I'm in pretty good spirits and there are moments. The thing is, she totally destroyed the part of me that really cares about that anymore...kind of destroyed who I was. Oh well, maybe it will come back, maybe not. I'm almost fine with the way I am now...most of my time I spend with the kids and don't really have time, or the inclination, for anything else.
Which reminds me of a conversation in the office today - one of the guys asked if we regretted getting married. I thought a long time about that one - back then when I thought things were fine, no I didn't at all. Now? To some extent I do, but I have two beautiful kids that are my world, so the hell I went through is worth it because of them.
Funny thing, sometimes when we talk its like the old days - like back when we were dating. And sometimes its like pulling teeth. I had come to the conclusion that the ex wasn't cut out for marriage or being a full-time mom. I don't hate her...not in the least. I'm more disappointed in her and her behavior. Sure, there is some anger at not being told ahead of time about the abuse, but it is what it is. Would I have still married her if she revealed that? Possibly.
Now, I'm in a place where I am struggling, but its a different sort. I have to figure out life after divorce. I have to figure out whats the best path toward it and giving the kids the best I can. That's my sole focus. Nothing else.
Do I want anything in the way of relationships? Not even sure, not going to lie. The woman who I was talking to made it clear that there is no interest from her end other than talking, so there is that. As far as Harley is concerned, that honestly scares me. The universe and signs opened that door for some reason, I just have to figure out what it is. I'm nervous about the visit and what it brings, no - make that scared.
People say that exes are that for a reason and there is no going back. Some are success stories and some are not. Some are scared to try again. I can honestly say that with Harley, we made each other better in so many ways. But that was so long ago. Even if we did, it would be totally starting over. Just not sure how much gas I have in the tank. And I'm not sure if this whole thing with Harley and thinking about her is a diversion from the pain of the divorce. I don't think so...after all, she contacted me after my last job change/update.
[quote=TxHubby It sounds like you're in good spirits. That's really the ultimate goal whether a marriage works or not. I'm glad you mentioned the universe and signs. Some people say God. It's all good. YES, the universe talks to us all the time. Most people ignore signs. Once I stopped ignoring them and follow the signs, the worm definitely turned in my favor. Take that approach with Harley. If it's meant to be then it will be. If your marriage was meant to be saved then it would have been. Don't sweat it if your future isn't crystal clear. That leaves the door open to great adventures. Keep your mind and heart open and just go with the flow. Good luck. [/quote]
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
