Most of you won't know me since a long time has passed from my last post.
over a year ago I found out about an EA with accesories that threw my life into a spiral. It wasn't plain sailing till then, just an accumulation of problems, bad calls and towards the end the most damaging part which is ignorance.
We never studied to be children, we grew up and learned along the way. We never studied to be spouses. We learned along the way too. Same for parents. The problem is the weakest link of the chain is the one where we take the most for granted. The one where there is a way out.
The fact we do not know how to act when faced with marital problems and then a BD does not make it ok to call time out. Life goes on and we need to deal with it on the go.
One of the biggest problems I remember at that time I had as well as most men was understanding what acceptance, moving on, getting a life and being a man meant.
You still try to cling on for dear life to your old marriage when in fact you should wrap it up and trash it. You need to accept it is over and that your next relationship needs to start from fresh. Be it with your spouse or someone else in the future. I remember a lot of spouses had trouble dealing with the possibility that their spouses could sleep with someone else, lie in their face, etc because they wouldn't do it. The problem was one had given up and the other was in self denial. This self denial basically prevented you from protecting yourself and put your emotions at your spouse's mercy. Once you could accept that the life as you knew it was over you could move on to the next stage. Otherwise you were stuck in a limbo of always being on the defensive and having your life and emotions subject to someone else's control.
A small parenthesis here. Most men here make the fatal mistake of trying to be superdad. Basically trying to run the house by themselves thinking it will give them points. I have read here over and over again that it does not work. From experience I can tell you it is true. It doesn't. What does work for many reasons is cleaning your own sh1t up after you when before you did not. I still to this day do not do extra cleaning duties but make sure i don't create them neither. At this stage these things dont count for squat. Anything you do decide to do however like those forgotten projects your wife always nagged you to do, do them for you. Do not look for reward or her blessing. Just demonstrate initiative and a change of character and carry on with your life.
Once you accepted that it was over and started to deal with it comes the stage of moving on and for men this was confusing. Moving on is not starting a new relationship or shutting the door if you still want your spouse back. It is about starting a life as an individual, as yourself and not as the partner of .... It is about getting on that train and living your life. If she wants to be a part of it then she has to make the move. Earn it. This part is really really difficult for most spouses. They are always on the looking out for signs of recovery and falter at the first sign. Many times you will read it wrong. Shift any action to suit your opinion or purpose. If you can be watching tv and your wife has sex with you it does not mean she wants back as many here have found out. If she can do that then imagine how wrong you can be of a great many things.
One very important point on moving on is the infamous snooping. I agree with investigative snooping not destructive snooping. If you want to keep a check at the beginning because you suspect .... then I think you should. Once confirmed don't be a PI and snoop 24/7. I found myself there and it was degrading for me as a man as well as destructive. When i did not see anything suspicious I found myself distorting reality and hoping to catch her just to confirm.
Getting a life is just that. Living your OWN life and not subject to anyone else. Least of all your spouse's. How you move on and get a life is the most crucial in my opinion. It sets the base for how you act on any new relationship and corrects many of the errors you brought to your marriage. It shows you that in a relationship you do not lose your individuality but bring something to the table and you are not just the wife/husband/partner of someone else.
It is about you living a life for you. I see many going to the gim, joining a club, etc while the wife dresses up and goes clubbing. Here I also see many men falter as they see their spouses going to dangerous places. Places where they can meet new people and from there who knows. They however go to "safe" places. GO to dangerous places. Look at temptation and even dance with temptation. Only make sure you are clear if you really want to bite the apple for you or as a spite. You may not be emotionally prepared or may not have worked on yourself completely before taking this step. Until you polish yourself any premature relationship will likely end soon because you bring all the vices to the new relationship.
Remember, your spouse loved you at one point and as I have found after soul searching (suggest you also do this) I can blame her exclusively for the result but not the cause. I also had my share which means I am not perfect and need to address that.
One point... WS often react as a result of years of frustration and are not always cold blooded heartless people. Imagine if your wife stopped showing any affection and one day you met someone who gave you affection and listened to you. You made a mistake but as a person needed something which intricate part of a marriage that was neglected. Yes you should not have taken that step but it should not have been neglected. Both parties in short are at fault.
Finally, the biggest fault we as men have after BD. Being a man.
To me being a man is about standing up for what is right. Not shying away from a fight, taking the bull by the horns and doing what is right.
I have earned a lot of points by doing this both with my wife as well as other female friends. I used to use old school actors as examples like the burt reynolds, james bond type. They will put their life on the line for you but will test your butt if you call them out.
It is much like being a parent. You die for your children but still punish them if they step out. They dont hate you for it they love you because they can count on you.
Anyway, my 2 cents worth and in case you are asking ... I am still with my wife, we are working on it and I hope to continue this way so there is life after BD.
