Thank you. This is a website that gives so much without judging. I know one day I will be in a position to give back, and even unfortunately, I know there will always be more people in need of help and direction. The support I always got here during my good, not so good, bad and darkest moments.
Now, updating on my situation...
The week of 11/7 to 11/11 there was no contact from XH. Total silence. I sent him a nice text on 11/8 but nothing back and left it alone for the rest of the week.
11/11 he came to the house to pick up the kids. He was very pleasant and one of the boys mention that saturday morning I would be helping the church on giving breakfast for the homeless. He asked me and I confirmed. He saw I had stuff to prepare sandwiches and cookie bags on the kitchen table.
Well, this time I did not ask for his help and tough he would not help. They came back and XH comes in. He then asked if he could help with the sandwiches and I said of course, that would be lovely and that I need the help.
We did it, he helped a lot and we talked a lot too. It was very nice. We did everything together, helping each other. There were no conflict. I was super calm, not anxious at all. He was smiling at times.
We talked about different stuff but there was also things about us here and there. We also talked about us and were we are. I said to him that it is still very difficult for me and that I was thinking to stop going to the church and avoid being around him.
He said I was making a mistake, that all what was done till now and I think it will be better to give up on it all. I said that he never invited me to go to that church, that he never really come to the house to see me or to talk to me, that I am the one putting myself in his way. That I am tired of all this and that I feel it is easier to just accept and move one.
He insisted I am making a mistake and then said that he does not have any right to ask me anything and that he understands if I don't want to be close to him.
When he left he said he was not sure he would go to the church saturday morning since he was tired and just coming back from a week long business trip.
It didn't feel good the way he was leaving and I didn't like what I did. So, I walked to his car and we talked more:
Me - XH, I am sorry I said all what I said. I wish you can understand how hard it is to feel this way. XH - I understand what you said. But I also think that you feel a little different then you say. Me - I do, but I am afraid I am lying to myself and there will be more pain because I am a romantic idiot. XH - You are not an idiot, you know I have no life anywhere else. Pink, I am a man that is divorced for 1 year and 3 months and I am still alone, I could not have anyone else in my life. I do not have any life. The fact that I told you I went for a coffee with a woman other day, is because I never want to lie to you again. I want you to trust me. And that woman meant nothing to me. Me - If I believe in what my heart knows about you, then I will have hope. But, this hope can hurt me again. XH - I know, you are afraid and I am afraid. That's why we need to be friends. Me - You and this friend stuff again, like I am not your friend. XH - I want you to see a part of "The Last Samurai" movie, where the samurai talks to Tom Cruise for the first time, and then you will understand what I mean. Me - Ok, I will. XH - And then let me know what you understood. Me - Alright. XH, one thing that bugs me the most is that you can fight for your job, career, school, golf and whatever, but you can't fight for your family, not even give it a shot. XH - I really want you to see that movie and then you will realize what I am doing.
We then talked about his father. It was his father's death anniversary. He said that now he feels sad but he accept his father was sick and died when he was so young. That his father never abandoned him, that it was never his father intention to get sick and die. That he came to terms with this in every cell of his body.
It is very sad. I always felt very sad for him and all what happen in his life. But this time I actually showed him I have sympathy for his pain and respect it.
Well, he left and we were in good terms. When we hugged goodbye, I said to him that I would love to love him this way we are now, that I feel so much freedom when we talk. He smiled and said that we are in the right path.
I was a little late on saturday morning and in the way to church got a call from XH. XH - Morning Pink, where are you? Me - I am in my way to church, wake up late but I am almost there. XH - I am here already, will see you soon then. Me - OK.
When I got there he came to my car to let me know about some parking because the church parking lot was full. Weird, but he took his car from parking and went to park close to me. Then we walked together to meet the other people. He was very nice and smiling again.
We did the food distribution walking all over the city - XH was close to me most of the time. We even separated in small groups to cover more areas and he said: - Pink, we should go to X place. I did it all, but I confess that it feels awkward.
At the end we were walking back to church to meet with the big group and it was just so pleasant. We got there and he said he would go to the restroom. Wow, even that he tells me now.
I saw there was only two breakfast burrito left and got one for him and one for myself. When he came, he said he was hoping there was some left and I said that they were all gone. He made a sad face like playing and then I said: Don't be sad, I got one for you. I know you are hungry, we have been walking a lot.
He was happy, thanked me and gave me a kiss on my chic.
We were together with other members from the church and I checked the sweet pastry they had at the table. XH asked what I was doing and I said that I was dreaming about some sugar. He smiled and said that he was thinking the same and asked if we could share one. We did, and then we shared another one.
Towards the end he asked if we could leave, and then we walked together to the car. We hugged for a moment before getting into our cars, and he said he would be at the house in about an hour.
And he came, and we talked more.
Then he left with the kids to see a movie and to have dinner. When they came back he came in the house and asked if he would see me at church next morning and I said he would. He smiled and said that he was looking forward to it.
I need to go now but I want to finish and there is a lot more to come... Later
