XW showing signs or just MLC script

[CaliGuy]

As for your questions. Would I take her back? As time goes by the chance for that to happen gets smaller and smaller. As of December 31 2015 I closed a few windows and doors on XW. There might be a crack under the garage door but she would have to do so much.

This is solid Irish .... and its the right stance to have. Its not only protecting yourself but also your two little (well not so little) ones. Its actually the one regret I have was allowing mine back to fast knowing she was not fully baked thinking I could watch the pot boil .... this was a mistake that set me back a bit, but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do.

What I feel about her? It's a mixture of emotions. Feeling sorry for her comes and go's, what she is missing in the girls lives is gone. She will not be able to relive because time doesn't stand still. That hurts my heart. Love, because she was my love. I feel like she passed on and I am unable to mourn her death. An emptiness that will take a while to fill.

This part jumped at me and I wanted to comment a bit. I completely felt this way, its like you are unable to mourn someone in a coma ... they are still there .. sorta... and it provides this limbo feeling that one desires/craves closure on one way or the other. Over time, I realized I was in love with the memory of her, who I seen through the rose colored contacts that I had no idea I was wearing. So ..... I decided to do just that, I accepted I really loved her back then, accepted I will never love another that way ... not even her, all that innocence is gone. I look back on my M fondly and often think of memories and events here and there and actually smile .... its just that ..... time, over time I allowed the good to flood out the bad refusing to allow MLC to steal 26 years, I will only give it the 3 or so and keep the good 23. It will just take time Irish ... keep working and healing.

Forgive her. I have already. I forgive her for what she did to me. Can I forgive her for what she did to our girls. Answer is NO. I would still have a long way to go for that to happen, and it doesn't look good. She would have to do so much work to rebuild her relationship with them. If by miracle she did that and was a Mom of all moms to them again. I would.

Another issue that brought up something for me. I too thought I forgave her. Turns out I kinda put all that stuff in a box, placed it on a shelf because I was tired of dealing with it. When she came back in Mar15 I was forced to pull that box down and deal with all that emotion of betrayal/confusion/pain again. I was not strong enough nor ready at that point, I recall it shocked me how intense the emotions were after a few years, and though I thought I forgave her I really didn't. The fact she had not done the work made it tough.
Currently .... I honestly can not say I have truly forgiven her, and as far as I am concerned that's ok ... its not eating me up, I like you do not hate ... but I am just not ready to give a free pass after 3+ years of this, in time I strive to get there but being honest and looking at what true forgiveness is I admit I am not there... YET.

As far as what they do/did to the kids ... I have been stuck on that for a few months. I question what my S9 thinks "Marriage" looks like, is it simply Mom saying she was done moving out and presenting OM a month later at Christmas.... he was to young to actually see what we were like in the "good times" and it makes me cringe a bit. As fathers we do what we can, being the lighthouse is more than just for the MLCr its more important to the family and you are doing an epic job in that area.
[/quote]

XW went quiet on the weekend. I guess she doesn't want to secretly text another man and disrespect him. Good to see her values coming back. lol

I did however get one today.
- All about her losing all our friends,
- Having to create a new life because everyone just hates her.
- That her kids abandoned her (I guess she doesn't remember telling them she doesn't want to be their mom).
- That people around her don't care that she is changing and what becomes of her.
- That she feels dead inside and she has no choice to go into survival mode to save herself.

Then last sentence. Out of no where writes " So, D16 did she chose what she wants to study in college?"

All I replied was a question. So you think the girls abandoned you. You left them and not once ask me how they were during this last year and 3 months. Why is that?

Her reply: you probably wouldn't have answered me.I'm tired, have a good day.

I think she will be quiet for a few weeks. Until Xmas gets close. The full moon was tonight I also think that had a lot to do with last weeks texts. Liquids in the brain and the tide changes from a full moon can even make sane people lose it, imagine what it does to MLC'ers


Wishing you all a good week.
Irish

[/quote]

More reflection from her, vocalizing to you and starting to realize all she has lost ... FantasyLand must be losing its shine a bit most likely because the same demons she was running from followed her and have caught up. I suspect this reflection will continue and she may test you a bit.

[peacetoday]

Hi Irish


She seems to be getting glimpses of her new reality-
Maybe skimming the bottom but does not sound like she hit it yet

I think it takes a lot of pain b4 they hit the bottom
and hit they must
I think most will continue to run until the pain gets to great and too close
and they can't run anymore

I do think she will include you on her journey down
Maybe by the time they really hit..they will then be apologizing and taking responsibility to fix and reconnect

Im not sure because my situation never came full circle and my XH is still hovering above his bottom
hope you have. good night

[Irish M]

HI Bttrfly, Bright, Lana, Cali and Peace.

well, she messaged me back faster than I would of thought. It seems the verdict is out. Temp checking.

