WW Wife - Do I confront her?

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I just have this feeling that once I confront her, she will go in the other direction so fast and I can't see how we could reconcile from there.

You can't reconcile from here either. You can't resolve an issue you refuse (or fear) to address and confront honestly. In my experience, loving (not desperate) confrontation in truth has actually been the foundation to most of the recoveries I've seen. It's why families of drug addicts have interventions instead of (continuing) to act like everything is ok.

Further, how long can you handle the resentment that will continue to build while letting her continue to disrespect herself and you? Recovery takes two and by the time she comes around all on her own, you'll likely be done with her yourself (with her completely unaware you even know).

You and TxHubby have been the only two in favor of confronting her and everything you said above is true. I wish at times that the OM was married. I could easily confront the OM wife or at least have the option to confront her.

You can confront the OM himself. He's probably been told you and your wife haven't been "married" for years and you are fine with her having a relationship with him. He MIGHT have an issue with actually being an OM. Waywards lie. Your wife has certainly mislead him that you still care and want to reconcile with her. It's probably why your reconciliation statements have been met with such anger - because her life is focused on OM now and you are NOT following the narrative. It also might be a reason she's insisting or pushing the marriage counseling. She's trying to convince OM she's tried and done everything she could to save the marriage but you are hopeless and want it over and her to be with OM. So it's not really a matter of "confronting" OM like he's your enemy, instead it's simply informing him also that you know, that you love your wife and family and want to save your marriage without his interference. Some OM are religious and actually step aside. He's single, he can date anyone, like a single woman without kids and all these complications.

I am at a loss. We have been very friendly lately and our two kids seem to enjoy us being friendly. I know a confrontation could end all communication and I admit that freaks me out. I welcome any other input on this, as I am battling this decision daily and it is causing me great stress and anxiety.

It's an illusion. It's NOT real. Your kids are trying to manufacture a recovery and when you two are together they are doing all they can (including great behavior) so as to facilitate a recovery. If you confront and your wife ends this pretending you haven't really lost anything but a game of pretend. And, you yourself, are indicating just how stressful and anxiety ridden such game of pretend is. It's not authentic and it's abusive and it's a lie. If being honest causes her to run so be it. It won't actually be do to the honesty - but rather the fact she's having an active affair.

Bottom line - there is absolutely NO RECOVERY PROGRESS to be had or pursued while the wayward continues their affair and maintains contact with their affair partner. Your wife's central concern is her relationship with OM. She's nice to you and pleasant to be around as long as you don't rock the boat and/or interfere with her affair. If TRUTH hurts her affair she might be mad but at least you won't be pretending anymore and stressing yourself out faking something that isn't do you (or her) any good.

A bonus. If she stops communicating with you, detaching will become much easier and her life and affair becomes a little more difficult without your continued enablement, appeasement and passive consent.

You are important too. The truth shall set you free. Be a leader and have the courage of your convictions. If you believe adultery is wrong and hurtful than you need to let her know that. She's probably oblivious to her wrongdoing (even though she's hiding it) and she's probably convinced herself you don't care enough about her to be that upset. She has no idea what she is doing or how truly hurtful she's behaving - tell her.


But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, That shines brighter and brighter until the full day. The way of the wicked is like darkness; They do not know over what they stumble. (New American Standard Bibld, Proverbs 4:18-19)