Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Hi Fightin,

Thanks for your comments I really do appreciate you taking the time to write them.

Just hang in there if you really do want this to work. If you're tired of trying, or you're just ready to really be done, then that is okay too. However, if you are truly committed to saving your M and DBing, you must figure out how to do better or you will only continue to push her away.

Thanks. I go up and down every day on what I really want to do. So much of the time, I think why should I keep hanging on, keep trying things, but then I read more of the forums or the DR book and ask myself "Have I tried everything possible?', and I know I haven't because I havent yet shown her full detachment.

I have been alot better over the weekend, as I am starting to thing how crazy I have been trying to hang on her every word and emotion for so long. I definitely did my own thing these few days.

Saturday we went out as a family to a local light show, it was a nice evening. I made no physical contact with her, I would normally try and hold hands or something, you know (in my head) the "hey! We are out with the family, so that means you're ready to stay right, lets hold hands, cause everything is better". I realise this is not what I should be doing, I am leaving all moves to her at moment.

Sunday night she told me that S12 and her were going to watch a movie and did I want to watch it. I set the movie up and she came in as it started. She lied down on my Mattress (the one I sleep on, the Home Theatre is kind of my bedroom, but kids still use it, just happens to be a mattress on the floor). I was sitting on the Sofa and she says you can come and lie down here if you like (i.e. on the mattress with her), I said "its ok, I might do later". We watched the movie and I didn't join her at all (this is unheard of). Of course, I did worry whether I should have taken the oppotunity to lie with her, but I also thought she is testing how attached I am and how quickly will I jump at the chance to be close to her.

Come Monday night she comes home from training and trys to give S12 some nasal spray we just got. As she tries to put it in his nose, I say "just let him do it", so S12 tries to grab the nasal spray and hits W hand, W lashes out and smacks S12 and S12 moves away and says "Mum are you actually crazy !!?". W starts screaming at me "Are you going to let him get away with that!", and then S12 runs out of house into front garden (its like 8pm). She then locks the door behind him. Shes then back to me "Why don't you do something, your so soft, its always me that has to discipline them." I said I was calling him to talk to him before he ran out and you locked him out.

A little bit later (S12 still outside). I said, do you think we should talk about what happened. She said "Why..what happened!". I said the way that situation was dealt with S12, do you think we should try a different way with dealing with him. She said "Oh so its my fault is that what your saying? We should just get a divorce, I can't go on, lets just look into getting a divorce!". I say "This is what you always do when I try and talk to you about difficult things."

Anyway we talked more, well I did, and I tried to explain how a different approach with the kids may work better. So if they get angry we should not get angry and remain calm to diffuse the situation. Didn't really get anywhere, but didn't expect to, but I did feel a bit better about actually raising the issue. But was resentful and frustrated that she resort to the D word again, just out of frustration and trying to shut me down. I was so tempted to say, "You keep threatening divorce, but do nothing about it, well I'm ready now as well!". But I didnt.....

Come to morning she had the day off as she was actually going to get a mamogram, as the doctor had found some lumps. When she got up she was in a good mood, just like no argument had happened yesterday. She even said to S12, why are you so sad today, oh yeah life is so hard being 12 isn't it.

I went to work and left it at that. Later in the morning she text me to say, "Hey I am running 10k today, but its too hot now, if you can get back by 6pm, we can run together". I left it for an hour or so and then replied "Yeah might do, back is still sore so might not be able to".

On the way home on train she text me again "Hey are you going to run, as if you are I will wait for you, but if not then I will go and run now". I said "Thats fine, I think I should skip it today, you go and run".

So, the rollercoaster continues. As I have been less available, she seems to have made a few approaches herself. Probably reading too much into it, especially as when I used to pursue we would have a lot of interactions, just now I don't pursue she has to do the asking to do stuff together.