Wife has filed for divorce

[Cadet]

She has told me that the things I do around the house, me having a positive attitude, and getting my boys together weekly to talk about things like integrity, manners, ect. to help raise them to be good men just irritates her. She said she's seen this in the past and will get her hopes up only to have them crushed because it doesn't last. She told me this just last Friday.

She is angry that she has no career now that she wants to leave me and that she should have left me years ago, angry at herself but blames me for her choices to stay at home and homeschool our kids all these years. She only stayed in this marriage because of the kids and fear of not being able to support herself and fear of breaking up the family she always wanted. Emotionally she is not well but is seeking no help to my knowledge, I'm guessing she doesn't even want to try individual counseling again because the first step would be to see if there was a way to work things out with me.

You did not break her and you can not FIX her.

Step away from her turmoil and focus on yourself.
You can only FIX yourself.

[ngs]

Yes, thanks for the reassurance. I know I can only control and work on myself, today is one of those days where I'm allowing my thoughts to get away from me. I'm very good at letting her negativity just slide at home and not affect me.

[ngs]

Well actually spent about an hour in the same room, living room, last night and my wife was talking and even laughing a bit, mostly with the kids but sometimes she was actually talking directly to me although she avoids most eye contact. I would laugh as well and discussed and asked questions referring to things she was talking about. I know that means absolutely nothing and I read nothing into it as our marriage has been an absolute mess for so long, but it was just nice for at least a night to feel much less tension.

Also, I coach my son's floor hockey team and I wanted to take another son to a concert tonight and she offered to facilitate hockey practice for me so I took her up on that.

It's such a strange thing the hatred I feel from my wife towards me now, and I understand because I have not been a great husband at many points in our relationship, but she has never acted like she hated me before. She is having a lot of struggles herself with the divorce even though she wants it, I just wish that we could get along during the process to make it easier on everyone.

I am back to my positive self today and I will continue to get better everyday through this process and whatever my W decides in the end I will be a better person either way.

I'm thankful for this forum because it gives me a place to discuss/vent and I also get to see what others are going through and comment and maybe help them as well.

[TxHubby]

Have you ever really understood how a betrayed spouse feels? Living with a wayward spouse, and that is what you are, who doesn't understand the pain of the betrayed spouse, which is what she is, is infuriating and heart-wrenching. Considering your past of serial cheating she knows there is no way you could possibly love her like a husband should love a wife.

I'd say you have a huge uphill battle on your hands. As a betrayed spouse myself the advice I can give you is that it's important for us to know that our cheating spouses really understand the pain they've caused. Understanding it to the point where you're absolutely crushed yourself with remorse and are damn near suicidal over it. If you're not that crushed over what you've done then we betrayed spouses see it as you don't really give a sh!t about the pain you've caused and you're not remorseful.

[ngs]

TxHubby - First I do thank you for response and I am sorry for what you have had to go through because no one deserves that, I went back through your thread. I really appreciate the perspective from the other side and I have read through many of them here.

My W never deserved what I have done to her, she is a perfect, beautiful, loyal W and all I could have ever hoped for in a woman. I have caused her so much undeserved pain and anguish in her life.

I spent many years with my mind feeling like it was tied in knots and constantly being pulled tighter, and this was a real physical pain that I felt and the only thing that felt like it would make it go away was suicide. The only reason I didn't was because I had a family to support that outweighed my selfish desire for suicide.

And I know and realized that the pain I felt was nowhere even close to the pain that I had caused to the person I loved the most. I have a really hard time living with myself knowing what I've done to her. I hope my previous posts have not come across as me being the victim because clearly I am not, I'm just someone still hoping my marriage can be saved.

You are the first betrayed spouse I have ever "talked" to outside of my marriage. I appreciate the response and your words and will always welcome more from you. I have 5 months till my divorce will be final and I understand why my w wants it even after these many years and I have only love for her, I have no anger towards her whatsoever for her filing.

[TxHubby]

I do want to help you but it's hard for me as a betrayed spouse to help a wayward spouse and I don't even know you. That's how bad it hurts us. As I said, you do have an uphill battle but people do get back together even after divorce sometimes. I just wanted to give you that tip. Somehow show her with actions that you do understand her pain and that you are truly remorseful for your past and that you can be a safe partner. I'm not saying it'll save the marriage, nothing might, but it might help.

[mvgfwd2]

ngs, besides the past cheating, have you been otherwise untrustworthy? Your infidelity created the loss of trust but your other actions since then may have also reinforced it to get your M to this point. It could be other big things or a bunch of little things that kept your W from regaining any trust in you.

[Cadet]

We have 3 boys ages 15, 13, 11. Our issues started when my wife was pregnant with our first son.

So help me understand, how did she possibly get pregnant with sons #2 and #3?
Have you been faithful ever since this first transgression?

Now 14 years later she does not forgive you?

Do I have the story right?

[Cristy]

Hello ngs,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Healing from infidelity is tough, and not impossible. There is much that can be done right now.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[ngs]

Somehow show her with actions that you do understand her pain and that you are truly remorseful for your past and that you can be a safe partner.

The problem is we were never able to work through our issues, she has never forgiven me but stayed with me "by sucking it up to keep our family together" is what she has told me. However now she is angry with everything and that she is in a place now where she feels like she gave up herself all these years and just wants out. She will only tell me I don't understand her pain, and I agree because from her point of view I don't understand what I have put her through. She won't let me in past her walls and she will not go to counseling with me or even by herself anymore and doesn't want to talk to me about anything. She tells me I don't understand but won't help me understand.