So yesterday I arrived at the church and as soon as XH saw me, he came smiling to say Hi, give me a nice hug and ask me how I was feeling.
I smiled back, hugged him and said that I was not feeling a 100%, still fighting the stomach pain and this horrible flu, but not as bad as before.
He asked me if I ate. What was always his deal because when I don't feel well I don't eat. I said I had a Papaya and an Yogurt and he gave me a little lecture saying that I never should have an yogurt when I have a stomach flu. And went further saying that I should be eating some chicken soup.
Well, I promise him I would eat the chicken soup and stop the dairy. Then he smiled and said: Oh Pink, you never take care after yourself!
As he was saying it there is a translation as for our history together - it says: Oh Pink, I need to be there to take care after you as I always did. And he did as a fact, I was never very receptive because of my nature to fill grumpy when I hurt, but he did. Now I can see it better, because I changed and I accept to be weak and hurting, and accept his advice with tender and love.
It is indeed a big change for me. I have learned to let people love me in their own way. I have learned to accept the love and feel good about it.
This reaction is amazing, because it gives XH and other people in my life, some room to show me how much they love me and appreciate me for what I am.
How easy is that, and how hard was for me to understand it and come to terms with myself. So again, this whole nightmare comes as a benefit to learn skill I would never learn without this tragedy in my life.
During the service I had my prayer time and then I saw that XH was on duty. I walked to him and told him I would be at his place and that he could take the time to do his prayer.
He thanked me and hugged me strong. There was warmth in that hug, there was caring and love. There was no many words, just the touch, the eye contact. Those that gives you certainty that we care for each other.
Later, when he was done, he came back and hugged me again, with the same warmth as before. I did not say anything, I just accept the love and caressed his face with my hand and smiled.
More and more we are talking again with gestures and our eyes.
It's still something weird because we are like a couple, everyone treats us as a couple and we are not together. But, in our world there is a mix of our faith and we leave it to God's care and guidance, so things happen because God's desire for us to be in this direction.
Maybe for the non believers, it is a bit crazy. But, the believers that read this, will understand perfectly what that means.
The service was done, we gather together in a small group to chat a bit about the activities for the weekend and then I left. Said goodbye in general and did not make it special for XH, I just said goodnight.
A few minutes later XH calls me and wants to find out some details from S18, if he was going to school or not and how he was doing. I explained the plan and said that he didn't need to worry about and that everything was fine.
I noticed that he didn't want to end the conversation. In other times I would be glad and trying to chat my lungs off, but this time I was like... OK, so we talk tomorrow.
And again, we prove just one factor... when you LET GO of all that anxiety, fear, desperation, need... that's is when you start seeing them to turn their heads towards us.
Am I a master in this DBing thing? No, not at all. It took me 2years to let go on the outside and a little bit on the inside. I did the 180s to the point that I started believing in them. I faked it to the point I made it. I came to the board like a wet dog complaining and wanting to finish my life and got 2 x 4s and kind words over and over... and over again.
But I followed many advices I got here. I read and re read many times the words that were given to me. I cried with pain trying to mold the person I wanted to be.
I made mistakes and more mistakes and sometimes I lost so much for walking backwards because of my reactions to my perception of what was happening.
Is this story done? No. Is this a happy ending? No. Is this still a process? Yes. There is hope? Yes.
Yes, I decided to accept that he is putting the work, and that he is a lot more open to me comparing to the last two years. He is more affectionate and have been more lovely towards me.
Deciding that also makes me more receptive to what he is able to offer me now. I will pray for my patience tough. It is very hard indeed. But there is no other way around if I want a good R this time. Even I noticed that time will also build something good inside of me as well.
I know about yesterday and have learned, am learning and will learn further what was good and what needs to be trashed forever because the good will be reinforced and the bad needs to be replaced with new skills, new knowledge.
I don't know about tomorrow and through my faith I will leave it in my Lord's hands. So I rest knowing that I will be OK no matter what, if not better then I am.
But I want to live the moment. I never really had this kind of R with XH. We met, we talked a lot by phone and we were getting married the third time we saw each other.
Now, I want to live this friendship, this process of building up feelings and emotions. I want to be his girlfriend one day and feel those butterflies in my stomach. I want to date him. Dress for him, look good for him.
Maybe you are reading and thinking that I am in a romantic side today, and you are right because yesterday I decided to open my eyes and see that the work I have been doing these whole two last years is maybe, just maybe working out. Maybe, just maybe, we are one of those lucky couples that decide to look into ourselves and give another shot at our family.
I will keep posting my journey here. I wish that no matter how it will end, my story will enable someone to fight for their family, M and love. That they will bend like iron in the fire, feel the pain and become better people for themselves and for others in their lives.
