Vey detached, no longer anxious, in limbo

[Phoebe]

So, another block of time has passed, and things seem ok most of the time, until they don't.

Tomorrow H-friend is coming over to my place for the first time and we're going to make soap, bake bread, hike my land, and just hang out. I ought to be cleaning or organizing, but instead I just spent the last hour or so looking at photos from the last few years. Why would I do that to myself? I think I was just looking for any clues to help me understand what happened. All I got were reminders.

Nothing specific going on, and no response from STBXWH since I replied to his email. Except that his checks are late to me and to my lawyer. Passive aggressive behavior or just running late? No idea.

Anyway, I'm just having a sad kind of night. A bit of the old waterworks, a whole lot of resignation, and a sprinking of anxiety just to round things out. In just a few weeks it will be a full year since WH disappeared, and it still just hurts sometimes. Part of me thinks that a year is quite long enough to be over it already, but the rest of me can't help but think that one year isn't nearly enough to counterbalance the pain of losing someone after 25 years, particularly when I still can't make sense of the loss. I don't want him back. I want to move on, yet I still grieve the loss of what once was.

This, too, shall pass. That's what I keep telling myself.

Good night everyone.