In my post I left out small parts that I call accesories or even better plans of actions. These are basically the actions we carry out to achieve that which we want to achieve.
I remember when I was most active there were words that were thrown around constantly like GALing, Moving on, detaching, going dark, etc ... we all knew what they meant literally but few knew how to apply in the relationship. Some knew I am sure but were afraid of letting go and trusting on the DB ways of MWD. They wanted to fix their marriage with the same ways but tweaked a little by following posts and reading the book. In short, they wanted to find a way so that 2+2=5.
Believe me, reading the book is the easy step. The the following get harder which are understanding the meaning and then applying that to your life. You literally need to make a leap of faith.
All I can say is that it works.
That was difficult. Even though the basic concepts and situations were similar each relationship and person is different and what works for you might not work for your neighbour. Taking literally the solutions for some and applying them to you was not advisable and still is not.
In my opinion the trick is to understand the message and develop it so that it works for you. You know what makes you happy we dont. You know what made your spouse happy we dont. You know more about your spouse than you realize. What you need to do is to work on it and see what reactions you get depending on what you want to achieve.
If you ever saw Phenomenon, travolta´s way of getting his love was to buy a sh1t load of chairs. It worked him. Wouldn't work for me.
Another point is that along the way there will be signs of what is working and what isnt and if you do things correctly you will find that need changes to want or want not.
After a while I looked at my wife with different eyes. I was critical and balanced out her pro's and cons. I found that at the beginning I needed her. For what I do not know as I could do things on my own. It was like a drug where being with her under those conditions seemed better than on my own or even with someone else.
I remember when things were bad I shut up a lot and let her take control. After BD I stood up, went back to the bedroom (very important) and laid out my rules. When we had other discussions for things that were inappropriate I slung her stuff out of the bedroom. I no longer accepted her No's. She no longer had control. If I wanted to do or do not was up to me. Period.
It was clear to her that if she wanted to stay in the house she had to change. I was not going to maker her change, happy or whatever, it was up to her. I was going to live my life and once I did that was when as I said before I saw her different.
I also noticed that slowly as things improved so did my interaction with her and I had changed as compared to BD. As we were trying to find a way to become H&W i too was becoming a better husband and person.
I now wanted to be with her but still know who I am and where the line is. What here people call boundaries.
In short, understand what each meaning is, read the advice form the veterans, don't search for an easy way out as there is none. You both spent a few years screwing up your marriage without knowing so now spend a little on a new one.
One final rule, as MWD says... this is about YOU. Maybe in your current situation it is too late to save your relationship but if you apply these rules and learn on who YOU are it will definitely help you in your next one.
Something silly as knowing that when a wife nags it is a cry for help before she gives up and that the silence afterwards is worse, really is a game changer and can save a lot of relationships.