She texted and emailed quite a bit with ups and downs emotionally. Eventually i just said it. It's what she wanted to hear and I needed to hear her reaction. She pulled every string, poked me at every angle. It's been going on long enough her messages with regret of leaving, shame things ended this way, I should of loved her more and fought for her...and she still feels for me. So i just said simply. " I do love you and worry about you"

Her messages changed right there and then.
"Oh Irish, you need to move on, shouldn't still be in love with me. You need to find true love, be happy."

So I wrote her a small message, not even long enough to call it a letter. I said stop the games. You are playing with feelings that I thought were gone. You forced my hand into saying words I do not care to say to you. Once again you show me that talking to you is a mistake. So please stop.

She replies.Well your love is too late. Action speaks louder than words , and you are all words.

I reply .I think of that expression every time we talk. I'm tired of texting and email. If you want to talk about something other that this topic of what if we did things different then call me. I don't want to text anymore. |It's pointless this conversation because we are at 2 different ends. 2 different versions. We won't meet in the middle anytime soon. Have a nice night.

She writes to me a few minutes later.. No phone call . that will be too hard for her. She tells me of her sick cat and she is at the vets, afraid it will die.. This is the cat she took in a few weeks ago and was so disgusted by people abandoning cats.. ( her doing it to children isn't so bad though).

I wanted so much to let her feel my rage over that... but i let it go. No angry reply needed, i simply said ,"hope it makes it out OK". I Went home and enjoyed the evening with my girls.

[Sotto]

Hi Irish, FWIW I just think this texting goes around in big circles. I wonder whether you might want to think of doing a 180 here. Doing what works....what would work for you in this instance? Xx

[Vapo]

Irish, you have to stop engaging her in a conversation, because it really does no good to anyone. I understand you, I really do, there were times I wanted to tear my W's head off for talking similar trash to me. I told her off a couple of times, boy did it feel good, but now I'm just letting it slide. You know, water off a duck's back...

[Irish M]

Hi Sotto and Vapo

You are both exactly right.

A 180 is necessary but NC is more important.

She is still with OM. Why am I even engaging with her. She has nothing to offer me.
All she is doing is gratifying herself. I will block her cell and emails. I don't even want to read her messages anymore.

Let her bake more, hit her rock bottom or whatever but I need to get far away from it.

Hope you all have a great day :-)

[Esame]

Irish,

I think you are right, there is no point in engaging in any conversation, especially not through messaging. I make that mistake often and it always ends up biting me on the backside.

You have done amazingly well so far, well done!

[peacetoday]

I agree
You tested the waters--so now u know where she is-In game playing mode
You told her the truth-you still love her..she knows, she could come back if she worked for it--Shes not ready

I think if you drop the rope and totally let her go

she may hit bottom faster, harder-since part of her security was having/seeing if you were there
I think you are right..If she leaves OM, then there can be room for conversation with a therapist to call her on her stuff
If she stays with OM you just become the new emotional affair

I have a good friend whose XH did the same
he left -went on to his 2 nd ow...on the 2 OW he started calling , my friend (His XW)
They became friends but she was already over him its like 7 years..
HE left his second OW and
he tried with a vengeance to get her back
she's just not interested anymore,,and she would have done anything in the beginning to stop him from leaving..He is still trying

I think when we move on in some cases, they decide to come back-

Its obvious she is not sure, so that is good
Once you detach , she will feel the energy of you being gone
Then without you and the girls, she is left with OM
and she will realize that he is not making her happy either

She's in therapy..she feels regret --I think thats a start
I never got anything like that from my X

[roist]

I think Peacetoday gave good advice.

Best wishes

[Sotto]

Yes, I think that's good advice from Peace Today as well. The one thing I would say is if you do decide to go dark, do that for you primarily. It may also have some effect on your situation, but do it first and foremost for you.

I'm not a great fan of blocking calls and texts and so on. But I do think it can be helpful to make technology work for you. I have a couple of email accounts, one of which XH used. I took that off my phone, and so I would check it less frequently. I could also take it off the iPad if I wanted...

In general, I think a gentle and kind withdrawal is a good way to go. Not so much with truth darts, but just minimal and not very available...

But I think the main thing is to extract yourself from the circular and unproductive conversations.

Take care Irish and hope you're having a good day :-)