This used to be way easier - and a lot more fun!

[DonH]

While I've been shooting my mouth off over all sorts of other threads here, I've not updated mine in several weeks. I started to - twice actually - but never got far. Hopefully the third time's the charm.

Thanks for all of the comments! Oddly enough I don't think all that much about the addiction past - not that I'm "cured" or anything (there is no cure)just that it's well managed, including with some medication, and I'm doing very well there and hope to for the rest of my life. Still, I do appreciate the comments and compliments.

So my last major post was about 2.5 weeks ago prior to a weekend trip. The weekend was awesome! I had so much fun seeing and staying with some friends I've not seen for over a year. My stress and anxiety were nowhere to be found. I felt totally myself. Then I came back home... Hmmmmmmmm, perhaps that's a sign.

Clearly GAL helps and works - and I've already known that. My struggle is doing it. Nearly without fail every time I'm hesitant of doing something or have to force myself, once I go I'm so glad I did and always think, "I need to do this more." Part of the problem is lack of opportunity. I try, I call, I eamil, but people have lives and are often busy. Plus, most of my friends have spouses and families. The other stumbling block is my schedule. I'll sometimes go a long streak - just had one - where I'm busy every weekend with band gigs. I then lose routine touch with friends until I get to a patch, like now, where I've got open weekends again. It then just comes down to if they are open or not.

At least I'm not feeling that impending depression thing that I was fearing, but I clearly still feel stuck and I've been trying to do a lot of thinking and reading about it. Where I keep coming back to is it's as if I'm returning back to my earlier years. When I was in high school and college I rarely had a GF. I had a lot of friends who were girls, I had girls I was interested in but was often friend zoned. It wasn't really until I was about 27 or 28 where I became "me" or at least the me I wanted to be and enjoyed the most. I don't know how to explain how it changed or even what all changed but I was just much more confident, dated a lot and never thought about any of it - I just lived. That went on right through meeting ExW and honestly up to the day that the bomb was dropped on me. Since then, it's been a regretion back to nearly feeling like the guy I was in high school and college. How did this happen? How did I lose my confidence? I'm still happy on balance, I certainly am sad less, upset less, struggle less than I did when I was married but I also seem to enjoy life less. I don't have the big downs, the fights, the worry, the stress of a R and family but I don't have the good things that come with that either.

I've dabbled back OLD but other than exchanging some emails that's about it. Had an interesting experience this past weekend although I have no clue what went on. Was with the same band Friday and Saturday at a new German Beer Hall type place. I've seen this lady before but don't know her or the friends she's often with. They were in on Friday and I got the sense she was interested. That was slightly confirmed on Saturday when she came back with just one other friend. So I thought I'd follow what I thought was her lead. Well either I did something that turned her off or she was never interested in the first place as it went nowhere. Wash, rinse, repeat - back to the high school rut.

Have an open weekend other than Sunday and hope to push myself to do something. I've been wanting to following up with V (the women I've dated a few times over the past year who lives several states away) but just don't have the ambition. Have a list of a half dozen others I really should and want to reach out to. I keep thinking I'll do it tomorrow. I need to just DO IT. I know this. It's just hard to do sometimes.

Regardless, I am anticipating a fun, fun time over the extended Thanksgiving weekend. I'll again be out of state and with many friends - combined with some music performance things including being in a band of very high quality players for a show - need to bone up on my site reading skills - something I also have not done much of since high school.

I don't know that I've done anything other than ramble but at least it's an update. It's been a long 10 years where very clearly, this used to be way easier and a whole lot more fun!