You did good Cheesyt!!! That is good that she is telling you that she is confused and misses you!! Remember when you used to think she didn't even miss you!! Stay strong!!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Cheesyt, I agree you did well. For perspective I'd give anything to even think my W missed me let alone have some confirmation of it. However, you've been at this far longer than I have for which I am in awe. You are strong, and from reading through your posts, I think you're doing amazing! Just keep at it.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
I've been unconscious for about 12 hours and my head really hurts; I feel like I've been hit by a 2x4. Anyway, I agree with the others; you did very well.
Thank you everyone!!! your support means so much to me!!!!
Now that today is a new day, I feel much better. I'm kind of angry, but nothing crazy. and angry in the sense that I turned my phone off cus I don't want W to contact me. I'll keep it off most of the day.
doodler, you crack me up! I always read your crazy nonsense in other's threads! it's nice to have a little humor in these types of situations.
Vanilla, your words are so wise, every time I read your post it just calms me. thank you so much! I definitely do not take your words lightly.
coly, nygal, hawk & fighting, thank you for stopping by! your words of encouragement really help!!!! thank you!
I have an IC appointment in a bit. So ready to talk about my feelings.
need help / advice. text from w -soo...i was thinking maybe we could try seeing a therapist together...if you're still interested. me-I'd like that, lets talk. I'm about to go to my IC session and I'm swamped at work. I have a few questions / requests I have to think about before we pull the trigger. Let me sit on this and get my thoughts in order. Feel free to do the same.
went into my session. talked about boundaries, and my "non-negotiables" need help with them though. I've thought about them but I don't want to forget something important. help please!!!
1. no contact with OW (break up) or OM (they're still fbook friends, I find that unnecessary) 2. transparency, phone, fbook, email, blah blah. 3. counseling ( which she brought up) 4. date nights and family nights are a must.
A few questions I have for her, 1. what are you hoping to gain from counseling? 2. what parent / step parent role are you expecting from me in this period. 3. are you ALL in?
If she's good with the boundaries / non-negotiables then I'll know she's 100% committed.
a few things I'd like to let her know. 1. I'm 100% committed to doing the work together. 2. I'd like to stay living in my place until we are in a better place. 3. I wish to have separate finances until we are in a better place.
Cheesy, what a strange convo you had with W last night. Do you think OW is out of the picture now because I can't imagine that convo going on if she was there....
Sooo, to your recent text from W. Your W's behaviour is very erratic at the moment isn't it! IMHO I would ask her what the purpose of the therapy is first. Only because I have heard some WAS asking to see a therapist to help to have a more 'amicable' breakup, which I think personally is weird! I'm. I'm not saying that's what it is but you have to be sure you are both singing from the same hymn sheet!
I think your other questions about OW/OM will come afterwards once you are clear on her motives.
Sending you hugs Cheesy ((( )))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Ok, deep breath. Slow and steady wins the race. First off, please don't confuse me for a vet--too many of you are singing my praises--while my H did come back, I also made several mistakes along the way. And still do :-)
So I am going to go with my instincts here. Hopefully others will way in. I still am of the camp that less is more. She is starting to see things a bit more clearly. She is questioning herself and choices. And she is reaching out. These are all positive signs. Deep breath and digest this for now. These are all baby steps but she is starting to move slowly. Do not rush into anything or it could backfire.
I agree with all of your above criteria, I do! However I think it's too early to lay it all on the table. She is still fragile and I don't want you to overwhelm her or scare her off. Even if she wants to rush, do not let her! She may start pushing it, but YOU, you set the pace now.
I think you should stay the course of patience, consistency, and remaining the lighthouse for now. Perhaps just start with listening and validating. Let her know you appreciate her reaching out. Thank her. Let her know she is giving you a lot to think about. That is more than enough for today. You are not a needy scorned woman just waiting for her to tell you to jump and you ask "how high?" You are solid and deserve the best.
Then you continue doing YOU. Keep up your GAL, 180s, and keep detaching. DB is a way of life if she comes back or not.
Also, keep in mind that MC can be very intense and even do more damage if both parties are not all in. She is just getting her toes wet here. You can always do the MC later when she is committed to coming back. Take this as slow as humanly possible and don't let her think she can just jump back in. You will nee a lot of things from her and you both need time.
Patience is KEY. Can you do that?
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
I am all for going slow and steady!!! I want this to WORK and work RIGHT the FIRST time back. I will certainly ask what her motive for Counseling is, W always asked for counseling, I refused. I feel like If we choose wisely it'll help through her fog, perhaps not. We are meeting tomorrow night. We will discuss her motives for counseling, I am not jumping into anything. which is why I feel it is necessary to continue to live separately at least until we are both ready. This helps me continue my GAL 180s and set the pace.
I see your point of not laying it all out because it may scare her. However, 1. I am confident if it does scare her off, then it's not meant to be & I will carry on without her. 2. I need OW and OM out of our lives. I refuse to even "date" or do counseling if OW is still in the picture. That's a waste of my time, love, energy!!!
Patience will be my biggest struggle. I can do that.
Yes, you are struggling with patience. You are still bringing up A LOT! If you are meeting tomorrow then I think you should see it only as a time to listen, hear, and validate. That's it. You don't need to share the other stuff. If she is coming around, you can figure that out in time. I think this needs to be your 180! Just listen. No sharing, no laying out conditions, nada. Listen only. Can you do that???
That is patience, my friend, that.
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
