was or what 8

[job]

If you go to the very last page of the Resources that Smurf created, we were able to recreate some of the links in a posting of July 28, 2015.

Unfortunately, many of the old threads are no longer available. Each poster was given the opportunity to copy and save their postings and come back and repost them or give us permission to repost them for readers. If a poster didn't return to repost their thread or gave us permission to do so, then they weren't made available to the posters once again.

However, the stages that you are referring to are: denial, anger, replay, depression, withdrawal and acceptance. During the MLC, the main ingredient is depression. They can bounce back and forth between replay, depression, withdrawal slowly enter into acceptance. There is actually no time limit on any of the stages because no two people are alike. The depression that is mentioned as a stage is a very deep, dark depression and one where they tend to actually withdraw even more so. Once acceptance occurs, they either will attempt to reconnect w/the children, family, pets, friends, etc. and the LBS is the last one for reconnection. It's the exact opposite of entering MLC. There is one final stage that I call settling into their own skin and that is when they actually reconnect and want to reconcile. When they return home, it takes a while for them to feel comfortable in their own skin. There is a thread on the reconnection if you are interested in reading it. Please feel free to ask questions about the stages, but remember, they are only a guideline and they are not linear! It's best to keep our focus on us and our families and allow the MLCers time to heal on their on time frame.

Here's the link to MLC for Dummies and it was listed in the Resources Thread that was created by Smurf:

Midlife for Dummies

[Surfer]

Roist,

Don't doubt you when struggling with boundaries. You are balancing the minds of your family against your emotional knee jerk. You are doing great.

Keep doing exactly that.

Nothing more to add my friend.

Surfer.

[roist]

Job. Thank you for taking the time to look up those links and for giving me a brief outline.I understand your warnings and take heed. I am just trying to understand the phases so I can converse better with others here. In part I will use this info to review my situation but without dwelling on it.

However I would be interested on reading more about low energy mlc or however best describe my situation.

I hear you about keeping the focus on ourselves.IIt is great advice. Still living as a couple enhances for me our situation . It is ever present.neither of us is happy with how we are. I know my overall happiness should be independent of my M and I am still figuring out how to do that.
But i know thst i will be happy. It is inevitable.

I am a bit down at the moment but nothing I cannot handle.
I know what I need to do or should do. I am not neglecting this

Surfer. Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Best wishes

[roist]

Job which reconnection thread do you mean? Yes I would be interested in reading about reconnecting.

I read up s bit on other sites about mlc. Replay alone is usually almost two years on average from BD!! I better hurry up and get my BD from W

I have switched my main focus back onto me though will continue to learn about mlc. I am looking up info on assertiveness, changing personality traits to self improve and diving again into gratitude.
With the American Thanksgiving coming up soon I will kick start my gratitude project I have thought about before.

One thing that I have been wondering about was resparked by reading from Maximus yesterday in newcomers. As I have been reflecting upon my boundaries with W and my assertiveness I wondered is my not saying anything about W not wearing rings could be considered as weak by W? I thought there was no point doing so before she wants back in, plus I don't want her to wear it just to appease me. But we are married and still together so at times I do want to voice up.

This is not to be controlling but is something to be addressed sooner or later. What do the vets think of the firmer approach taken by Maximus?
AAnytime I have laid a boundary or being verbally unhappy W has never pulled away and may even have reacted better. Not to improve things but to ensure status quo remains. Maybe I am not explaining this fully but just an observation.

Thanks for reading.

[job]

Here's the link to the reconnection thread that I wrote many years ago.

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection (new)

Replay can be shorter or longer than two years and what you are reading about replay is just a guideline. It will take as long as it takes for them to get through their issues. As I pointed out earlier, the stages and timelines written by others is most likely based on their own crisis and/or their spouses. Each person is unique and so is their crisis.

I wouldn't say anything to your W about her not wearing her wedding rings. If and when she's ready, she'll put them back on. This has to be her choice and not one to appease you. Okay?

When you express yourself to her, don't point fingers or come off as controlling, i.e., like a father and/or authority figure would. Use the "I" word often and not the "You" word. Look her in the eye and speak to her in a calm and even tone.

If you have found something that works for you...stick to it. It's okay to try different things...but if they don't work...drop them and do not use them again. Keep in mind...you have to dig deeper for patience and do not attempt to rush the process. Things have to be taken in "slow mode" for them as they are emotionally fragile. Just as you would a kitten or skittish colt, allow them to come to you, reach out carefully and gently to pet them. If they run, drop crumbs of friendship and allow them to come to you again and again until they feel safe. Once they feel comfortable, then you ever so gently begin a new friendship and hopefully you don't get over excited and push for more because it takes a long time for them to trust and want more from the relationship.

Dig deeper for patience and don't rush the process.

[roist]

I'll put another patience shovel on my Christmas list.

Thanks job for your reactivity and ever presence here. And especially for your wise words.

[roist]

Yesterday I spoke with a mate of mine, who is a WH. He is in the process of separating. Regardless of our different views on things, I listened as an unjudging friend, without any opinions.

He came across as logical and not uncaring. It was interesting to see his side of things. One point he made rang home to me.

He and his W have not been happy together a long long time. He stated he knows many couples continue to live that way but that is not a way to live. Yes the children's happiness needs to be considered but also that of the parents. Living in an unhappy M, I can understand that. It is not a way tolive.

He recently told W about OW. He understands why his W considers it that he cheated on her!! I said I agreed with her. His belief is that they were dead as a couple for years and he is not leaving for someone else. That is secondary or at worst just quickened the inevitable.

He is not aware of my situation.

On a separate note, with my job I work in other peoples homes.I observe snippits of how other couples interact. I see some blatantly poor interactions at times. Poor tones. Superiority complexes.inconsideration. some nice guy symptoms and I hear words that show disrespect/undermineb the other, even though probably not intentionally.It saddens me that I get to see such interactions as if they are present when an outsider can observe it , those couples are in danger without realising it yet.

I too would not have noticed such stuff before.I am thankful that I am now aware or such dynamics and their consequences. When my crisis is over I would not mind being trained as a DB coach. Maybe Michelle could do with one in Europe!!

However all the stuff I observe in other couples is not all bad. I am finishing a long job in a friends house. He is talky by nature with everyone.He talks a lot with his W about everything and anything.Their interactions ate great to hear. Then I come home to the opposite.Sometimrs awareness has a price.

Best wishes

[Esame]

Roist as soon as you open you UK based divorce busting therapy place, I'll sign up with you!

I don't agree with your friend, I think there are other options to being unhappy in a marriage. I hope you are well, take care..

[roist]

Of course there are. I doubt he would believe me though!!

[roist]

Happy thanksgiving to all ye Americans out there and heck to everyone else too. Believe it or not we all have a lot to be thankful for.

I'll take the opportunity to wish myself a happy 21 years together too, assuming we are still together at the weekend