Wife had affair now moved out

[doodler]

Wes25,

You are so full of pursuit that it's even turning me off. You're such a good guy, but you seem so weak and needy that I'm going to have to go elsewhere.

What I want is to wake up one day and turn on the news and find out that Wes has slayed a dragon and thwarted Dr. Evil's attempt to take over the world. Why didn't he ever mention that at tough guy was lurking under that gentle surface? Now I want Wes more than ever...

[j20a00g]

Wes25,

You are so full of pursuit that it's even turning me off. You're such a good guy, but you seem so weak and needy that I'm going to have to go elsewhere.

What I want is to wake up one day and turn on the news and find out that Wes has slayed a dragon and thwarted Dr. Evil's attempt to take over the world. Why didn't he ever mention that at tough guy was lurking under that gentle surface? Now I want Wes more than ever...

Yup!!!

Struggling to afford your house but you are making her car payments?

[Wes25]

Thanks guys. You are right. I am being weak and only hurting myself. I have to commit to being stronger and doing things for myself.

[fightin]

Wes, I feel you, I truly do! For me it has been only 2 weeks since the BD so I get the raw emotions, but as you admitted, the other posters are right. I've struggled with being weak myself. I've always been a doormat and when you're in crisis mode it is easy to become an even bigger one in an attempt to save your M, but it does the exact opposite.

Take it day-by-day, and breath-by-breath. You're learning, you'll make mistakes, but just make sure you learn from them and grow from them. You'll be okay and so will your daughter, it just takes lots of time and patience with ourselves.

[Wes25]

I find myself wishing I knew that my M was done for good. Wishing that she wasn't acting like a coward, don't run away from your problems, instead either commit that we are both hurt so it's time to work on it or there is no going back and it's time for us to move on. I'd rather be weak than a coward.

I know the DR is to help me move on as much as its to try and save my M but if I could take the thought of someday she may come around out of my mind then the GAL and detaching would be so much easier.

I hate the rules. Sometimes I think the divorces that end in blowups and hatred have it right. At least they know there is no going back.

I also wish I was that strong person that was steadfast in the if you have sex with another person while married then the marriage is over.

Am I the only one that is suffering with this? Please tell me this is normal.

[Steady9]

I suppose that is the trick.... how do you do the right things when it is emotional and your life.

Try viewing your situation like a movie... and what would you be thinking about your character ... what would you say to your character?

Or this thought exercise -- you are 50 years old, confident comfortable and happy. What would think about how you are handling current situation?

It is hard and it [censored] when it is you. Now you have to man up-- try one of the two thought exercises above. Think it over and over everyday for hours. Now let your wife go - let her go. Give up emotions that are inside you about her.

Ok now you can be polite when you talk to her like she is a cashier at a food store but you are not going to lose sleep over what they say.

Best to let her go like she is not coming back... sure she may come back but guess what.. more work for that too. Now that she has been with someone else and the lying...

If you can truly let her go and GAL-- that is your best option for all good outcomes for the future. You will get through it and think about 10 years from now-- what will you think about how you handled it. Do this every day.

[sandi2]

The part that is eating me alive is when I watch my normally outgoing D become shy and scared to be left alone even for an instant. I can't help but feel like I failed my daughter. When she is with me I out on a happy face for her and we fill out time together but I can't help but feel sad. It was always a family together, it's supposed to be that for her. I never wanted any of this.

She is only six, so it will probably bother you more to move than it will your daughter. My family moved a lot when I was in elementary school. Moving to another house was not an issue for me. Your little girl will take her cues from you.

I've begun to question myself over the last couple days, why am I fighting so much for someone who put us in this place and is not fighting for us

.

As the days pass, you will be able to think more clearly without the fearful emotions running in high gear. I hope you read that post I sent about DBing detaching. I have a question for you. How much time do you spend hanging out with other guys?

She left because she needs to find herself and I'm left to pick myself up. We'll that is becoming easier when I don't focus on her. I don't know if that is detaching but whatever it is, it's working.

I would say not focusing on her 24/7 is a good beginning. Now maybe try some other detaching steps.

Btw, your W did not leave to find herself. That was a lie she fed you. She is speaking from the WW script. You will have better days, and then there may be things that will be difficult to endure. This is the time for you to become knowledgable and store up strength, b/c you will use it to carry you through this terrible ordeal.

All that pursuing stuff you said to her in the phone call kind of sets you back, but just be determined that you will do better today. Take it a day at a time. But since we are on the subject of pursuit...........no, you don't say those things to her. You can say those things here on the board, or say it in the wind, but do NOT say it to a WW! And........don't ask her out on a date when she is having an affair. Don't consider dating until you see a change of behavior and attitude in her. But she probably has a long way to go before that happens. There will be a lot of internal work she has to do in order to have a successful reconciliation.

