Had a good session with IC tonight. She pushes me to stay focused on myself, especially now that my W has stated she wants a D which is good, I need help with that focus.
After the session I went over to my SS11's dad's house to hang out with him for a while. He's hurting so much and so angry at his mom right now. W told him she was in love with someone else so I had to go away so she could be happy. Or that's what I got from what SS said. He's holding her accountable and I'm not sure how to help him handle that. He has every right to be angry, but I don't want to encourage him being rude to his mother. He's vowed to hate the OW as well to which I just replied that if she truly makes his mother happy he needs to keep an open mind, and eventually an open heart. It is so hard to see him hurting so much.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
As a step parent to a SD10, I can relate. Your W is his mom and the anger will subside. Don't bring up OW or W to him, enjoy your time with him and try to change the subject when and if he brings them up. Been there, made that mistake already. Glad your IC session went well!
Hi fighting, I like your name because that says a lot about your intention, either it's fighting your depression or your M. Life can be so complicated. I am reading your posts, picturing you taking care of your SS. Maybe my son will be okay one day being someone else's SS. I didn't enjoy my experience being a SD. But who knows!
I went through a bit of postnatal depression myself. I read somewhere that one must befriend their emotions. Just don't act on them. It helps me. It's okay to fear, be upset, these feelings need to be rightfully feel. But just don't act on them. Wait 24 hours then see what happen.
Hope you find that useful too:)
Me: 33 H: 32 T: 10 years M: 2 BD: Aug 2016 H moved out Aug 20, 2016 S: 17 months old
Yesterday we did talk about it some, but that was his dad's decision. His dad didn't know what was going on until I asked him if he was okay with me visiting my SS once a week when he has him. He was blown away so he wanted to discuss it further and when I mentioned my SS not be present his dad just said he needs to the hear the truth and not just what his mother told him so I didn't fight it. However, I have no desire to belabor the conversation with my SS. I do want to just enjoy my time with him and continue to build a strong R with him.
Yeah, me too. I haven't found a therapist I have liked in the past so I finally feel heard which is nice.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Thanks, Maybe. At this point I'm just fighting for myself, for my own happiness and to find myself again, or really for the first time ever. As an adult I've always been attached to someone else, defined myself by someone else and I'm ready to let that go. My W doesn't want a M with me anymore, and we're separating until she can afford to file for a D. I don't want a D so I told her that's on her. I can't really fight for my M at this point, I can only focus on myself and if my WW returns I will have a decision to make. For now it is all about me!
My SS hated his previous step-parent before me, but he and I really bonded and it is turning his world upside down. I know he will be okay though. He loves his mom and he will see she's happy and I know that will put him at ease. I believe your son will be okay with being a SS as long as you choose carefully who that person is.
The not acting on my emotions I'm still struggling with. I don't text my W or anything like that, but sometimes I'm rude to her when we're both at home. I haven't detached yet, but after I move that will be much easier.
Yes I do find it useful. Thank you for the advice!
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Yesterday was such a great day. I was strong and happy, but today I am feeling pretty empty. The fact that I'm moving out of my home and this life that I've built for over the last 3 years is really sinking in. While I certainly do want to change myself for the better, this isn't how I wanted to do it. Maybe it was the only way and that's why I'm here. I don't know. I waver between wanting my W back (I know she'll never be the same) and trying to accept that I have to move on without her. It's been 2 weeks since I went from what I thought was happily married to moving out. My head is spinning and I'm hurting.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
Yesterday was such a great day. I was strong and happy, but today I am feeling pretty empty. The fact that I'm moving out of my home and this life that I've built for over the last 3 years is really sinking in. While I certainly do want to change myself for the better, this isn't how I wanted to do it. Maybe it was the only way and that's why I'm here. I don't know. I waver between wanting my W back (I know she'll never be the same) and trying to accept that I have to move on without her. It's been 2 weeks since I went from what I thought was happily married to moving out. My head is spinning and I'm hurting.
Wavering back is definitely the hard part. I think what really helps me is the realization that the wife I want back doesn't exist anymore...There is no going back.
Instead, I look forward to a new relationship. And maybe, that new relationship can be with the person my wife has become once she sorts through all of this. If not, that's ok too.
Also...do you know what made me feel better? Standing up to her. I ALWAYS backed down in our relationship, and even after she went wayward...out of fear that she would leave. But when I finally realized that SHE ALREADY LEFT, that fear was gone and I stood up for myself. And today I feel like a million bucks.
Yeah, I'm a doormat and the night before we were home together for a while before she took SS to his dad's and bailed to the OW's. During that time I was mostly friendly or at least civil, but overall aloof and she hates that. I don't know if maybe me making sure I'm taking care of my own feelings instead of letting her put me in the friend-zone is what made me feel so good yesterday or not. Probably so though. We haven't had any contact since then other than to sort out finances via text a couple of times yesterday.
That's what she does now, if SS isn't there she spends her nights at the OW's which at first left me feeling pretty empty, but now just a bit "eh, whatever" or at worst, mad. I'm looking forward to moving out just so I don't have to see that all the time, but I will my home, my bed, and especially my SS.
Me: 35 W: 32 MR: 2y T: 3.5y SS11 BD: 11/3/16 EA: 10/26/16 PA: 11/11/16 W asks for S/D & ILYBINILWY 11/13/16 Status: I moved out 11/19/16, GAL I filed for D: 12/14/16 D-day: 3/10/17
fightin, I am sorry you find yourself here. She is moving fast. Wow, that is rough. I can really sympathize with your sitch. You mention you are a doormat and she wants to put you in the friend zone. The fact that you are aware of that is great and you can start working on how to change that now. There is a great book about no longer being a Nice Guy by Glover that has really been life changing for my H. I know you are a woman, but perhaps it could be helpful too? It has helped him break codependency, put his needs first, and he is more able to stand up to people now.
Your WW is deep in the fog. Her fog is THICK. The way she is pushing for D and for OW to move in, and in such a short amount of time, is just ridiculous! I am concerned for your SS and how this will impact him. Children need consistency and stability. Perhaps you can still provide that for him. I do not believe for one second that OW makes her happy or that she will be happy with these changes. Happiness and change do not come from other people, they come from within. She is very troubled and in denial.
So while you cannot help her understand this, you can learn this for yourself and make the changes you need for YOU. I think you are off to a good start. Keep posting and reading, lean on your IC and friends/family for support, and take a giant step back from her crazy town.
She doesn't need, or frankly deserve, to know where you are at, feeling, thinking, or planning. It's extremely passive aggressive to walk all over your and then expect friendship from you. It's abusive. You owe her nothing and no explanations. Her world will come crashing down, but you don't need to be any part of that or catch her when she falls.
So keep taking care of you. Read Sandi's rules every morning and live by them. Stay far away from her, get strong, and only return communication by being a "polite and detached neighbor." No cake eating for her! You will get through this. As hard as this is for us, if we can stay the course and learn to love ourselves more, we will find the brightest silver linings in a terrible sitch. You can do this!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
