My firest court date on my fins is with two days of yours. We can get journalling together.
V
I'm good with that Vanilla, journaling is good, it has helped me throughout this whole mess. So lets see, yesterday I met with my L. It was good, I am beginning to feel no matter what I end up with after this is all said and done I will feel like I got the shaft. I have to remember, its just stuff and money and I can rebuild. I don't need much to live and be happy. I am happy for the most part, and the only thing I feel now for my STBXW is some sort of unconditional love. That is...I do love her and did love her for all these years, so with that I know I need to forgive her, not for her but for me. I need to do that so I can look back at the latest half of my life and remember the happy times. There where many. Will we ever be friends, no probably never. We are in discovery mode right now, she has been the bookkeeper in our family for a long time, so when I filed there where several holes in the financials that I couldn't get my hands on. I wanted to file and then tell her. When I told her she asked "don't you think this is a bit premature"? I was angry, hurt, scared, and alone. I was not the man I wanted to be and could't break free of that curse that was placed on my psyche when I finally discovered her extramarital relationships. I was confused, unsure, mean at times,my self confidence was diminished to zero. My work was failing, my relationship with my son was wavering. I had to be done and move on. I know now that I made the right decision to file for the D. I know that, given her reaction to my discovery (which was mostly that should could care less that I found out and no remorse) there was no future relationship as it was, and no future relationship as a renewed type. I would never trust her again, she just made many personal decisions that absolutely wrecked my trust for her, my trust was totaled and headed to the scrap yard...gone. I will never trust that women. I however am pretty smart and know that I cant let that trust issue carry over into future relationships, I understand that all people are different. When someone tells me they love me, I will trust them, until they give me a reason not to. I won't hold on to them as long as I did with my STBXW if they shatter that trust, I will make myself vulnerable in love again.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
