignored her when she came downstairs to leave. I could tell she was annoyed. Then, as she was leaving I asked her if I could talk for a sec, then proceeded to tell her that she doesn't live here anymore and needs to respect those boundaries and act like a guest when she comes over. She blew it off at first, but then five minutes after she left she called (I didnt answer). Then she texted that she was "sorry for whatever she did" (I didn't respond). An hour after that I got 4 texts in a row that said 1) Im just sorry in general 2) I really miss my friend 3) And im sorry for everything 4) Im even sorry for this.
This isn't the first time she apologized, and I know that it's likely just manipulation, but I will say this...I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight. I now see what detachment means. I didn't respond. TBH, i didn't even react to those texts (I didn't answer back). I am starting to see that the person I loved is gone and has been replace by a selfish manipulator. I have no desire to chase this person or help this person. But I still care about them from afar, and if she does make changes in her life and wants to come back I would not close myself off to that.
I think I finally get it. As a result, I had the best sleep I have had in months. I was in a good mood this morning. And I am still in a good mood. I dont know where this path leads, but I do know it is alot less painful than the one I was walking on.
You're way ahead of the game my man. Good for you. Stay the course. She might step up her efforts to reel you back in only to squash your heart like a bug again. Don't fall for it. You're where it took some of us years to get to. That's good for your own health. Again, stay the course.
W has texted me more today than she has in a week...
First to tell me she has an interview (I replied later "You must be excited, Congrats")
Later, she asked me about my plans for the weekend...To which I responded "Why do you want to know?" She said she could watch the kids, so I told her I had it covered.
Its funny...A week ago I would have been pumped that she was contacting me. Now that she is, I am almost annoyed. I set a boundary and now she is trying to break it down.
You've probably heard this before, but believe none of what she says and only half of what she does. Keep up the good work in keeping the cake eating to a minimum. It is very important for you to continue to detach, but not be cold.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Well, last night I learned there is a huge difference between the clarity of knowing where you need to be, and actually being there...
Yesterday was my WW birthday, and I was actually feeling pretty good about things all things considered. But then I let the kids send her a text video singing happy birthday. She responded with a thanks. Then a little later she texted me that her mom invited her up on Saturday (I knew that was going to happen) to spend time with her and the kids. She said she had to work and thought it was a bad idea, but wanted to make sure it was ok with me before even considering it. I validated her on having to work and her fears about going (and likely getting lectured) then said it was ok with me and thanked her for asking. I got no response and still haven't. Im not sure why it bothers me...probably because I know she was likely out with OM and her new friends.
I know that needs to not bother me for me to truly move on. Most days it doesn't. I am hoping the holidays dont trigger similar reactions...but I have a feeling they wont because the kids will be with me.
I think just knowing where you need to be is a good step, the getting there just takes time. Keep up the work and stay strong. Keep posting and reading here. I don't know about you, but this place is really helping me through this difficult sitch.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
A lot of things are about knowing when to do certain things, b/c if the timing is not right....nothing will succeed. With a WW, it's all about her resentment & disrespect toward her H. Therefore, he has to get her respect, before he gets her love/desire. Let the respect factor be your guide while you are DBing. This is not the time to show her how much you love her. This is the time to show your self-respect, confidence, boundaries, etc.
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This isn't the first time she apologized, and I know that it's likely just manipulation, but I will say this...I had somewhat of an epiphany tonight. I now see what detachment means. I didn't respond. TBH, i didn't even react to those texts (I didn't answer back). I am starting to see that the person I loved is gone and has been replace by a selfish manipulator. I have no desire to chase this person or help this person. But I still care about them from afar, and if she does make changes in her life and wants to come back I would not close myself off to that.
THIS! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This is the man you have to be with a WW. Why the heck didn't you stick with it? Are you serious about wanting to know how to interact with a WW?
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W has texted me more today than she has in a week...
Of course she did! Do you know why? B/c of the guy you were showing her the last time she was over. So now she's going to test you a little to see if that guy is still there, or if she can play him a little. She will be attracted to the guy she can't play.
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First to tell me she has an interview (I replied later "You must be excited, Congrats")
Okay, I can understand how you could get some things out of timing......since you are a newbie and reading so much new information. Listen, you have recently caught her in a PA. So right now while she's in an affair....she is not your friend, b/c she is doing another man. You are not always there for her. You are not her cheerleader, nor her counselor.......as long as she is disrespecting you in any way. Why would she even dare think you'd be interested in her getting an interview? Think about it. She has traded you in for another man!
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Later, she asked me about my plans for the weekend...To which I responded "Why do you want to know?" She said she could watch the kids, so I told her I had it covered.
EXCELLENT answer! Perfect!
