Roist - I watched the movie and the part he wants me to watch and there was some kind of answer for what he is intending for now. These two characters are in each others path because life did it, the first step was to introduce themselves. Tom Cruise's character says he has questions and is very impatient. The samurai is content with the introduction of their names and is looking forward for the next conversation.
Throughout the movie the conversations continue, they start sharing their views on life, values. They start feeling comfortable with each other and their differences.
But the most important of all is that they cross each other paths as enemies. It is through those conversations that they become best friends that trust each other with their own lives.
This is the main point that XH is talking about, the message is that we need to keep talking to develop the trust and respect that was broken between us.
He is not wrong and the approach is the correct one if you want to build up a health R again. For me in specific, it is very hard because I would like to put the past beside us and work hard towards something we think can be good for us both.
But, lately I have been thinking that I changed a lot and that the best way is to take the time to develop a friendship we have lost. Is to get to know each other in our new skin. And even if my heart desire to work on some R, I know we are just trying to start something from new.
It is very tricky, because we can still see and smell the ashes of what have died.
Sotto - you are very right and I know that is what I should be doing. Moving forward and let the pieces fall whatever they fall. Unfortunately, as I wrote above, it is not much in my nature to let things go and live the moment.
Being very sincere, I can't say I have zero expectations. I don't get anxious as before, I am not consumed by what he does or doesn't, I keep dealing with my own life and moving forward with it. But inside my heart, I think about his words, his kindness.
It is almost impossible to ignore that he is trying his best to show me he cares, that he has changed and is working hard to change further and be better for his family.
On Monday, when S18 and I were very sick, he drove me to the pharmacy to pick up S18's meds, then he made tea for me. He went to the supermarket to get some food to prepare dinner. He actually called his work to let them know that he would be in a hour and half later because he was helping his family.
In the past it would never happen, his work was always in the first place. Above us all. I then made a point to send him a short message saying that I was proud of him, that even knowing that his work is very important, he manage to do both and put his family first. He was happy I said that. He said he used to think about these things but would not do it.
My only complain about this whole new events is that I would like to be important. I don't really know if this is still some post divorce drama that I have. Maybe I still feel very hurt and have too much of the rejection feelings hanging on me. Maybe is the simple fact that I was born a woman and like it.
I really don't know. But I would love if XH ask me for a coffee at least. Maybe dinner, or a movie. Something simple, but a time that would enable us to feel happy and relaxed. At home is nice, but he is cooking or there are the kids. It is almost like he needs to be in a safe zone when with me. And maybe that is exactly what he wants now, a safe zone.
By other hand, doing the safe zone, is also pushing me away somehow. I wish it didn't and I would just take what has been offered and let go, enjoy the moment. But I am not doing it. I am not over thinking, but I don't see any beauty on what is going on. There is no magic, no butterfly in my stomach. There is no feeling of mystery, desire.
I don't understand well what is going on inside of me, but I wish we could just try to hang with each other as I would do with a different guy that is just trying to know me right now. But there is this new with the old environment, what for me gets complicated.
Oh well, when you can't let it be, let it GOD. And that is all what I can do for now, let it all in God's hands and see what will happen.
And there is the Thanksgiving again. XH asked me what we will be doing since this year I have the Thanksgiving week. I said we would just hang out with each other at the house. I asked what he would be doing and he said that I know he doesn't really have a life, but he would stop by the old lady he used to live at her house, and that he didn't know what he would do later.
I don't know. Maybe it would be good to spend some more time together. Or, maybe I will just be giving him this family time and it is convenient for him to keep things were they are.
I was thinking that maybe I can invite him to spend the Thanksgiving with me. And say it very clear that it is to spend with me, not the kids, but me. That he would inevitably to spend time with his kids too, but the purpose was to spend time with me. But I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like doing the easy stuff, the easy way out, and just give up on it all. Just let go and don't really be there for him anymore. Anyway, this is what he wants since long, is to be single, have his own life and be away from me. Then it is like doing him a favor.
I am writing all this even if it is like reading a book. But, sometimes I look around to read something that tells me how it was to get together again or to give up in it all and I can't really find the details that took people to their last straw.
I just hope this hopeless feeling is coming from my Flu, otherwise I will be telling here very soon, that I fell out of love for my XH. We will see.
