Both of you make sense and it sounds like detachment, which is an area I am working on. However this turns out, I need to move on, so the sooner I stop letting her words sway me the better, The part of MLC that is interesting is just how disconnected W is from what is really happening. But the temporary happiness she is feeling blocks the depression that started this. So she will hang on as long as she can.
I am GAL and getting my [censored] straightened out and I hope that every day I get a little stronger,,,,,support from you and others is really appreciated. I mean that!!
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
the sooner I stop letting her words sway me the better
That is the key - easier said than done. Now my ex is different than most on here due to her issues, but there is a common underlying theme.
The thing is, when they are in the midst of their affairs, we are nothing - no, make that less than nothing - to them. And that's the key. Sure some come back, but the question of trust remains. For me, once that is destroyed, its damn near impossible to get back. My ex laughed about it and rubbed it in my face...so that sealed it for me.
One of the bigger questions that only you can answer, is how easily you can repair that trust. Because if she were to ever want to try again, for it to work you would have to trust her - and if that isn't at 100%, then it's doomed from the start. Now, not to offend anyone but this must be said, there are some weak enough to allow them back if that trust isn't fully there - just to have them back.
The biggest question is, how is that trust regained? Sure, there have been discussions of transparency and all...but when that trust has been broken to that degree, how is it regained? I mean, in the back of our minds the question will always nag us if he/she is really going shopping alone, etc. That's human nature, especially given that an affair is such a slap in the face. But the nagging doubt will always be there.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Jeep, I think that will be an issue for sure and one that I am not faced with today, nor may I ever be. I am sure that if it comes to that, with the help of the reading and continued counseling, I will make my best attempt. But the question of trust is something that exists in someway with any relationship LBS have after this, not mattter who its with. So I am working on that soon, no matter how this works out. I agree that the similarities in all of these MLC cases is really scary, but in someway comforting because if gives us ways to approach the MLC with some proven techniques.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
Sorry I took the opportunity to enjoy the warm weather and play gold today...its important to make sure I take care of myself..I will try to call next week.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
Well its Sunday morning and I am just about done reading DR and have read some other good books as well. I find myself learning to understand MLC and that my WS is not really the person I am dealing with. I had dinner with a good friend last night that had dinner with her last weekend, he and his wife were the first and only people my WS told about the affair. He was totally confused on how she could walk away from such a great lifestyle and marriage for so much uncertainty and a total downgrade. He said she seemed very different and he's known her longer than I have. I explained MLC and shared some writings about it for him to better understand what's happening to her and where she is at in this process.
I encouraged him to not push on her to do anything, but to offer to listen to her, as when she does come out of this she will need someone to help her. He told me that he and his wife will not support any relations with WS and OM, but would continue to see her solo. Also, he told me they will do their best to not judge her, but to offer support and hope that she sees the light on what shes doing with her life.
He told me that during the dinner my WS was not negative about me at all and said to them that I was a great guy and gave no reason for the affair. They left the dinner with her completely puzzled at why she is doing this. I encouraged him to read up on MLC, as nothing makes sense of someone in it and there is nothing that can be done until the MLCer starts to acknowledge what's happening.
I am GAL and working on what to do when we enter our trial separation with NC in December, but since she moved out to OM place a couple of weeks ago I am not going to realize much of a difference. WS though is getting her own apartment and working with her counselor as well to deal with her depression/self worth and childhood abuse issues. I think that she is going to be overwhelmed by all of the emotions she will be going through, however she has yet to feel anything to this point, which is telling about where she is with this process.
I haven't heard from anyone on this post in a couple of days, input is always welcome and appreciated.
M52 W52 M17 T20 SS 23 from my 1st M Lives on his own BD 10/01/16 Trial Sep 12/01/16
