Had another sad sad morning...took a long walk but then broke down and cried on a bench...nice man came along and chatted with me for almost an hour. There really are some very kind people in the world!
Emailed my H's business partner last night to see if I could meet him just to catch up on what is going on with our business as I have NC with H atm. I haven't heard back...I don't think H wants me to meet with him as I might actually tell the truth about what is going on behind the scenes. I did in my email say I only wanted to discuss business so as not to make him uncomfortable...I don't see any point in discussing my H with him as I have heard he already believes H is in a MLC and is also unable to change H's mind.
I haven't heard from my husband since Oct 5 (6 weeks) except for a very short email 4 weeks ago just asking me to sort something on the car. The last text he sent me was the day I was flying over to visit his mother and it was basically to say he wasn't coming home...he was on a different 'path' now but he loved me and wanted me to be happy just not with him. I replied that I wasn't having any discussions about that in the near future as neither one of us were ready and not to text or email me as I was in a real state by then. I don't know how to proceed now...do I just continue to leave him alone? Please I could really use some advice now... he continues to have very little/to none to do with our children and doesn't see any of our mutual friends so I have no idea what his state of mind is now...I emailed his business partner just asking for an update on what is going on with our business but he has not replied...
The business partner may feel uncomfortable in responding back to you right now. People, in general, do not want to be in the middle of a marital situation, i.e., separation/divorce. In his mind, he could very well want to distance himself from you for the time being because your h may have painted his rewritten history picture to him. Also, he may think that you have an ulterior motive for asking for the info, i.e., to tell him about your situation or try to get info from him. From his non-response, I would suggest that you contact your accountant for info or have your lawyer request the info.
As for contact your h...be still and be patient. He's not ready to contact you or see the children. It takes time for them to work on themselves and a MLCer does not like to be pressured into doing something that they aren't ready to do. The best thing you can do is reassure your children that their father loves them. Only contact him if it's an emergency, but other than that...leave him alone.
I know that this is very difficult for you and the children, but the more you pursue him (calls, texts, emails, etc.), the more he's going to distance himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Thank you Thank you, Job...your advice is so reassuring! His business partner just emailed me back and said he would meet me next week. How should I deal with that...just leave my H completely out of the conversation? What if he asks how we are doing? Truth or say we are fine and dandy? xx
How should you deal w/meeting the business partner? The same way you would in the office. You have your list of questions about the business and leave the conversation to nothing but business. You want this person to feel safe and willing to speak to you about the business in the future.
If he asks how you are doing, I would say okay. You do not need to go into detail w/this person about your personal life and/or what is going on in your marriage. He/she is nothing more than an employee and you don't own him/her an explanation of what is or isn't going on.
Be sure to thank this person meeting up w/you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job is right, keep the conversation strictly business when speaking with his business partner. Are you a business partner too? Be prepared to see your H at the office. How will you handle that?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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I really appreciate your advice. I'll be meeting the business partner (P) for a coffee outside the office. I am a partner as well but don't work in the office and not working at all since this happened. P is also a friend, close to my H and not so close to me. But he is a really decent guy. He and his wife have socialized a few times with us over the past many years and my H plays golf regularly with him and, of course, sees him everyday in the office. I haven't been in touch with him or his wife since H left because I know H has shared his version of what is going on. There is a good chance that P will ask questions about the kids and me and how we are getting on...I'm pretty sure he knows we are not OK...so how do I deal with the questions? I will try and stick to business only but I am a lousy liar and if he asks more probing questions...??? xx
Your H is displaying the same type of behavior than mine and so many others have
Juts remember it is NOT your fault.. In MLC they seem to follow a lot of the same behaviors some are they are:
1.terrible parents 2.spend like theres no tomorrow 3.let go of responsibility 4.have an OP and or new friends sometimes younger 5.LIe 6.rewrite history 7. dress differently/dye hair/get tattoos/motorcycles/cars/piercing
WE have to create a new life slowly and let them go grieve and get therapy and or support work on being there for yourself and the kids take good care of yourself by eating, resting exercising keep posting
You will get through this,,the pain will pass
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I will try my hardest to stick to business only when I talk to P.
So my mother told me story about a couple she knows very well. It happened 25 years ago. The H dropped a separation agreement on the breakfast table and told W to sign it as they were now separating. W had no idea anything was wrong in the M. They had just celebrated W's 50th with a huge party and were supposed to go away together for a romantic holiday a few days later. W flipped as expected and H forced her to move out of the house. The first year H was mean mean mean (very unlike him because he is a really gentle pleasant guy), the second year they had a few dates which ended in the bedroom but he was still pushing the divorce through. Finally, in the third year, he decided to drop the divorce and W took a year to decide if she wanted to move back in with him after all that had happened. They are still happily married today. I spoke to both W and then H yesterday. W's story was so similar to mine. H said the first year he didn't miss W at all but the second year was hell. He said he never ever wants to go through such a crisis again and is so happy it is behind him and that his W was willing to take him back. H was 54 when his crisis started...same age as mine! I know there are no guarantees but still comforting to hear a happy ending. Three years separation...such a long time though! xx
