Struggling

[miky152]

Yeah, I'm a doormat and the night before we were home together for a while before she took SS to his dad's and bailed to the OW's. During that time I was mostly friendly or at least civil, but overall aloof and she hates that. I don't know if maybe me making sure I'm taking care of my own feelings instead of letting her put me in the friend-zone is what made me feel so good yesterday or not. Probably so though. We haven't had any contact since then other than to sort out finances via text a couple of times yesterday.

That's what she does now, if SS isn't there she spends her nights at the OW's which at first left me feeling pretty empty, but now just a bit "eh, whatever" or at worst, mad. I'm looking forward to moving out just so I don't have to see that all the time, but I will my home, my bed, and especially my SS.

The friend zone thing cracks me up...of course they want to keep us as a "friend"...we are still trustworthy! But why would I want to be friends with my WW? She has been a TERRIBLE friend, even if I exclude the lying and cheating.

[fightin]

Exactly miky152. I don't want to be her friend, look at how easily she's tossed me aside. Who wants to be friends with people that treat them like poo? Doormats, but I'm not a doormat anymore, or at least I'm working on it, and the first step for me is setting that boundary with her.

[fightin]

Blu, thank you so much for such an insightful post! Your wisdom and encouragement are greatly appreciated.

She is moving super fast indeed! Yes, I'm thankful I recognize it too, it is frustrating, but almost funny, how irritated shes gets when I don't just sit down with her and chat like we're pals. Thanks for the advice on the book, I will definitely check it out. It certainly can't hurt.

She can't see the forest for the trees that's for sure and ridiculous is a good description. I'm concerned for him too; he needs consistency and stability just as you said and this is far from that. She may not move the OW in fully just yet. I hope she waits a while to introduce her S to her for sure. I do know that any night he isn't with my W she does plan on having the OW stay here so that my W doesn't have to drive 45 min to work from the OW's house. So the OW would be living here 50/50 at least. Thankfully his dad is great and does provide him consistency and stability, and I will still be around 2-3 times a month to spend time with him.

She doesn't even text me anymore so she isn't asking where I'm at. I just know she's asked more than once if she can still check on me and see how I'm doing, but considering she's cut off all contact and so have I at this point (other than the business of separating) I don't think she's interested anymore in keeping in touch. I didn't play by her rules so she's going to take her ball, go home, and ignore me. Which is just fine by me! Gives the me the distance and time to work on myself without her as a distraction.

I do expect her world to come crashing down at some point, and I do expect once that happens she'll just expect me to be there waiting in the wings, but even if I'm still open to a R with her, I'm sure as heck not going to let her know it. She will have a lot of work to do herself first.

Thanks again, and I will absolutely keep working on myself and keep her at a distance.

[Maybe]

Hi fighting,

I hope you will keep seeing your SS. You need space to remain upbeat and friendly. I started to make myself not so available so I can keep a clear head. If she hates you, that's coz she was very emotionally invested in you. We can work with that:)

[fightin]

I will definitely keep seeing my SS. We're pretty fond of one another and no need for us to lose each other just because of my W's decisions.

Yes, she was very emotionally invested in me. We weren't without our issues for sure, and I definitely own my part in all of this, but we were generally over the moon for one another and 2 peas in a pod. Maybe that will matter at the end of all of this, and maybe it won't. I am trying to train myself to detach and realize that the M I once had is very dead so no matter what happens I can begin to accept that.

For now, I'm just going to move back to my hometown, GAL like crazy, keep up therapy, and be the best me I've ever been!

[fightin]

So I found out unintentionally that my W has not told any of her family aside from her mother about our split. I ended up doing her job for her. I had been getting questions here and there via Facebook about no longer being friends with my W. We both changed our profile pics, etc. as we had each other in them. So I made a very classy post about our split and that her happiness is just as important as mine, and that I wish her well.

Let the flood gates open. No one knew from her family. I just told those that asked to get the story from her. I wasn't going to tell her side of it. She promised me (I did not ask this of her at all) that she'd tell the truth that she cheated, but I don't believe her. Even if she says she cheated it will be justified by "I just wasn't happy" and "OW makes me feel happy in a way I never have before". That's fine, she can justify it until she's blue in the face for all I care.

The thing that got me the most, is that she still hasn't told my SS's dad. I told him unintentionally as well thinking she had already told him. You'd think as a mother she'd want to prepare his dad so he'd know what was going on and how to comfort his son. Obviously she isn't thinking of anyone but herself right now. I know she's so lost in the fog.

Of course I want her back, and yes, I know we'll have to start over with something new, but as stubborn and prideful as she already is I'm not she'd ever admit she was wrong even if this A goes down in flames. I guess that isn't for me to worry about though.

It's funny. It is so weird for me to leave this home we've made together, but it was so hard for me to get comfortable here. I had only ever lived in my hometown and I moved across the state to be with her so it took a lot of adjusting, but now this place has become my home. It's just a house, I know that, and it clearly isn't my home anymore in any sense of the word given the circumstances, but I think you understand what I'm saying.

I'll be seeing her tonight as we have my SS. It will be our last night in the house together as I'm moving out tomorrow. I don't know if she even plans on staying over night here because they are going to leave while I move so they might go tonight. Who knows, but it will be the first time in 3 days we've spent any time around one another as she's been "living" with the OW until I move out when we don't have my SS.

I'm going to do my best tonight to be happy and cheerful around her instead of angry and cold. I'd like to leave her with a 180.

[j20a00g]

I don't get the whole fb stuff. "I did her job for her". No. she chose to not blast her or your personal business to the world. I would be pissed.

More people in your business doesn't help anything. Trust me there. You poured gas online in a burning ant pile.

[fightin]

I see your point. I probably should have addressed it one by one no matter how tedious it felt. She didn't get angry about it that I know of and I didn't say what happened between us other than we were splitting, but you're right, that doesn't make it okay.

[j20a00g]

You know you're my girl and all and because of that I'll bring out the 2x4 when necessary. She's made this situation horrible for you....don't make it worse.

I quit fb cold turkey about 1.5 years ago when I realized I had fomo (fear of missing out) and was spending too much time focusing on everyone and everything else.

Real friends know how to get ahold of me. And if questions come up about the R I reply that we are currently separated and working on ourselves. Which is the truth. It's a canned enough response that people know then and there that I'm not giving them juicy details.

I know your emotions are raw. Don't do crazy things u wish u could take back when the dust settles.

[cheesyt]

well, here's my 3cents from my own personal struggles.

I agree on the house / home thing. I understand where you're coming from in that sense. It too was hard for me to get adjusted to a new "home" so far away from my family. It's extremely difficult to leave your home. One day you'll build a new and better home, your W may or may not be there.

W is selfish, she will only think about herself for the next idk how many LONG months to come. the sooner we get used to it / accept it the better for us.

try not to worry about what your W will or will not do after the affair goes up in flames. It's no use. And not to give you false hopes or anything but, my W is very stubborn and prideful, never apologizes for ANYTHING or cries, and she's already half apologized for some stuff and cried with some regret. Your W already surprised you with an affair, therefore you may be pleasantly surprised in a different manner. one thing i've learned, ANYTHING is possible in this journey.'

glad you're moving out, in some sense because it'll be good to be out of the immediate stressful situation. It will certainly help you take care of you and worry only about you.

let us know how the night / the move goes!!!