It feels completely normal and I question is this really happening because we get along well. She is checked out but is very nice to me...
Bman72,
Her behavior is she because she wants her cake and eat it too. It's highly likely that there's another man in the picture and she wants both of you and her family. In her mind, she just has to finesse everything so that she keeps her family, sans the marriage, and the other guy as well. What could be better?
Exactly what I was going to say. This script is 100% what cheaters say, and how they act.
The I love you but not in love with you speech is wayward code for "I'm in love with someone else"
Women, in general, "romantically" love one man at a time. In order to exclude you with the "ILYBNILWY" speech there, necessarily, has to be another man as a point of comparison.
DON'T ASK HER. If she's cheating or in love with someone else she'll just lie and deny. Once you actually KNOW about an affair, DB instructs us not to snoop because it becomes an obsession and obstructs ones ability to detach HOWEVER, snooping is the best (and often he only) way to ascertain the truth about your life. If she's cheating, she won't tell you so you need to investigate the truth about your life yourself clandestinely. If you determine she's not cheating, then you confirmed you're dealing with a walkaway wife and can continue as you've been doing HOWEVER, if she's wayward you best not be condoning her manipulative plan to take turns for years living in some one bedroom apartment while she sneaks some other man into your home AND the one bedroom apt behind your back.
If there is an OM (means "other man") in this situation, it's probable that he is married and doesn't want to divorce his wife either. You mentioned she's in college and has this (recent) disdain for being a mom and enjoys her academics so I'm guessing OM is a fellow student or, more likely, a professor (notorious OM's).
Again - don't tip her off you are suspicious. Inspect what you expect and verify you aren't being played the fool.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Listen to Georgia Bulldogs. I second everything he just said. I'd bet my salary there is an OM. I hate to say that but we've just seen it too many times. Many of us have lived it. Your W is following a cheater script to a tee. It's important for you to find out because it does change your DB strategy.
Sorry you're here. Get a copy of DR and get a DB coach if at all possible. I know time zones make this challenging but it is your marriage at stake, well worth the trouble.
Hello Bman72,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It is going to sound like there is an echo around here since she seems to want all the benefits and comforts of married life without the marriage (cake eating).
Zues126- Thanks for the vote of confidence regarding the DB Telephone Coaching. We work with many, many overseas clients and the time difference isn't an issue.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
So I have been getting on with my life, we live under the same roof, sleep in the same bed, kiss each other good morning, kiss and hug when we go to work and again when we get home, the other night when we said good night out hands met and she grabbed my hand and held it for about ten minutes. When we sleep if we bed she does not Pull away. She hasn't mentioned leaving for the last few weeks but did tell a close friend about two weeks ago that she is leaving me. I try not to let her actions affect me either way but of course detatching is an ongoing process. I am confused about trying to build connection with her as opposed to backing right off because of her interactions with me.
M 44/ W43 TOGETHER 26 YRS M16 S13/S10 ILYBANILWY JULY 16 STILL LIVING IN SAME HOUSE
It helps to find the data of OM confirming A-- at least for me it was. My W would deny for ever but I was able to find out. She was using FB messenger and deleting everything- no email text or phone records. I ended up being able to record a call be leaving my phone recording ap on and leaving phone at house...I feel bad about it. But that is what I did. But I was able to get my thoughts together- believe our M was in trouble- know she is a liar - and move forward with a plan.
When I said I was letting her go and I stopped kissing etc then later said I know about A--by then she knew I knew because of interactions... but we were able to move forward. She cut off all contact from OM.
I would have never thought my W would do this. She says the same...
It is normal for W to have affairs -- it is not abnormal...that is what I think now. Assume there is another in the picture
H (me) 52, W 42 M 15 D14, S12 PA June and Sept 2016 Found out Sept, confronted Oct NC with OM since Oct, remorseful Dating since Nov
So I have been getting on with my life, we live under the same roof, sleep in the same bed, kiss each other good morning, kiss and hug when we go to work and again when we get home, the other night when we said good night out hands met and she grabbed my hand and held it for about ten minutes. When we sleep if we bed she does not Pull away.
These are the type of actions any normal marriage couple would have, right? Yet, you know your W is threatening to leave and possibly be in an affair. As crazy as it may seem, there have been many reports about WW's who do the same outward motions, but it's another picture inside her heart. Sadly, after the bomb drop, some H's see these motions as progress. However, nothing has changed.
In most cases when there is a wayward wife, things will get worse before real progress takes place. The reason being is b/c her disrespect and resentment toward you has deteriorated her loving feelings for her H. She may have been going through the motions for a long time, but the attraction/desire has been absent a long time.
You can't find the answer to this issue under 10 Ways to have a Better Marriage, or whatever bubblegum advice you see in magazine articles, or even in some of the books out there about marriage. The subject of wayward wives is not as popular, and a lot of H's had rather be in denial......or believe his W is having a MLC.....or anything other than being wayward. I think waywardness can change faster than a MLC. That doesn't mean it happens in every case, but I think it could if the H would take the action necessary to gain respect from his WW. The way women are emotionally/mentally designed, she has to respect her H as a man, before she can desire him. If she doesn't have respect for him, she won't have the loving feelings for him. IMHO, having her respect needs to be at the top of your working on the marriage list.
Your M can be saved! One requirement is to have your b@lls firmly attached, b/c she is going to play every card in the WW deck to manipulate you. She is not the girl you married (at least, I hope she's not). I talk about tough love, b/c it takes love and and toughness when dealing with a wayward wife. Being passive, trying to connect with her, and using a soft approach is not going to change her resentment and disrespect. She has to see a strong, confident man who is not afraid to set boundaries. Women prefer, and need, for the H to be stronger than she is. If he is weak, she'll tear him apart.
When she is convinced you will not pursue her and that she can't manipulate you.......and when she is convinced that you will no longer tolerate her disrespectful attitude/speech/behavior.........then she will begin to respect you as a man. But she has to have proof, and she will test you to see. I believe it is when she gets concerned that you no longer are emotionally attached to her & the marriage, that causes her to reconsider her actions. If she thinks she could actually be losing you........she will more likely realize she still has love for you. How much do you think your W is concerned she could lose you? No, this is not for a typical, healthy marriage relationship........but you that is not what you have. Waywards do not have the mindset of a rational, healthy W. Your M is not normal. She has the mindset of a rebellous teenager.......only worse. To continue interacting as though she didn't drop a bomb on the M, doesn't work with WW's. The WW wants you to be her friend, cuddle with her, comfort her and tell her to have fun as she goes out the door to meet OM. This is what she wants.........but it is not what gets successful results.
Now I am not telling you to run out and file for a divorce. In fact, don't jump into anything until you check it out here, b/c you are too fragile and are wanting a magic action that will fix all of this stuff. You will need to read a lot and gain DBing information.
Good for you for making the decision to work on yourself. Do you have any particular goals in mind?
You will get a lot of encouragement to get a life (GAL). That means you get away from her and the house and go do whatever you enjoy doing. It has positive results!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
