WW Wife - Do I confront her?

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Basically, our marriage has been very rocky for a few years. We have gone cold and have lived as "roommates" for many years. We always got along fine and didn't fight very much. We spent a lot of time together travelling with the kid's. We could always laugh and joke together. The last year has been really rough and the last 6 months before separation, she started to sleep on the couch.

I have always been the more distant one and didn't put much energy into the marriage. She did most of the work for many years and tried to be loving and do anything for me. I was certainly helpful and did my share around the house. Over the last few years, she kind of gave up trying and we spent most of last year in silence, but always friendly.

The 180 for a husband that acted like the above is NOT to completely detach and become "more distant". To do so only reinforces your wife's justifications for leaving and having her affair in the first place.

You conflict avoided and ignored the elephant in the room for several years and that didn't work out for either of you, did it?

I'm not suggesting this far down the avoidant path you have any ability to angrily confront her about her adultery, but, really, she needs to know you know, that you actually care (and are devastated by it) and maybe that YOU need to take some time and space from her.

Don't spend hours and hours agonizing over this with her as she'll just spew her rationalizations and justifications at you trying to gaslight you into accepting this as all your fault (or a figment of your active imagination). You don't have to prove what or how you know anything to her - SHE KNOWS she's having an affair and her blame shifting and anger just prove it further.

[Matrix]

Wow GB, that is a lot to take in. I know that what you are saying is probably the truth and the fear of the confrontation has me frozen at the moment. I know that things can't continue like this forever and I need to make a choice.

I just have this feeling that once I confront her, she will go in the other direction so fast and I can't see how we could reconcile from there.

You and TxHubby have been the only two in favor of confronting her and everything you said above is true. I wish at times that the OM was married. I could easily confront the OM wife or at least have the option to confront her.

I am at a loss. We have been very friendly lately and our two kids seem to enjoy us being friendly. I know a confrontation could end all communication and I admit that freaks me out. I welcome any other input on this, as I am battling this decision daily and it is causing me great stress and anxiety.

[TxHubby]

The DB technique for dealing with an affair pretty much depends on how she responds when you confront her. The program has guidelines to follow if she's remorseful and ends the affair and also if she's not and continues the affair. DB has you covered either way so confront. No screaming. No harsh judgments. Be honest that you know and how it makes you feel. The decision from there is hers.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I just have this feeling that once I confront her, she will go in the other direction so fast and I can't see how we could reconcile from there.

You can't reconcile from here either. You can't resolve an issue you refuse (or fear) to address and confront honestly. In my experience, loving (not desperate) confrontation in truth has actually been the foundation to most of the recoveries I've seen. It's why families of drug addicts have interventions instead of (continuing) to act like everything is ok.

Further, how long can you handle the resentment that will continue to build while letting her continue to disrespect herself and you? Recovery takes two and by the time she comes around all on her own, you'll likely be done with her yourself (with her completely unaware you even know).

You and TxHubby have been the only two in favor of confronting her and everything you said above is true. I wish at times that the OM was married. I could easily confront the OM wife or at least have the option to confront her.

You can confront the OM himself. He's probably been told you and your wife haven't been "married" for years and you are fine with her having a relationship with him. He MIGHT have an issue with actually being an OM. Waywards lie. Your wife has certainly mislead him that you still care and want to reconcile with her. It's probably why your reconciliation statements have been met with such anger - because her life is focused on OM now and you are NOT following the narrative. It also might be a reason she's insisting or pushing the marriage counseling. She's trying to convince OM she's tried and done everything she could to save the marriage but you are hopeless and want it over and her to be with OM. So it's not really a matter of "confronting" OM like he's your enemy, instead it's simply informing him also that you know, that you love your wife and family and want to save your marriage without his interference. Some OM are religious and actually step aside. He's single, he can date anyone, like a single woman without kids and all these complications.

I am at a loss. We have been very friendly lately and our two kids seem to enjoy us being friendly. I know a confrontation could end all communication and I admit that freaks me out. I welcome any other input on this, as I am battling this decision daily and it is causing me great stress and anxiety.

It's an illusion. It's NOT real. Your kids are trying to manufacture a recovery and when you two are together they are doing all they can (including great behavior) so as to facilitate a recovery. If you confront and your wife ends this pretending you haven't really lost anything but a game of pretend. And, you yourself, are indicating just how stressful and anxiety ridden such game of pretend is. It's not authentic and it's abusive and it's a lie. If being honest causes her to run so be it. It won't actually be do to the honesty - but rather the fact she's having an active affair.

Bottom line - there is absolutely NO RECOVERY PROGRESS to be had or pursued while the wayward continues their affair and maintains contact with their affair partner. Your wife's central concern is her relationship with OM. She's nice to you and pleasant to be around as long as you don't rock the boat and/or interfere with her affair. If TRUTH hurts her affair she might be mad but at least you won't be pretending anymore and stressing yourself out faking something that isn't do you (or her) any good.

A bonus. If she stops communicating with you, detaching will become much easier and her life and affair becomes a little more difficult without your continued enablement, appeasement and passive consent.

You are important too. The truth shall set you free. Be a leader and have the courage of your convictions. If you believe adultery is wrong and hurtful than you need to let her know that. She's probably oblivious to her wrongdoing (even though she's hiding it) and she's probably convinced herself you don't care enough about her to be that upset. She has no idea what she is doing or how truly hurtful she's behaving - tell her.


But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, That shines brighter and brighter until the full day. The way of the wicked is like darkness; They do not know over what they stumble. (New American Standard Bibld, Proverbs 4:18-19)

[trumpet]

GB, great post. I humbly concur.

[Matrix]

The DB technique for dealing with an affair pretty much depends on how she responds when you confront her. The program has guidelines to follow if she's remorseful and ends the affair and also if she's not and continues the affair. DB has you covered either way so confront. No screaming. No harsh judgments. Be honest that you know and how it makes you feel. The decision from there is hers.

Thank you for this reminder. I know that she will be defensive and act like it is no big deal because in her mind, we are not married. I have already prepared myself for her response. If she was remorseful, I would fall over in shock. Not really, I would stay strong. Thanks again for the thoughts.

[Matrix]

GB,

Your insights on this are absolutely spot on. I will read your post many times per day and remind myself that every word you wrote is true. I guess the reason that I am hesitant is that I keep trying to convince myself that if the A ends on its own, she would be more open to working on the MR and once we were in some sort of reconciliation, I could slowly begin to ask her if she had been seeing anyone and see how she reacts in a more safe environment. But again, I know that is me just dreaming of any scenario other than confrontation.

I am just in preparation mode now and trying to make sure that if and when I do confront, I am ready for anything that she can throw at me. I want to make sure that my emotions don't get in the way if she starts lobbing spew at me that I was not ready for.

Thank you guys again for the wonderful insight. I really wanted to wait until after the holidays, but I might not have a choice to wait that long.

[Cristy]

Hello BAM,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head! To confront or not to confront has been a common theme in your posts. I must respectfully disagree with the most recent advice to confront. You can still behave in a way that shows that you refuse to be disrespected without confronting/exposing her affair. There are no regrets in taking the high road, you just need the best map.

I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is much that can be done. Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[mvgfwd2]

If this A ends on its own what prevents the next A for your W to pursue, OM2, OM3, etc.? Nothing, if you don't confront the current A. The longer you wait the harder it will be.