When the W leaves her H, and especially for another man......she loses certain privileges. You told her about part if it when she came over making herself at home as though nothing has happened. Another one of those lost privileges is knowing what her LBH does in his private life. The only exception of her knowing anything, would be if you were taking the kids out of town/state.....and even then, she should not know every little detail, know what I mean? Just remember that little piece of information. The game plan changed the minute she cheated.
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She said she had to work and thought it was a bad idea, but wanted to make sure it was ok with me before even considering it. I validated her on having to work and her fears about going (and likely getting lectured) then said it was ok with me and thanked her for asking.
She wanted to make sure it was ok with you before she'd even consider it? Well......really? And you fell right into it, didn't you? Look, she is temperature checking you. Did she want to check with you before she took up with another guy? I doubt it. Think about it. Why would she suddenly want to be so friendly and considerate? Remember the last time she was over? Yeah, that time. Well, it caused her to get a little curious about you. So now, she is checking to see if she can say something and get a response from you that tells her that you are still emotionally attached to her. She wants to see if you care.
What did you say, exactly, when you validated her? I am always reading where H's say they validated, but they never say what or how. Unless validation is a natural gift for you, I'd be careful during this time frame, b/c of the mindset of the WW. You do NOT want to look/sound as if you are kissing a$$. IMHO, you overkilled big time, as a lot of LBH's do. She got just exactly what she was looking for when she contacted you!
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I got no response and still haven't.
Know why it bothers you? B/c you gave yourself away. Now she knows she still has you.....and once she knows, then she's not interested.
My suggestion is for a little while, anyway, don't be so eager to gush over the fact she is telling you anything.....b/c she is all about manipulation. And the key about manipulation is to not let the manipulated person know that they are being manipulated. The newly LBH is often so delighted to see her acting halfway "nice", he fails to see through what she's really doing.
If you want to know more about the wayward wife's mindset and usual behavior, you can follow the threads about it. The first one is below.
Wow Sandy, lots of information in there! I'll be the first to admit, I am terrible at validating and should probably not do a ton of it unless it's low hanging fruit like I'm sorry or that [censored].
Tonight was a rough one. I didn't hear from her all day, then she texted on her way over to the house to see the kids (I let her come over mwf after work to spend some supervised time). She was pretty pissy from when she first got there and had to be let in (I didn't unlock the door for her this time). She did a lot of complaining about how it's unfair that her visits have to be supervised and that she can't do overnights (even though she lives in a one bedroom apartment and the OM seemed awfully comfy when I showed up. I tried my best to avoid confrontation, but she sucked me in a few times. She kept saying that I was "punishing her" with the kids, but she showed zero interest in seeing them until recently, and considering I just caught her with OM she claimed didn't exist, I think I was being nice letting her see the kids at all, let alone three nights a week at my house. She was also complaining about coming over straight from work and being hungry but not allowed to eat the food...after she said she was goi g to take the kids out and get ice cream/dinner at what is normally their bed time, I relented and told her she could eat some leftovers but made it clear it was not for her but rather so the kids wouldn't be dragged out.
Towards the end, it all kind of came to a head. She asked why I wouldn't let her take the kids anywhere unsupervised. Said she wanted something in writing and that I couldn't stop her. I told her that I didn't trust her and the kids needed stability. She went back to the punishing card. Then she told me she only started the PA after I started moving on a week ago (asked for key, got own checking), which was clearly a lie but it really pissed me off that she insinuated I drove her to cheat. So I asked one or two questions that confirm the affair was taking place earlier and she was evasive. I knew it was a bad spot to be in so I suggested she head home for the night.
She called like 5 minutes after she left and I should have let it ring, but I answered it. She wanted to apologize for fighting...and I didn't reciprocate the apology. So she went back to punishing her with the kids. This time, I was very clear and forceful with out yelling telling her that I am not doing what I am doing to hurt her...I only care about the kids and their best interests and right now they need a stable home and some consistency. She ended the call shortly after.
I'm sorry for all the rambling. I really lost my cool tonight but it felt like I was being provoked and I felt like it was better to stand up for myself than to cave to her demands at least.
I obviously still have a long way to go. What's shocking to me is she has shown zero remorse for the PA. No shame.
Well, she is definitely still in my head...so much for progress. Had trouble sleeping last night. Even though I know in my head that the affair has been going on for months and her claims that it just turned physical when I "moved on", my sad broken heart wants to believe her because it makes her less of a monster and let's me blame myself.
I just don't understand how I keep getting manipulated. I mean I know it's coming and it STILL WORKS.
Oh just to add...the only silver lining is I don't think she is aware quite how much last night got to me. At the time it was more anger that she would even suggest it. The doubt didn't creep in until later.