I find myself wishing I knew that my M was done for good. Wishing that she wasn't acting like a coward, don't run away from your problems, instead either commit that we are both hurt so it's time to work on it or there is no going back and it's time for us to move on. I'd rather be weak than a coward.

I am going to bluntly tell you that she is not acting like a coward, nor is she running away instead of working on the M like you are looking at it. It's like she's in a time zone ahead of you. She is way past that stuff ^^^^^ at this point. You are just waking up and now are willing to work on things, but she is done with the M and has sights on a different life......and another man. She is in open rebellion of you and the M. The more you profess your love and ask her if she still loves you, etc., the less she is attracted to you. That may blow your mind, but it is the wayward mindset she has at this point. She does not want to hear you pleading with her and putting all that emotional pressure on her. It kills any chance of her having loving feelings for you........and if she says "yes" to any of your pressure, it is simply to keep you available for her to use. I hope you will think of this the next time you feel you just have to tell her again.

I have read newcomer H's who want to know the outcome without doing the hard work. Well, life just doesn't work that way. You seem to think if you had a means of knowing she would never go back to you that you could detach and GAL. There have been some LBH'S who were divorced and still wasn't able to detach.........and they realized they had no life apart from the M and wouldn't get off their backsides to just try it. My guess is that you have been so dependent on the MR, that you really don't know how to GAL apart from your W. I think my first post to you was answering a question you had about GAL. You never said squat, so IDK if you even read it. That's fine, but I want you to realize you have to help yourself in the steps of improving. The two things successful DBers have said that changed their life for the better was 1) detaching, and 2) GAL. So, there really is something behind it and we are not just blowing in the wind.

Your emotions are leading you and making you think you'll never be able to be a strong, confident man without your W by your side. Other men have said the same things you are saying. They pushed up their sleeves and got serious about doing the personal and necessary work on themselves.........and became strong. Their confidence excelled. They became emotionally stable, and even realized they did not need the W in order to be happy. There is a difference in wanting and needing. Happiness is your choice and your responsibility.

[Wes25]

Thank you Sandi. Like much of the advice that I have received on here, you are absolutely correct

My life has always been about the MR. I think I am really struggling to find my identity and who I am. We grew up together so I was never really an individual. Always identified as a couple.

I have been going to the gym alot, beginning to run and trying to become much healthier.

As for male friends yes I have some problem being is when we moved away (2 hours) I never made friends here as I was so dependent on the MR. Now I go back as much as possible but working and shared custody it doesn't leave much time. That is a goal of have made for myself.

[coffee_]

Thank you Sandi. Like much of the advice that I have received on here, you are absolutely correct

My life has always been about the MR. I think I am really struggling to find my identity and who I am. We grew up together so I was never really an individual. Always identified as a couple.

I have been going to the gym alot, beginning to run and trying to become much healthier.

As for male friends yes I have some problem being is when we moved away (2 hours) I never made friends here as I was so dependent on the MR. Now I go back as much as possible but working and shared custody it doesn't leave much time. That is a goal of have made for myself.

I know exactly how you feel, I had all my eggs in that basket. During the M I perceived that I didn't but as my STBXW and I draw further apart, I am realizing that most of my social life was with her. I have done the GAL thing quite well I think. I have spent my time Hunting, meeting with the friends that I do have that aren't mutual. Finding new friends with similar interests. Cooking, I love to cook! I continue to work hard, or sometimes...I just fake it. I am also learning how to be alone, an important part of GAL I think. At first I felt I needed to fill my quiet time with others, but now I realize its okay to have some quiet time. During the M I did enjoy my quite "me" time, just tinkering in the shop listening to music or podcasts etc. I think GAL also includes resuming the things that you have personally enjoyed in the past. For me all that stuff was put on hold once BD hit. With the holidays looming I am feeling quite isolated, I have lost half of my family (her side) which is local. My family is 3 1/2 hours away. Friends are starting to get busy with holiday stuff, which is understandable. So I am starting to look at new activities to get me out there doing things, I don't want to become a hermit for crying out loud! I am looking into teaching a cooking class or joining a volunteer board.
It's okay to think about things, but do the best you can to dedicate time to it so you don't obsess, so try to set aside some time during the day to think about it. Maybe when your on the toilet..haha!
Be the man only a fool would leave..if she leaves well you have your answer, if things work out you'll be a better man for it. I've heard that it takes 66 days to develop a habit...get cracking man, time is wasting.